Another weekend, another city, another four baseball games (Phillies-Marlins, and the three game Mets-Marlins series)- the tally is now at 24 games on the year so far. But now I’m going to give back, and share a little of the baseball hottie-fueled knowledge I gathered down in Miami.
How to Go to a Marlins Game: A Texas Gal Primer
1. Get Tickets.
The easiest part of the whole process is getting ahold of tickets- because there aren’t really very many “fans” of the Marlins variety. More like “people who live in the Miami area who are bored, and are investigating the rumors that their city has a pro baseball team”. These “fans” are easily startled, and will cower at the slightest taunting from opposing fans- which is unfortunate that they play in the same division as New York and Philadelphia, world-class hecklers both. Also unfortunate when 85% of the stadium are Mets fans.
2. Arrive Early for BP.
A key component of any good gameday hottie experience is taking in batting practice, because the players are talking and fooling around and generally in a great mood. This maneuver is best not attempted in Miami by those faint of heart- because the stands are completely empty, so a taking that long walk down from the concourse to the front row wearing Phillies gear is a little stare-inducing. A risk well worth the reward when a player tosses you a ball.
Beauty of BP: watching players stretch and do sit-ups.
3. Alcohol. Preferably Shots.
Unlike certain other major league ballparks (Fenway… I thought the Irish loved whiskey?),
Joe Robbie Pro Player Dolphin Stadium has a full range of hard liquor. And thank the gods for that- otherwise, I’m not sure anyone would show up to the games at all. Buy a shot for the random person standing next to you in the bar on the 100 level concourse, because she might turn out to be the wife of a Phillies pitcher… and then she’ll bring you around and introduce you to the guys. (thanks, Mrs. Alfonseca!)
4. Bring On the Rain Delay.
Common sense would seem to dictate that no one wants to linger at a Marlins game, so a rain delay would just prolong the torture. But apparently rain frightens the local populace, because only about 2,500 people showed up to begin the Phillies game on Thursday, and by the end, there were only about 250 people left in the stands. Watching a MLB game with just a few hundred people is a once-in-a-lifetime experience for most people. I imagine it’s more common in Miami.
Great butt, Josh- but learn to catch the ball so you don’t get heckled.
5. Heckle the Home Team.
When combining #3 above, with a practically empty park due to #4 above, heckling is the only logical result. So, when the hottie Marlins LF drops a ball, a yelled taunt at him that, “Pat Burrell would have caught that, you jackass” will echo loudly in the stadium. Not that I would have any personal knowledge of this. Or that the Phillies’ bullpen nearby laughed. Josh Willingham wasn’t as pleased. There’s a simple solution, Josh: CATCH THE BALL.
6. Fight! Fight! Fight!
What’s better than a benches-clearing brawl at a baseball game? How about a D-Train induced, benches-and-bullpen-clearing, coach gets tossed out brawl resulting from an apparent deep-seated hatred between teams. Apparently the Marlins hate the Phillies (just ask Scott Olsen), and it’s pretty clear the feeling is mutual. I’m in favor of anything that gets 50 baseball players tussling with each other. But next time: less talking and shoving, more haymakers.
Hello, David. You’re looking lovely in that eye black.
7. Appreciate the Eye Black.
The benefit of day games is clear: eye black. (bonus benefit from David Wright in day games: eye black AND high-cuffed pants.) Some boys wear it correctly- see Wright, David and Uggla, Dan. Some boys? Not so much. See Cabrera, Miguel.
That’s not the way to do it.
8. Luck Into Great Seats.
Sitting next to the Marlins owner behind home plate means: (a) you walk to your seats, past the clubhouse and dugouts, using the same hallway as the players- and get to see them up close, all kitted out… yum, (b) you can see right into the dugout next to you, which feels like peeking in somewhere you’re not supposed to (plus you can hear them shit-talking during the game), (c) you can complain about the quality of service and the drink prices to said owner, and get free drinks, and (d) you’re extraordinarily close to the boys in baseball pants in the batter’s box. Win-win-win-win situation, really.
9. Take Lots of Pictures.
Because you know the resident Mets fan will be sad if you don’t come back with at least some photos of the guys in their road greys. And if you’re behind the Marlins’ on-deck circle, Hanley Ramirez will wait until you’re done shooting before stepping in (and will ask if you’re done before doing so), just so he doesn’t ruin your shot. Sweet and cute, that one.
Special delivery for Metschick! Nice view.
Eye black + DWright laughing = Lovely
3B-man conference at 3B after 3B Wright steals 3B.
Dan Uggla in the dugout, taking a look down his shirt.
I used to chew on my glove when I played softball, too. Things get boring at 3B.
He’s gonna score… again. A Mets sweep meant a lot of this.
Paging hottie LF who likes to drop balls and get heckled by TG!
My favorite shot, bar none. It’s the look on his face that makes it.