The Ladies…, in congress (tee hee!) with Every Day Should Be Saturday, are inappropriately excited to present a six-part roundtable series: How To Make Love To A _______ Fan, excruciatingly detailed guides to how to win the heart and panties of the sports fan of your choice. Today, chez Swindle, we have How To Make Love To A Florida Fan, to be followed tomorrow and Thursday by How To Make Love To A Texas fan by our own Texas Gal, and How To Make Love To A Tennessee Fan courtesy of Holly. For our part, we’re sticking to our boys of summer. Later in the week you’ll be treated to wooing secrets of the St. Louis Cardinals, via Lady Andrea, and the Boston Red Sox by J-Money. For today, without further ado, we present Metschick, with How To Make Love To A Mets Fan.
How to make love to a Mets fan? Huh, easy to describe – we don’t get it that often. But when we do – you better hold on, baby. Some might even describe it as magical. Miraculous even.
I’ll usher you into my home – it ain’t much now, but wait till 2009. I’ll start you off with some loud, obnoxious music – doesn’t matter what it is, the beat sounds hot on my speakers. Dinner will be something barely edible. But who cares? We’re all here to enjoy what comes between the foul poles.
What would I be wearing? It’ll be coming off as soon as there’s a hint of scoring. And the Mets of 2007 certainly can do that. We’ll start off like Jose Reyes – that’s where the versatility of sex with a Mets fan comes in. We can get right to it, or we can go slowly. Sometimes, it might be a little cold, but most of the time, it’ll be hot. We know lots of tricks, and can get the job done with an oldie but a goodie, the home run, or with something as unexpected as a drag bunt (pull out the Kama Sutra and pick out a position!). And we all bat for ourselves, no DH allowed! Once in a while you’ll get the perfect storm of sex – when everything goes right, everything’s clicking on all cylinders and everyone gets to go home happy to the tune of “Taking Care of Business”.
We’ve got to remember, though, that it’s easy to talk about this now, during one of the lush periods. It was just a few years ago that we were in a serious drought. Never mind striking out, we never even got the chance! I just hope happy days are here to stay. But even when times are darkest, when it seems as if the drought will never end, a Mets fan keeps the faith – “You gotta believe!” And every so often we’re rewarded with the most magical of moments – like balls going through your legs.
And of course, who can talk about sexing up a Mets fan without mentioning our insecurities and low self-esteem. That truly is the way to a Mets fan’s bed. Tell us how beautiful we are, how funny our jokes are, how nice we smell, and how even though the girl across town may score more often, that only makes her a whore. And listen to us when we vent our frustrations at being Jan to the Yankees’ Marcia.
At the end of the day, a Mets fan just wants to be held and reassured that we do matter, and that it isn’t all about HER. And when you do that, this Mets fan will show you a once-in-a-lifetime experience.