How To Make Love To A ______ Fan: The New York Mets

34zbyav.jpegThe Ladies…, in congress (tee hee!) with Every Day Should Be Saturday, are inappropriately excited to present a six-part roundtable series: How To Make Love To A _______ Fan, excruciatingly detailed guides to how to win the heart and panties of the sports fan of your choice. Today, chez Swindle, we have How To Make Love To A Florida Fan, to be followed tomorrow and Thursday by How To Make Love To A Texas fan by our own Texas Gal, and How To Make Love To A Tennessee Fan courtesy of Holly. For our part, we’re sticking to our boys of summer. Later in the week you’ll be treated to wooing secrets of the St. Louis Cardinals, via Lady Andrea, and the Boston Red Sox by J-Money. For today, without further ado, we present Metschick, with How To Make Love To A Mets Fan.

The Ladies…

How to make love to a Mets fan? Huh, easy to describe – we don’t get it that often. But when we do – you better hold on, baby. Some might even describe it as magical. Miraculous even.

I’ll usher you into my home – it ain’t much now, but wait till 2009. I’ll start you off with some loud, obnoxious music – doesn’t matter what it is, the beat sounds hot on my speakers. Dinner will be something barely edible. But who cares? We’re all here to enjoy what comes between the foul poles.

What would I be wearing? It’ll be coming off as soon as there’s a hint of scoring. And the Mets of 2007 certainly can do that. We’ll start off like Jose Reyes – that’s where the versatility of sex with a Mets fan comes in. We can get right to it, or we can go slowly. Sometimes, it might be a little cold, but most of the time, it’ll be hot. We know lots of tricks, and can get the job done with an oldie but a goodie, the home run, or with something as unexpected as a drag bunt (pull out the Kama Sutra and pick out a position!). And we all bat for ourselves, no DH allowed! Once in a while you’ll get the perfect storm of sex – when everything goes right, everything’s clicking on all cylinders and everyone gets to go home happy to the tune of “Taking Care of Business”.

We’ve got to remember, though, that it’s easy to talk about this now, during one of the lush periods. It was just a few years ago that we were in a serious drought. Never mind striking out, we never even got the chance! I just hope happy days are here to stay. But even when times are darkest, when it seems as if the drought will never end, a Mets fan keeps the faith – “You gotta believe!” And every so often we’re rewarded with the most magical of moments – like balls going through your legs.

And of course, who can talk about sexing up a Mets fan without mentioning our insecurities and low self-esteem. That truly is the way to a Mets fan’s bed. Tell us how beautiful we are, how funny our jokes are, how nice we smell, and how even though the girl across town may score more often, that only makes her a whore. And listen to us when we vent our frustrations at being Jan to the Yankees’ Marcia.
At the end of the day, a Mets fan just wants to be held and reassured that we do matter, and that it isn’t all about HER. And when you do that, this Mets fan will show you a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

72 thoughts on “How To Make Love To A ______ Fan: The New York Mets

  1. When is TSW’s “how to make love to a Penguins fan”?

    step 1: Find shirtless pictures of Sidney from Vanity Fair
    step 2: present them to said pens fan
    step 3: romp all night long…

  2. Pam and Techno –

    Pam, I don’t dare do one of these posts – especially a Pirates one – since it might hit too close to home.

    Although I love the suck-ass comment…

  3. Good job improving on the ponderous but accurate Making Love to a Florida Fan. Metsfan women seem uncomplicated and willing “really only a shared six pack away” might have been enough.

    Let me know if anyone wants to know How to Make love to a Miami fan…Fins (it has been a while since we were made love to however the allotment of quickies the last ten years has been sadly sustaining, Canes- can go a lot of places here- really kissing their sisters these days , or Heat – some good material looming as well- regarding the big aristotle and my fav five…

  4. If Metsy wasn’t already hot enough just as she is, she has to go and produce this kind of genius work. How are the rest of us supposed to compete with her awesomeness?

