First, if you tell the IT department that their new “We block WordPress” policy is stupid, you’re guaranteed to spend the afternoon locked out of your computer. But now I’m home so I can write what I want, and unlike the IT department, I don’t smell like feet, Funyuns, and virginity.
I saw a Hertz commercial that said “Hertz rents Fords and other fine cars”, which is kind of like saying the Southland conference features Stephen F. Austin and other fine colleges. Most of them have admissions standards noted as “least selective”, which means if you don’t bleed on your application, you’re in.
Thanks to IT’s PC cockblock, three of the first round games have already been played but I’m willing to bet that if you live outside of, um, the south…land, not only are the scores new to you but so are the schools. My personal favorite team, the UT-San Antonio Roadrunners, were eliminated from the tournament after they disappeared into a tunnel that the coyote painted onto a rock.
#5 University of Texas-Arlington vs. #4 McNeese State
I was trying to find some YouTubage of the UT-Arlington team, but when I searched for UTA, this is what I found.
“This is my cat room?” How the hell can I follow that?
McNeese State’s motto is “Excellence with a personal touch”. I can’t decide where I’d like them to touch me. Touched by an Angel was an enduring drama. Touched by a Cowboy is something I ordered on Spectravision. But I’m not ruling it out.
#6 Stephen F. Austin University v. #3 Northwestern State University
OK, Texas has more founding fathers than Anna Nicole Smith’s baby and Stephen F. Austin was apparently one of them. The men’s teams are known as the Lumberjacks, while the women’s teams are called the Ladyjacks. Obviously, that’s made up, but it’s way more complimentary than the actual term for a female lumberjack: lesbian.
Their mascot is the Demon, which according to their website, was one of the many names submitted by students to a university-held contest. Others were (and this is copied directly from the site) “the Gridiron Knights, Daredvils, Boosters, Sharks, Cannons, Deers, Muskateers, Invicibles, Ground Hogs, Royalists, Cyclops, Bloodhounds, Professors, Cannon Balls, Wasps and Rattlesnakes”
Right. They should’ve just been the NSU [sic]s.
The Deers, the defending Southland conference champions, beat the Lesbians today, 85-76.
#7 Lamar University v. #2 Sam Houston State
Several of the Lamar players note that their hobbies include playing basketball. They also enjoy mesh shorts, sneakers, and group showers. I hope to God they find the intersection of those concentric circles.
This game was played earlier today and Lamar nipped Sam Houston by one, 99-98, behind conference Newcomer of the Year Lamar Smith’s 27 points. That’s not a typo. You know he has more than one sweatshirt that says “Lamar” across the chest and perhaps tells potential dates about his stringent admission standards. That’s what I would do. The Cardinals’ second leading scorer was Brandon Chappell who’s cute but so innocent looking. I’d feel like I was trying to hook up with one of the mice that made Cinderella’s dress or something.
Sam Houston was another of Texas’ founding fathers and for some reason, I like to think that he shot pistols all the time and used words like “rootin tootin” and “varmints”. The Bearkats (No, that’s not a typo either. The K is for Kwality) also have the league’s most pretentiously named player, Barkley Faulkner, who is probably fond of sportscoats with patches on the elbows, pitchers of lemonade, and putting extra syllables into words.
#8 Southeastern Louisiana University v. #1 Texas A&M-Corpus Christi
Several of the Southeastern basketball players noted that they chose to attend school there because “it was close to home”. They also chose their hometowns for the same reason.
Texas A&M Corpus Christi’s logo is a giant wave, which may explain why they all look wet in their pictures. This is the Islanders’ first year in the conference and, obviously, their first league title. Regardless of what happens in the tournament, they’re guaranteed an appearance in the NIT. So they got that going for them, even though they won their first round game.
I had a tremendously difficult time getting this to post. My links didn’t work, my video won’t embed, and there’s Funyun dust all over my sofa.