I Was There: Phillies-Mets-Marlins

Another weekend, another city, another four baseball games (Phillies-Marlins, and the three game Mets-Marlins series)- the tally is now at 24 games on the year so far. But now I’m going to give back, and share a little of the baseball hottie-fueled knowledge I gathered down in Miami.

How to Go to a Marlins Game: A Texas Gal Primer

1. Get Tickets.
The easiest part of the whole process is getting ahold of tickets- because there aren’t really very many “fans” of the Marlins variety. More like “people who live in the Miami area who are bored, and are investigating the rumors that their city has a pro baseball team”. These “fans” are easily startled, and will cower at the slightest taunting from opposing fans- which is unfortunate that they play in the same division as New York and Philadelphia, world-class hecklers both. Also unfortunate when 85% of the stadium are Mets fans.

2. Arrive Early for BP.
A key component of any good gameday hottie experience is taking in batting practice, because the players are talking and fooling around and generally in a great mood. This maneuver is best not attempted in Miami by those faint of heart- because the stands are completely empty, so a taking that long walk down from the concourse to the front row wearing Phillies gear is a little stare-inducing. A risk well worth the reward when a player tosses you a ball.

Beauty of BP: watching players stretch and do sit-ups.

3. Alcohol. Preferably Shots.
Unlike certain other major league ballparks (Fenway… I thought the Irish loved whiskey?), Joe Robbie Pro Player Dolphin Stadium has a full range of hard liquor. And thank the gods for that- otherwise, I’m not sure anyone would show up to the games at all. Buy a shot for the random person standing next to you in the bar on the 100 level concourse, because she might turn out to be the wife of a Phillies pitcher… and then she’ll bring you around and introduce you to the guys. (thanks, Mrs. Alfonseca!)

4. Bring On the Rain Delay.
Common sense would seem to dictate that no one wants to linger at a Marlins game, so a rain delay would just prolong the torture. But apparently rain frightens the local populace, because only about 2,500 people showed up to begin the Phillies game on Thursday, and by the end, there were only about 250 people left in the stands. Watching a MLB game with just a few hundred people is a once-in-a-lifetime experience for most people. I imagine it’s more common in Miami.

Great butt, Josh- but learn to catch the ball so you don’t get heckled.

5. Heckle the Home Team.
When combining #3 above, with a practically empty park due to #4 above, heckling is the only logical result. So, when the hottie Marlins LF drops a ball, a yelled taunt at him that, “Pat Burrell would have caught that, you jackass” will echo loudly in the stadium. Not that I would have any personal knowledge of this. Or that the Phillies’ bullpen nearby laughed. Josh Willingham wasn’t as pleased. There’s a simple solution, Josh: CATCH THE BALL.

6. Fight! Fight! Fight!
What’s better than a benches-clearing brawl at a baseball game? How about a D-Train induced, benches-and-bullpen-clearing, coach gets tossed out brawl resulting from an apparent deep-seated hatred between teams. Apparently the Marlins hate the Phillies (just ask Scott Olsen), and it’s pretty clear the feeling is mutual. I’m in favor of anything that gets 50 baseball players tussling with each other. But next time: less talking and shoving, more haymakers.

Hello, David. You’re looking lovely in that eye black.

7. Appreciate the Eye Black.
The benefit of day games is clear: eye black. (bonus benefit from David Wright in day games: eye black AND high-cuffed pants.) Some boys wear it correctly- see Wright, David and Uggla, Dan. Some boys? Not so much. See Cabrera, Miguel.

That’s not the way to do it.

8. Luck Into Great Seats.
Sitting next to the Marlins owner behind home plate means: (a) you walk to your seats, past the clubhouse and dugouts, using the same hallway as the players- and get to see them up close, all kitted out… yum, (b) you can see right into the dugout next to you, which feels like peeking in somewhere you’re not supposed to (plus you can hear them shit-talking during the game), (c) you can complain about the quality of service and the drink prices to said owner, and get free drinks, and (d) you’re extraordinarily close to the boys in baseball pants in the batter’s box. Win-win-win-win situation, really.

9. Take Lots of Pictures.
Because you know the resident Mets fan will be sad if you don’t come back with at least some photos of the guys in their road greys. And if you’re behind the Marlins’ on-deck circle, Hanley Ramirez will wait until you’re done shooting before stepping in (and will ask if you’re done before doing so), just so he doesn’t ruin your shot. Sweet and cute, that one.