    Bravo, Metsy. Bravo.

  5. As a Cub fan, making love to a Mets fan would involve racing way ahead of you, but then you choke me and I blow it.

    We’re talking about baseball here.

  6. Tsw sory bout the grammar but im @ laguardia apt waitin 2 get back 2 the burgh & this is comin from my cell. Little off topic but i was in manhattan & saw a huge sign 4 a movie/tv show/miniseries about u. im pressed 4 time & didnt check if u knew, or what it was about but its on some shitty channel like lifetime or we or something & its called The Starter Wife. My apologies if u already knew but it happened 2 catch my eye

  7. Let’s not forget the incredibly huge head we have(a la Mr. Met), we won’t mind you wearing black(because we do it all the time, even though our colors are blue and orange), and since we haven’t scored that much we won’t have to pop pills to get it up(a la Palmeiro, Giambi, or *cough* Clemens).

  8. Ok, after analrapist’s comment, who’s going to be the first Deadspin commenter to change her/his name to Ron Santo: Snuff Film Cinematographer?

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  10. How to make love to a Marlins fan?…

    better not get too attached ’cause as soon as it gets really good, you’ll be replaced by someone with less experience.

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  12. How to make love to a Braves Fan? With the curtains drawn and the lights off… they don’t like it in front of a crowd.

    I say that as a Braves Fan (and therefore have to ask why someone would want to make love to a Mets Fan… f*cking a Mets Fan, now that’s a different story). I kid, I kid. Very nice work. I’m glad Orson linked it.

  13. How to make love to a Yankees fan: Buy the most expensive prostitute you can find, build them up until you are convinced it will be the greatest night of lovemaking ever and then watch them and their purple lips whiff every time they try to close the deal.

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  15. A’s style – Scout the field, and pick up the slightly homely girl with potential a-la She’s All That. Then bask in the glory as you turn her into the prom queen, only to realize that after the prom up in the hotel room, she passes out at the first sight of a penis.

  16. how to make love to a Georgia fan?

    1. get between the bushes (ok hedges)
    2. give it hell for 60 minutes
    3. cry if it doesn’t go your way
    4. drink until you forget about it

  17. Through the tears in my eyes,
    I watched you drive away
    Emotions I couldn’t hold back,
    As I knew it would be today.

    Embracing you as I did last night,
    Knowing today you would then take flight.
    Is this the price that I have to pay?
    To say hello, only to know, that you can’t stay?

    The wind as it wailed was a bitter cry,
    I’m sitting here seeking, reasons not to die.
    Two nights of passion, but now the pain …
    Wondering when I will see you again.

    This distance is haunting me, as we had to part,
    Ripping and tearing, at my bleeding heart.
    The wounds are so fresh, the pain will not leave,
    Like the winter’s chill, I can’t help but grieve.

    I shiver inside, my body feels cold,
    Just waiting for nighttime, to come and take hold.
    Hoping those hours of sleep will take over,
    That I can dream of us, in that field of clover.

    Is the price really worth it, for two days of bliss?
    As I sit here and still taste your sweet tender kiss.
    Don’t fault me for tears, that I shed when you go,
    As I know in my heart, there’ll be another “Hello”.

    I know this goodbye, isn’t the last that we share,
    Because in my heart, you’ll always be there.
    As I say my prayers, I’ll include you in them,
    As I know God will listen, as I say “I love u”.

    Goodbye won’t be, forever I know,
    It’s just temporary, ’till again comes “Hello”
    Until then my love, my heart’s in your hand,
    Soon we’ll look back …… and we’ll both understand.

    I’ll walk on the clouds, till I’m with you again,
    And patience is something, I’ll try to retain.
    Until our day comes, when we no longer part,
    I will keep every memory, wrapped up in my heart.

    You see, I can’t quite make it all on my own.
    I need your love to guide me, so I won’t feel alone.

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