Ivy League Hangover

Penn is your winner, again. They win most years, then go on to lose in the first round of the NCAA tournament. In the last 10 years of the NCAA tourney it’s been Princeton 4 times, Penn 6 times. The Ivy League representative is seeded anywhere from 11 to 15, but never dropping to a 16 seed. Ivy League rep, “So you’re saying there’s a chance!”

A couple tidbits on the Ivy League that I discovered while perusing the photos of their players: Brown has a forward who looks like Sloth from The Goonies. I thought about including a picture, but decided that would be mean. Daniel Trepanier (left) from Columbia is the White Michael Irvin. Finally, Princeton gets a special award today. The Ugliest Team I’ve Looked at Yet Because DAMN They All Appear To Have Herpes About The Face Award. Yikes. (Except Zach Woolridge, he’s pretty cute and appears to be herpes-free).

Not much to say about the Ivy League, so I’m doing my own kind of tournament. I know someone at my law school that went to undergrad at each of these fine institutions. I’m going to do a hottie bracket for them and see who comes out on top, using the seeding based on how they finished in the conference this year. Update: as it turns out, I can’t get a picture of either of my classmates from Columbia or Brown, so they’re out and Penn and Yale get first round byes. So the first round is:


#3 seed Cornell v. #6 seed Princeton

I think you can see that Princeton is clearly hotter, no matter how funny and smart Cornell may be. Congratulations, Princeton. You advance to the Hottie Final Four.

#4 seed Harvard v. #5 seed Dartmouth

I will tell you, fair readers, that Dartmouth’s first picture is from his ID picture and the other one is a candid shot and neither does him justice. He’s actually fairly good-looking. However, Harvard is still hotter than he is and she advances to our Final Four as well.



In the Hottie Final Four, the #1 seed Penn squares off against the underdog, #6 seed Princeton. This is a tough one. Both of these lovely ladies have great personalities, they’re both brilliant and they both make me laugh hard enough to wet my pants on a regular basis. We’ve also got the Latin Flava of Princeton versus the Spicy Curry Award of Penn. This is really hard for me, but for the Hottie Bracket, I gotta go with Penn on a buzzer-beater from half-court.


In the hotly [rim shot] contested second match-up, we have #2 seed Yale going up against the #4 seed Harvard. Yale and Harvard have an annual grudge match in football, but this is no contest. Yale is a cute guy and is pretty funny, but Harvard is a Hottie. She also is part of a fake band with me called “Crotch and the Hooker-Faced Bookends.” Look for our fake album this fall that includes the hits, “Free Clinic” and “Double-Team Ya for Fun.”



#1 Penn and #4 Harvard square off in the finals of the Ivy Leaguers at my Law School Hottie Tournament! I think I’ll leave this up to the fair readers to decide. Leave your votes in the comment section.

The All-Ivy League Hot Team Of People Who Actually Play Basketball


James Lambert, G, Harvard, 6’3, 195


Conor Mullen, G, Cornell, 6’5, 200


Alex Barnett, F, Dartmouth, 6’6, 205

Kenyon Churchwell, F, Harvard, 6’8, 200


Ben Nwachukwu, C, Columbia, 6’9, 235

8 thoughts on “Ivy League Hangover

  1. PS: Ladies, I am already calling James Lambert all to myself, so you’ll have to fight it out for the other 4. That is all.

  2. I’m a little disappointed in the Cornell representation. I was only there for 3 years, but there were definitely some hot guys….
    But Conor can rep my alma mater all night long, wink wink.

  3. I’ll take Alex. I’ve never actually known anyone who went to Dartmouth, and I feel he would be an excellent way to introduce me to that fine institution…

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