Bringing the Heat: Cincinnati Reds

There are certain baseball teams that are filled to the brim with hotties- the A’s, the Twins and the Phillies (and the Red Sox farm system). The Reds are most definitely not one of those teams. They’re not a roster full of fug, they’re just unremarkable in general. This means two things: there won’t be a lot of pretty scenery to look at Great American Ball Park (unless the visiting team brings some of its own), but it also means the Reds hotties will be that much easier to spot.

Let’s go on a hottie safari, Cincinnati style…

Kirk Saarloos
pitcher

Kirk Saarloos (rhymes with “Carlos”, not “loose”- even though I sure hope he is) is a rare animal in Reds country: a true hottie. The extra vowels are for hottness- he cannot be contained by one a and one o alone. Ignore the A’s uniform- he’s very much a Red now. Why in the world the Cincinnati promotions department hasn’t already plastered his hot body in a Reds uni all over the interwebs, I do not know. They’d sell a lot more tickets.


Bronson Arroyo
pitcher

“Arroyo” has several meanings in the Spanish language (according to the very authoritative folks at Houghton-Mifflin, which is always the first source people go to for Spanish translations). First, “stream or brook”, and that just sounds all sensitive and artsy, much like Bronson and his guitar stylings. Second, “bed”, which I understand many ladies would be interested in when it comes to Bronson, though this look has possibly turned me off him forever. And finally, “gutter”- and Bronson may belong there due to his potty mouth and infamous carousing after-hours. Or does it get him bonus points?


David Ross
catcher

Cute face, hot catcher’s body. Next!


Ken Griffey, Jr. (circa 1996)
outfield

It wouldn’t matter if Griffey had grown a third eyeball and gained 60 pounds and braids his nose hair, he’s Ken Griffey, Jr. and he rules and he will always be hot (based on the Mariners years if nothing else).


Adam Dunn’s ass
outfield

Adam Dunn may not be hot – but his ass is pretty fine, so it made the list. I work with what I’m given. Also, there was no way I was leaving Adam off any Reds roundup because back in my Texas Angel days, he was one of our UT football recruits and he was very sweet. He ditched us after a year, but I’m not holding that against him. I am nothing if not a sucker for any Longhorn connection, no matter how tenuous.

For real news, rumors, information and dirt about the Reds that is not written by a fan of two of their rivals (though I can’t guarantee as extensive coverage of Adam’s ass), check out one of these great Reds blogs: Red Reporter, Red Hot Mama & Redleg Nation.

This entry was posted in bringing the heat, Cincinnati Reds, MLB, Texas Gal by Texas Gal. Bookmark the permalink.

About Texas Gal

Pitched four years for the Philadelphia Athletics, and then played shortstop for seven years for the Montreal Expos. Taught Rickey Henderson to steal a base. Taught Nolan Ryan to throw a punch. Taught Mickey Mantle to drink a beer. Threw one seven-hitter and seven no-hitters. Wonderboy was my creation, and first Jobu shrine was in my locker. Often called "the next Dustin Pedroia". Always wear high socks and eyeblack. Prefer to slide headfirst.

17 thoughts on “Bringing the Heat: Cincinnati Reds

  1. I own two Griffey rookie cards and those suckers have dropped because of his injuries. Griffey ticks me off…Grrr!

    Now as for Saarloos, him I wouldn’t mind watching :)

  2. My brother had a Griffey rookie (Upper Deck) back in the day that was one of his most prized possessions. I’m surprised they even have value at all any more.

    Jason Kendall is gloriously hot, and yet another reason why the A’s have the hottest roster in baseball.

    What is it about Bronson? I put him on the list because everyone seems to think he’s so hot, but I just don’t get it. He’s not fug, I just don’t get the obsession.

  3. OK, you totally got me there, PB- because I yet again made another decision based on Matt’s official photo, which clearly does not do him justice. He is quite a looker. (and the Phillies certainly enjoyed meeting him yesterday)

    This is yet another example of why a game program can help you scout a team for hotness, but should never be relied on to give you the full picture. Those official photos can be very misleading.

  4. Yeah, I never saw what women liked in Bronson either, but from what I hear he’s not hard to get if you’re interested.

    And I’m pretty sure Saarloos is 10x hotter because of the A’s uniform he’s wearing above – that organization always have the best looking guys.

  5. Redhead, I think that the A’s do that, just in case they get the spillover of baseball fans from the Castro, across the bay.

    Give the people what they want.

  6. Clare- let’s not get too picky on a pitcher’s windup and delivery- I know a certain overly-gumbified Phillies pitcher whose release pose is almost as unique.

    Also: A’s are the hottest team in baseball, bar none. It’s not even close.

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