Oh, college football, how I’ve missed you. It’s been months since I’ve been able to breathe in your beautiful smell, a combination of chewed-up turf, sweaty linemen and smuggled bourbon, hear the sound of 200 band geeks playing Darth Vader’s theme or a drunk frat boy cussing out the coaches’ play calling, or watch my team take the field to battle for a chance to play in a faux-championship system for a mythical national championship title.
College football- you’re my first, my last, my everything. I may have a lustful fling with baseball every spring, and every two years I may run away for a few weeks with the Olympics, but baby, you gotta know you’re my number one. There’s no contest- you’re my one true love, and nothing else could ever really take your place.
Until we can meet up good and proper in September, darlin’- I will just have to make do with the wham, bam, thank you ma’am of a spring game. It’s not real football, there are no opponents and no victory on the line, but I’ll take what I can get. Baby, I’m so desperate for some of your sexy action, that I was actually worked up about seeing Clausen’s emu spikes. That should show you my devotion. It’s not Texas football, but it’s the best I can do up here in Chicago.
I love you, college football. Call me anytime.
(P.S. If you wouldn’t mind keeping those drunk texts I sent you from the tailgate to yourself, I’d really appreciate it)
(P.P.S. I’ve got all kinds of pictures of our short, but sweet, time together- you can relive it with me after the jump)
(P.P.P.S. If there’s any way you can get Colt McCoy the Heisman, and Tom Zbikowski to play with his shirt off, that would be great)
Notre Dame went all out on the fancy decorations for the game. Am I gonna root for Blue, or go for Gold?
It’s a poor man’s panorama- mostly because I was too drunk to operate the fancy functions on my camera. They said there were almost 52,000 people there, to watch a fake football game. Well, that, and catch a glimpse of the famed Clausen hair.
Here are the boys! Blue and Gold… and red… and green. I think Notre Dame may be the only school in the country that refuses to make up its mind about what its colors are. Two colors just aren’t good enough.
Now this is what I’m really here for: Zibby’s ass. I’d be happy to buy an admission ticket just to watch Zibby do wind sprints, as long as he does them in those tight football pants.
Enter the Emu. I think those two old dudes sitting behind me almost peed their pants. “Oh my gosh, I have to get a picture of Jimmy’s first pass ever!” Might as well saint him now- hell, I’ll be shocked if he’s not a Heisman candidate by August.
This is the kind of stuff you just don’t get in Texas (or anywhere else for that matter): a little person dressed up as a leprechaun, wandering randomly around the stands. Just because. I bet he picked up all kinds of chicks- that band girl sure seems to be into it.
Now here’s the real star of the day- well, other than Zibby’s ass, which always gets top billing- Junior Jabbie. Four potential QB candidates couldn’t manage to outshine one RB, from outta nowhere- Cinderella story, you know.
Charlie Weis, patrolling the Gold sideline. He pretty much stood by himself near the endzone- fully mic’ed up and all.
QB candidate #2 – Evan Sharpley. Not very cute. The QB of the Fightin’ Irish has to have cover model good looks, so his chances don’t look good. Nice, pass, though.
Now those are some cover model good looks. Brady Quinn, the man, the myth, the legend…. the distraction. Everyone in the north side of the stadium seemed to care more about who he was talking to on the sidelines, rather than what was happening on the field.
The huddle: an excellent opportunity to check out the guys’ butts.
QB candidate #3- Zach Frazer. Very hot. For this reason alone, he gets my vote. Even though he threw an interception.
ND spring game day tradition includes the unveiling of “The Shirt”- which tons of people wore to the game, of course. Almost like wearing a concert tshirt to the concert you bought it at. Almost. But, guys, do NOT roll up your t-shirt sleeves. It’s not even ok for women to do it, it’s certainly not ok for you.
Coach Ara Parseghian, for the Blue. Coach Lou Holtz, for the Gold. Ara was phoning it in, but Lou got really into it. He was out on the field calling plays and smacking guys on the helmet.
QB candidate #4- Demetrius Jones. Looked the best out of all them because he took off for a nice running gain. None of them really threw any passes… which could be a problem, since that’s kind of a huge part of playing that position.
Gold is victorious, scoring a whopping 10 points to Blue’s 6. And 7 of those points were from the defense. What is this, the SEC? Needless to say, there wasn’t a lot of high octane offense happening on the field.
Lou gets a Gatorade bath- and for a moment, he can pretend he’s a big time college coach again. Back to reality, Lou- you’re really just a mushmouthed broadcasting hand puppet.
Now this is always cute, no matter what- when the team sways while singing the alma mater with the students.
Wait- can this be?!? The emu spikes… are no more! I have a sneaking suspicion Mr. Clausen was “strongly encouraged” by his teammates to cut that stupid haircut off. Now it’s down to a much more manageable fuzzy do. But I guess with enough product, that nightmarish ‘do could make a return. Just say no, Jimmy.
And one more shot of Zibby’s ass. The perfect end to a drunken, football-filled day.