I Was There: North Carolina-Michigan State

OK, first, I didn’t go to Michigan State. But I would rather eat a bag of aquarium gravel than cheer for UNC, so yesterday I was all “Go Green! Go White!” all the time, even though my entire family was decked out in a shade of blue that they call “Carolina ” while I defer to J.Crew’s description of “Rich Peri” in a sad attempt to feel better about the tees I just ordered.

There were about 10,000 other unique snowflakes rocking the light blue, since the game was in Winston-Salem which is only about five Cracker Barrels away from Chapel Hill. From all the seersucker, the Topsiders, and men named Worthington Fenimore Tartarcontrol “Whitey” Textilemill, it was obviously a Tarheel crowd.

We got to our seats right when Carolina was warming up and Tyler “They Call Me Psycho T Because I’m Real Psycho and T is my Favorite Color” Hansbrough was alternately taking jumpers and fidgeting with his mask. I tried to get chants of “Cher’s Your Mom” and “Eric Stoltz” started but they didn’t catch on. I like to think that maybe it was just too early.

My parents gave me a hard time about being a pretend Spartan. During the first time out, they insisted that I sing the Michigan State fight song. At that point, the MSU band tore into a tuba-heavy rendition of “You Give Love a Bad Name”. About the time I was shouting “No one can save me/The damage is done”, they were both wondering if it was safe for me to live by myself.

Author’s note: I couldn’t tell you the words to Wake Forest’s fight song if my J.Crew order depended on it. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t start “Props, props, Wake Forest, props/Old school refugees are we”…but those are the words I’ve always sung.

Michigan State had some great fans and a tasty-looking male cheerleader who should contact me if he would like to, um, practice his tumbling. Or if he would like to help me replace my porch light by hoisting me upward.

There was also this guy.

Sitting diagonally from me was Wake Forest senior center Kyle Visser, who was named All-ACC. Just so you know, it’s impossible to say “Congrats on being Third Team” without sounding like a bitch, regardless of how sincere you were. And it just makes it worse when you grab his arm and say “No, I mean, that’s not bad or anything.”

Drew Neitzel is beautiful. That is all.

After the first timeout, Tyler came back in the game without his mask. I secretly hoped that if anything else happened to him, he’d have to wear one of those big funnel collars that they put on dogs so they can’t chew themselves.

Sitting one section away from us was Michigan State’s most famous alum, Magic Johnson, who got a huge ovation when they showed him on the Jumbotron. This prompted the MSU crowd to start taunting “Where is Jordan?” clap clap clap “Where is Jordan?” clap clap clap. My mother shouted “Right beside Syria!” and was disappointed to learn that wasn’t what they meant. At halftime, I got his autograph on my ticket stub and yes, I was a little starstruck.

Note: Magic Johnson will not know what to say if, after getting his autograph, you shout “Wow! Thanks so much! I love your movie theatres!”.

Confidential to the Hot Cheerleader: Would you like to come over and see my autographed ticket? No, it’ll just take a second. It’s right upstairs.

The game really tightened up in the second half. Carolina led 41-33 at the break, but Michigan State went on an 11-2 run and I started humming the fight song. Or something like it. Or maybe it was “Butterfly Kisses”…regardless, I was happy.

I have no idea what this woman (left) was trying to find, but she spent most of the second half rummaging around in her lower GI tract.

Speaking of GI tracts, the woman in front of me (right), consumed a handful of Twizzlers, a bag of peanuts, and a hot dog, and proceeded to let her ass cropdust us every time she stood up. Much appreciated, especially since she didn’t watch a second of the game because she was too busy eating Olestra and talking to the woman beside her about how she wasn’t going to let Andre do her hair anymore since he was sooo out of touch and Rebecca’s has the cuuuuutest skirts and she muttered something else but I had fallen unconscious by that point.

By the 8:00 mark, MSU was up 59-58, Magic was on his feet, and I’m pretty sure Drew Neitzel heard me yell for him. Everything was fine until…

This kid, who I SWEAR winked at Roy Williams, started taking particular care in mopping around the Spartans during the breaks before he’d go “sweep” something near Carolina’s bench…

And the refs started pulling pro-Carolina calls out of storage…

And my mother (who is supercute, even when she wears that color) started praying.

That was it for the Spartans. In conclusion:

Tyler told his teammates how huge his balls are, finishing with 33 points, 9 rebounds, and playing a career-high 38 minutes.

Carolina eventually put Wes Miller in, whose potential is limited due to the fact that he has no neck. He scuttles around all hunched over, like the love child of Igor and a sand crab. Regardless, Drew Neitzel had 26 points and remains the Hottness. ReyShawn Terry (not pictured, despite my best efforts…) owned the final minutes. Every time he took a shot, my soon-to-be Carolina grad sister would say “Yes, make it, Husband.”

The final score was 81-67 but Tom Izzo is a winner for refusing to go grey. And for refusing to share a nickname with a brand of dog food sold exclusively at Wal-Mart.

Finally, allow me just throw it out that if I had to be seduced by a mascot, I wouldn’t mind if it was Sparty. I’m just saying. Anybody know if he likes J.Crew?