Southland Conference Panty…Wait? Who?

FunyunsFirst, if you tell the IT department that their new “We block WordPress” policy is stupid, you’re guaranteed to spend the afternoon locked out of your computer. But now I’m home so I can write what I want, and unlike the IT department, I don’t smell like feet, Funyuns, and virginity.

I saw a Hertz commercial that said “Hertz rents Fords and other fine cars”, which is kind of like saying the Southland conference features Stephen F. Austin and other fine colleges. Most of them have admissions standards noted as “least selective”, which means if you don’t bleed on your application, you’re in.

Thanks to IT’s PC cockblock, three of the first round games have already been played but I’m willing to bet that if you live outside of, um, the south…land, not only are the scores new to you but so are the schools. My personal favorite team, the UT-San Antonio Roadrunners, were eliminated from the tournament after they disappeared into a tunnel that the coyote painted onto a rock.

#5 University of Texas-Arlington vs. #4 McNeese State

I was trying to find some YouTubage of the UT-Arlington team, but when I searched for UTA, this is what I found.

“This is my cat room?” How the hell can I follow that?

I also couldn’t find any hot guys so instead, I give you the UTA all–anagram team, led by freshman guard Rear Dog Urging, junior guard Dick Prosper, and junior guard Oral Ass Nub.

McNeese State’s motto is “Excellence with a personal touch”. I can’t decide where I’d like them to touch me. Touched by an Angel was an enduring drama. Touched by a Cowboy is something I ordered on Spectravision. But I’m not ruling it out.

#6 Stephen F. Austin University v. #3 Northwestern State University
OK, Texas has more founding fathers than Anna Nicole Smith’s baby and Stephen F. Austin was apparently one of them. The men’s teams are known as the Lumberjacks, while the women’s teams are called the Ladyjacks. Obviously, that’s made up, but it’s way more complimentary than the actual term for a female lumberjack: lesbian.

Ten and FourNorthwestern State. Ten guys. Four ties. Do yourself a favor and click the thumbnail for the full awesomeness.

Their mascot is the Demon, which according to their website, was one of the many names submitted by students to a university-held contest. Others were (and this is copied directly from the site) “the Gridiron Knights, Daredvils, Boosters, Sharks, Cannons, Deers, Muskateers, Invicibles, Ground Hogs, Royalists, Cyclops, Bloodhounds, Professors, Cannon Balls, Wasps and Rattlesnakes”

Right. They should’ve just been the NSU [sic]s.
The Deers, the defending Southland conference champions, beat the Lesbians today, 85-76.

B Chappell#7 Lamar University v. #2 Sam Houston State
Several of the Lamar players note that their hobbies include playing basketball. They also enjoy mesh shorts, sneakers, and group showers. I hope to God they find the intersection of those concentric circles.

This game was played earlier today and Lamar nipped Sam Houston by one, 99-98, behind conference Newcomer of the Year Lamar Smith’s 27 points. That’s not a typo. You know he has more than one sweatshirt that says “Lamar” across the chest and perhaps tells potential dates about his stringent admission standards. That’s what I would do. The Cardinals’ second leading scorer was Brandon Chappell who’s cute but so innocent looking. I’d feel like I was trying to hook up with one of the mice that made Cinderella’s dress or something.

B FaulknerSam Houston was another of Texas’ founding fathers and for some reason, I like to think that he shot pistols all the time and used words like “rootin tootin” and “varmints”. The Bearkats (No, that’s not a typo either. The K is for Kwality) also have the league’s most pretentiously named player, Barkley Faulkner, who is probably fond of sportscoats with patches on the elbows, pitchers of lemonade, and putting extra syllables into words.

#8 Southeastern Louisiana University v. #1 Texas A&M-Corpus Christi
Several of the Southeastern basketball players noted that they chose to attend school there because “it was close to home”. They also chose their hometowns for the same reason.

Texas A&M Corpus Christi’s logo is a giant wave, which may explain why they all look wet in their pictures. This is the Islanders’ first year in the conference and, obviously, their first league title. Regardless of what happens in the tournament, they’re guaranteed an appearance in the NIT. So they got that going for them, even though they won their first round game.

I had a tremendously difficult time getting this to post. My links didn’t work, my video won’t embed, and there’s Funyun dust all over my sofa.

13 thoughts on “Southland Conference Panty…Wait? Who?

  1. I should have taken one for the team and done the Southland, because it’s really all my state’s fault (for the most part) – but it is way better to read about these schools from a Yankee’s viewpoint.

    And for future reference, not only is Sam Houston State in Huntsville- just across from Death Row (whee!), it also boasts a MASSIVE Sam Houston statue… because he’s just that important. You can see a giant dude with sideburns AND Old Sparky… all in one convenient stop!

    (remind me to tell you the story of the time I went to dance camp at SHSU, and one of the dudes escaped out of the Death Row pen… fun times for parents of all 500 17 year old girls staying right across the way!)

  2. Two of us did take it for the team… just one of us had to write about it. ;) And she is a QUEEN for doing so. (I think there was I point when I looked at pics that I actually said to myself, “Should have let the state leave when they wanted to.”

  3. It also appears along with their 4 ties, Northwestern also has only 4 shirts. And is it me, or does the middle-bottom guy look remarkably similar to a younger Randy Moss?

  4. I’m one of those tech support guys, not your company, but I’m one of them.

    Most companies have an unsecure, unmonitored wireless acount for “guest” in the building. You may notice it’s slower than the normal network, but that has to do with the IT playing Unreal Tournament and downloading last nights theater release from bittorrent.

    Just an FYI.

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