OK, I don’t have a clever introduction. I went to a Widespread Panic concert over the weekend and since then I’ve done nothing but lay facedown on the sofa, trying to force my red eyes to focus on another “Press Your Luck” rerun on the Game Show Network. Yeah. I admit it. Halfway through “Disco”, a man named Pegasus gave me what I’d been trying to score all night: some fucking Claritin. After dancing around in a field for five hours, I left the show with wicked allergies, an Oxfam sticker, and a newfound loathing for songs that last longer than most of my relationships.
That said, today we’re studying the Dodgers who may lead the majors in wins, but aren’t exactly frontrunners in hotness. I went deep into the archives trying to find the tastiest treats to wear Dodger blue. Here goes. No whammies, no whammies.
First base, 1969-1982
You can purchase this and other Steve Garvey pictures from a company called Mounted Memories. I believe there are several women who already have Steve’s Mounted Memories. They’re called children.
Center fielder, 1991-1995; 1995-1997
Grace Under Fire, 1993-1998
Author’s note: I swear he’s attractive even though the good people at Topps decided to immortalize him as Fire Marshall Bill.
Since retiring from baseball, Butler–a born-again Christian–has spent most of his time speaking about his Christian beliefs. For example, on the Love Matters site, Butler claims that “Making love is a wonderful thing between a husband and wife in marriage. The marriage relationship will not be as fulfilling if you don’t abstain from sex before marriage. There is a danger of bringing emotional scars into marriage if you have sex in relationships prior to marriage.”
Well, awesome. My emotional side probably looks like Seal by now.
Second base, 1981-1988
I was going to talk about how Steve was a guest on The Simpsons “Homer at the Bat” episode and on Sabrina the Teenage Witch, but I somehow stumbled across this book written by a man whose relationship with his father was so horrible that he decided to pretend that Steve Sax’s father was his own dad. Additionally, he tried to better himself by befriending a lot of young boys and pretending that Steve Sax was one of them. Right. Um.
During the 1983 season, Sax endured a streak of throwing errors. Devastated by the booing crowds and media ridicule, the little boy inside him suddenly disappeared. There was a part of me that was pained by his rejection. I sensed that his little boy needed the love of a brother as much as any other abused boy.
In later chapters, the author invited the little boy inside Steve Sax to spend a day with him at Neverland Ranch.
First base/Outfield, 1981-1989
I admit it. I totally made out with him. I was eight and he was Topps card #187. Then I found out that he was dating Belinda Carlisle and I transferred all of my affections to Huey Lewis. That’ll teach him. He is currently the manager of the Yuma Scorpions. Ooh, baby, do you know what that’s worth ? Ooh heaven is a place on earth.
By default, he’s the hottest Dodger to ever appear in a Brady Bunch episode. Big D tells aspiring pitcher Greg that “the Dodgers are always looking for a good arm”, perhaps the most enduring phrase ever uttered under the watchful eye of Robert Reed. Later in the episode Greg is yanked after allowing 12 runs in the first inning of his Pony League game, but is immediately signed by the Nationals.
He’s pitching out of the bullpen this year despite starting last year. Look at him. He’s irresistible. You guys aren’t reading these words. And then I took a can of Raid and put it in my eye.
First base, 2006-Present
Sure he has a hot body, but his episodes of batter’s box epilepsy make me nervous. I never know if someone should pitch to him or put a spoon in his mouth so he doesn’t chew his tongue off.
Confidential to Mia Hamm: Is that what passes as foreplay? Does he have to snap and unsnap his pants several times in rapid succession? At what point does he point to the sky? C’mon, you can tell me.
He was hot when he was closing out every deciding game of the 2004 postseason for my Sox. Now he wears a puka shell necklace, which is only acceptable if you’re a native Hawaiian or a mannequin at Hollister.
LA’s 5th starter is on his 6th team in ten years which means he’s been around the league more than Alyssa Milano. He’s also married to a Playboy Playmate, which is so 1998 (see: Lo Duca, Paul; Piazza, Not Gay). His wife does have an illustrious film career, however, having played timeless roles such as Girlfriend, Herself, Blonde, and Receptionist. If you added the phrase “proficient in Microsoft Office”, that would be my entire resume.
Not Only No, But Hell No:
Paul Lo Duca and His Unfortunate Mustache
Your princess is in another castle.
That does it. Let me know if I missed someone, unless that someone is Mike Piazza. Or Orel Hershiser. Actually, if you’re into Orel (uh huh huh) you’ve got better drugs than Pegasus. Which reminds me…it’s time for another hit of Afrin.