Where the hell did this tattoo come from?
Where am I? Why am I awake at 5:30 in the morning on a Saturday? Why do I smell like an ashtray?
There’s a cat nuzzling my face and licking my forehead. That’s strange: I don’t think I own a cat.
Where is the bathroom? I AM GOING TO BE SICK.
The date on my phone says April 14. I have five messages that say “happy birthday” and “thanks for the pants party!” It’s my birthday? How did I get so sick on my birthday? And what the hell is a “pants party?”
Who did this to me? I’ve got to figure out who did this to me on my birthday. Does this ugly green tote bag belong to me? Let me look though it; that might give me some clues.
Let’s see…red pashmina, “Hello My Name Is” stickers, three Jason Bay bobblehead dolls, and a digital camera. Maybe I should look at the photos. That’ll probably help me figure out what happened last night.
At least I woke up alone this morning.
Apparently, I was at a baseball game. I guess that’s where the bobbleheads came from. It must have been pretty cold, though—these two random people were wearing headbands and winter coats.
What the hell are these giant pastries running the bases?
Oh. They’re pierogies. Wait, PNC Park? That’s in Pittsburgh! How did I get to Pittsburgh?!
So, this Jason Bay character. He seems to play for the Pirates. Is he cute?
Eh. (Nice arms, though.)
What else is on here? A bucket of wings and some Twizzlers.
Ugh, no wonder I feel so sick.
Barry Bonds is here? That explains why the crowd looks so rowdy.
This guy seems to be one of his fans.
Another beer photo? Oh God, I must’ve had a lot to drink.
Wait, now I’m not in the stadium…I’m in a bar. I’m in a bar? Oh no. No no no. This is bad. I was in a bar before the game?! Here’s those girls again! Do I know them? I must not, because they’re wearing name tags. They look unhappy that I’m taking their photos.
I took a photo of a dude dancing badly in a t-shirt that says “the cream.” What the hell is “the cream?” He’s wearing a name tag too. All our name tags match. Should I know this guy Joe?
Even the bartender has a name tag?
One more photo on the camera…I hope it’ll have a clue about who did this to me.
I look like I’m…having fun. Maybe I need to have pants parties (whatever they are) more often.
Ladies... 
The only thing that could have made this post any better was a little Guy Pearce…
Even the jukebox was having fun.
Shot of Jack Daniels was a bad choice.
Sorry we got you so wrecked on your Birthday Eve. It was fun though!
Sorry? Are you kidding me, Erika? It was awesome! At least I didn’t pass out in your closet this time around!
Sounds a lot like the song ‘What Happened?’ by Sublime – and many, many nights from my own life…minus the name tags of course.
Ahahahahahahahahahaha!
“What the hell are these giant pastries running the bases?”
Great post!
That’s so very awesome. I had one night in NO where I wish I had a little photographic evidence to remember exactly what went down.
Who are these people and where are there hands?
Nothing says “Happy Birthday” than waking up drunk with a hairy pussy nuzzling your face.
Tim, your hand is definitely on my ass in that last photo.
Naughty naughty!
</Borat>THERE ARE NO QUAKER STEAKS HERE. I want to go home. *incoherent sobbing*
They have Quaker Steaks and Lubes in TN? Really? I knew that they had spread to Ohio from Western PA, but I didn’t know they had made it that far.
Those Jason Bay bobble heads are up to $1.89 on eBay, I’ll have you know. Sell high!
Mine is on my bureau right now. Joe was smart — he sold his to a kid for beer money while he was still at the park.
Thank goodness for the camera and its ability to remember what we cannot. And I’m glad your drunken, pantsy Buccos birthday was so much fun!
As near as I can recall that’s quite possibly a semi-accurate retelling of what may have been the series of events preceeding and following the April 13 Pirates/Giants baseball contest. I can’t be sure, though. Or maybe I can. I’m not sure.
–Sarcastro (Joe)
For the record, Jason Bay? Totally, yes. He can be my border checkpoint, eh? Or something.
Am I the only one who still has cake and ice cream and blow out candles on my birthday?
I really need to start drinking.
SA – If I ever saw my 30+ candles all in the same place, I would kill myself on the spot. (And I am just over 30.)
SA, I did cake with my family on Monday night. I still have half the cake left, but after seeing J-Money’s abs, I think its days are numbered.
SA- No way, we totally still do that! This weekend we’ll be lighting so many candles for my Dad that Smokey Bear will hit me in the face with his shovel.
And Clare, holy crap, this post made me spit a mouthful of Combos out onto my keyboard. Hilaaaarious!!!
“Clare wrote herself endless notes. But she’d get mixed up. I’ve got a more graceful solution to the memory problem. I’m disciplined and organized. I use habit and routine to make my life possible. Clare had no drive. No reason to make it work.”
Cameras > Drunken Memory.
And happy belated bday which is the same day as mine.
I try not to take pictures when I’m drinking because that’s kind of like gathering evidence for the cops.
I live in Miami, the cops here beat you, evidence or no evidence. So no harm done with pictures.
TSW–yes. And I am wilting without my fried zucchini. It’s just not the same when you’re making them yourself.
SA–when I’m home, which is Not Much, my family still does the cake thing. My mom works with elementary school kids, so this will probably never stop at our house. Also, she sent me an Easter basket. Containing all manner of delicious bath products instead of candy, but still.
And I could have been there, smiling in closed-tooth fashion as well. My regret knows no bounds!
Sad PS on the VT shirt. :-(
Holly – Big Wangs has good fried zucchini. The place is a dump, but the food it good.
We still need to go to the place downtown that has fried pickles. I LOVE fried pickles.
(Quick, I need to look at that pic of J-Money’s abs so I don’t eat all this crap!)
Holly, we totally do Easter baskets still. Last year my roommate came home with me for Easter, so she had a basket too and then my brother’s friend ended up crashing with us randomly the night before Easter, so in the morning my mom threw a basket together for him.
With your newly found sports knowledge, I hope by now you understand The Cream and The Clear!
Oh yeah, Mommy Shumway still makes me an Easter basket. This year I got Happy Feet on DVD and enough candy to kill Star Jones. It was awesome!
My one roommate made me and my other roommate Easter Tupperware containers, which was a delightful surprise, since she is Jewish.
J-Money: after her surgery (surgery, what surgery?!), it doesn’t take much candy to kill Star anymore.
Redhead: it seems less like anything Subliminal (really, now?), & more like the monologue titled “Brazil” on Henry Rollins’s Think Tank talking disc.
StarterWife: still only in your thirties, but off the yayo? You shouldn’t be easing into retirement so soon.
G-Shumway: nice on calling him “Smokey Bear”, so, sans ‘the’. Also, I hear ye on the Easter baskets into one’s twenties/thirties from the parental units.