Special delivery for Metschick! Nice view.

Eye black + DWright laughing = Lovely

3B-man conference at 3B after 3B Wright steals 3B.

Dan Uggla in the dugout, taking a look down his shirt.

I used to chew on my glove when I played softball, too. Things get boring at 3B.

Butt shots!

He’s gonna score… again. A Mets sweep meant a lot of this.

Paging hottie LF who likes to drop balls and get heckled by TG!

My favorite shot, bar none. It’s the look on his face that makes it.

This entry was posted in Florida Marlins, I Was There, MLB, New York Mets, Philadelphia Phillies, Texas Gal by Texas Gal. Bookmark the permalink.

About Texas Gal

Pitched four years for the Philadelphia Athletics, and then played shortstop for seven years for the Montreal Expos. Taught Rickey Henderson to steal a base. Taught Nolan Ryan to throw a punch. Taught Mickey Mantle to drink a beer. Threw one seven-hitter and seven no-hitters. Wonderboy was my creation, and first Jobu shrine was in my locker. Often called "the next Dustin Pedroia". Always wear high socks and eyeblack. Prefer to slide headfirst.

36 thoughts on “I Was There: Phillies-Mets-Marlins

  1. Well composed: the personal events are interspersed through the piece, so your perspective becomes part of the story, instead of the story being about you. I think it’s a little unfair to focus on the male butt because, as everyone knows, the female body is never ogled in the mainstream media or at certain underground sports blogs (I read Snorg girl for the articles).

    Seriously, though. This is really enjoyable writing, and the text/pictures combination meshes well.

  2. Willingham is exceedingly good-looking. And very tall. And clearly very broad.
    And if only I could have gotten Beltran, Reyes and Wright together for one very delicious photo, you know I would have, Metsy.

  3. There’s already way too much of me in this “sports” piece (ok, cute baseball boys piece) as it is. And there can never be too many pics of hot baseball dudes.

  4. Have you ever seen that insurance commercial (is it an insurance commercial?) where these two guys go to a baseball game and get bats from players, free food and meet gorgeous women, and then you find out it’s a daydream and they’re in fact in the upper view outfield and one of them gets pegged in the junk with a bag of peanuts?

    TexasGal seems to have baseball game experiences like the dream in the commercial, only with better seats and more Pappyboo.

  5. Believe me when I say it’s much easier to end up in that dream in Dolphin Stadium than it is elsewhere. They’re practically paying people to show up to games.

  6. It’s one thing to get the ole empty-stadium “upgrade” but how do you start rolling with the owner through the bowels of the stadium? Did you just start saying y’all and he scooped you up like ice cream?

  7. Nah- everyone who sits in those batter’s box seats behind home plate gets to do the same thing. It’s just that in other ballparks, normal people like me don’t get to even get within sniffing distance of those kind of tickets. For Marlins games, anything’s possible.
    Come on now, free drinks for plebes? They’re hard up. Fortunately (unfortunately?), I am more than willing to take advantage of that fact.

  8. Hi everybody! Clare’s reanimated corpse here. Clare’s reanimated corpse is in total agreement with TSW; he fills out that jersey awfully nicely.

    Clare’s reanimated corpse is also having a chortle at the wicked farmers’ tan on Cole. Hee!

  9. I bet after you heckled him, you called him “Willin’hayum” and he just melted for that accent. I am sure that is why he gave you extra time for your pictures. He was probably flexing for you too…

  10. No, and don’t.

    How many other bloggers have their own action figure? The stores can’t even keep their Bourbon Warrior with Kung Fu grip action figures on the shelf. I went to the store this weekend and couldn’t even find them.

  11. Strangely enough, that did not come up in our conversation. And she was a very cool girl- not at all Stepford-baseball-wife-like. His kids are all cute as can be, too- go figure!

  12. I went to the Saturday game, with the salsa band and the Marlins getting smoked. Although i was way all the way in the back, but it was raining, so by the end we were all the way at the bottom of the upper deck(which in comparison sucks, but its good enough for me.)

  13. That pour-stop-pour-stop nonsense is a staple of Miami weather. Which is why we didn’t leave because we knew that in the end it wouldn’t last more then 10 mins total. The Mets fans were pretty resiliant though, i was impressed.

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