Soaping Up With Baseball Players

Major league baseball is a constant soap opera- full of heroes and villains, twists and turns, A-Rod and his various women. It was only natural, then, that a group of ballplayers would make an appearance on a honest-to-god soap opera– in this case, several Brewers (J.J. Hardy, Chris Capuano, Bill Hall and Jeff Suppan) appeared on an episode of The Young & the Restless yesterday. There was a four-seam demonstration by Chris, sheepish smiles from Bill and Jeff, and a particularly cheesy line from J.J. (you can see the full video HERE, though it’s not near as entertaining as imagined by The Dugout).

The Brewers’ soap opera debut got me (and a few others) thinking: What if another team was the featured subject of a soap opera? And more than just a cameo. What if a baseball team WAS a soap opera? What exactly would “As The Yankees Turn” or “One Giants Life to Live” consist of? With some help from Clare, Metschick and Peter, here’s an idea what it would be like…

CUBS: The patriarch of the family would be committed to an insane asylum, there would be at least one family brawl per week, Rich Hill would tip his lines, and a fan of the show would lean in from stage right and screw things up.

GIANTS: Every episode focuses on the petulant, but brilliant, son who grew up and yet never left home. All the other cast members and their storylines are ignored- except, on occasion, for an off-hand mention of the dreamboat stud (who came from another show) who has hit the skids.

ATHLETICS: The show airing immediately opposite the Giants, and always in that show’s shadow. They have a stable of the best looking actors in the biz, but somehow the plotlines on the show never quite work.

PHILLIES: All the leading men keep leaving the show for various reasons, and are continually replaced with actors whose only previous gigs have been in dishwashing liquid commercials. Villain, named “Matt” or “Nat” or similar-sounding name, is loudly booed every time he appears on screen (perhaps he wears an eye patch, a turtleneck and a blazer with a crest on the pocket).

The evil villain- “Matt” or “Nat” or similar

YANKEES: A family with a vast empire, and all kinds of money and glamour. Think Dynasty, but with nuttier kids (including an over-sexed philandering son) and a more vicious patriarch. But the family’s empire is crumbling, so the show is employing all kinds of tricks to grab ratings– including bringing back an old character, the asshole lawyer who helped build the original family fortune.

WHITE SOX: After winning an Emmy just two years ago, this soap has been cancelled for horrific ratings.

RED SOX: The show that everyone all of a sudden started watching. Like any decent soap opera, for no good reason there’s a guy with a random accent (Australian? Eastern European? maybe it’s Louisiana?) in Casknflagon Valley. There’s also a crazy uncle, played by a guy who keeps trying to renegotiate his contract and threatens to go to another show.

ROYALS: The soap that’s been on for 50 years, but no one even realizes. It’s like- that show is STILL on?

METS: Total telenovela. Young studly Southerner finds out he has a Dominican half-brother right next to him, because stud’s dad slept with the maid! Of course, there’s a woman in the middle (let’s call her… Metschick), torn between the two brothers. The cantankerous uncle (perhaps he’s 48 years old or so) won’t leave the family business, and doesn’t want the brothers to be friends- so he tries to sabotage their relationship with their lovely lady. DuhduhDUH!

Will the brothers ever come together?
Will their love for Metschick tear them apart?
Stay tuned!