… in which the post author confesses that she has a crush on an unusual athlete, and attempts to justify the unjustifiable.
ROGER CLEMENS EDITION
Rocket at Yanks game yesterday. Yes, he’s talking to Joe Torre.
So here’s the thing: I have a huge crush on Roger Clemens. Like, I would have his babies Giselle/Bridget-style, and I don’t even really like kids. Although I would not classify him as “hot”, he is incredibly sexy – and I would pick him over almost all the baseball players actually in my own age bracket. I think I can point to four reasons why.
1. He is a Longhorn. And I am nothing if not a giant homer. He won my school a national championship- that alone makes him a lifetime 10. Even more, he’s as big of a Texas homer as I am- he wears Texas gear constantly, he forces his children to enroll there, he goes to football and baseball games all the time… his giant gymnasium at his compound in Houston has a massive longhorn over the door, and longhorn crap all over the inside. I feel confident that if we were to have a homer-off, he’d win- which (as anyone who is an obsessive homer for any team will know) is a huge turn-on. We could go to Texas games (football, baseball, basketball- whatever), and make fun of the opposing teams and scream insults at them.
Texas uniform = automatic 50 points hottness bonus
2. He is awesome. Hall of Famer (no-brainer there). Seven-time Cy Young award winner. 300+ wins. 4,604 strikeouts (second only to my other sports crush, Nolan Ryan). Two-time World Series champion. 11-time All-Star. Probably the greatest pitcher playing the game.
Wipe that face off your head, batter.
3. He has attitude. He will kick your ass. Not just at the plate- where he’s more than willing to buzz your head- but he generally doesn’t take any shit from anybody. He is unapologetically asshattish at times, and he doesn’t care who doesn’t like it. He wants what we wants when he wants it… and generally, people jump to make that happen. That’s kind of awesome.
Roger does not have time for your stupid shit.
4. He is stacked. I don’t like beanpoles, and Rocket is most definitely not one of those. 6’4″, 235 (ok, ESPN, that’s being a bit generous…) – yes, please. I mean, broad chest, big arms, muscular thighs and a foot taller than me? With the bonus points when he’s a baseball uniform (especially the Astros variety), he’s officially off the charts.
So there it is, my not-so-secret shame. I have a crush on Roger Clemens, and I don’t care who knows it.
Oh if only I had your courage to tell my secret athlete crush.
“I feel confident that if we were to have a homer-off, he’d win- which (as anyone who is an obsessive homer for any team will know) is a huge turn-on.”
Yes it is.
Aww, SA- my lone friend in the world, throwing me a commenting bone so my post doesn’t look like the ugly girl at the dance.
Now I must convince you to tell your secret shame- it is a cleansing experience.
I don’t think I can do it. Too embarrasing I think.
Clemens was a cutie back in his Texas days.
Yes you can! Do it! Do it! Do it! I mean, seriously, how bad can it be? If he’s an athlete to begin with, he must at least have skills + a good body.
SA – Is it John Kruk? It is, isn’t it.
Yeah- I’m betting on John Kruk or Jason Giambi. Or John Rocker.
Rich Garces? Come on…
Here’s the thing. If I ever wanted an Astro, it would be like Jeff Bagwell.
My first sports crush was Craig Biggio… almost 20 years ago- yikes! I was just a kid when he got called up in late ’88, and I fell in (little kid) love in ’89.
You can love him as a Yankee you know…. that is where I loved Petitte first.
I liked Biggio too. They play the Pirates so often, it was always great to see them.
TSW: uh, no, you wouldn’t want Bagwell. At least not 2007 Bagwell. I saw him on Tuesday (he was the Astros 1st base coach), and he looked old. And his uni was huuuuge. He’s lost some serious pounds.
This is not good news, Metschick. I’ll be seeing him Saturday- maybe I need to bring him some chicken soup. Or a basket full of carb-licious breads.
Or some HGH.
Or my LOVE. That should fix him right up.
Very wise – love makes you fat. The last time I was in love I gained 20 pounds. Sadly, I currently weight less than I did in the 11th grade. No love to worry about here.
Awww, Jebus! Meet me and Jeff in FL, and we’ll share!
God no it’s not John Kruk. Or Giambi or Rocker. Or Rich Garces. No no no no no.
Maybe I will, just not now. Later…
Tease! It’s Berman.
I wasn’t whining Texas Gal. I like being 6’4″ and 205 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal. I don’t want to get fat again so I stay emotionally unavailable.
SA – you are a terrible tease. It’s the Big Unit isn’t it?
What’s this you say, Jebus? 6’4, 205? Go on….
And I can confirm that one of the Ladies… thinks Randy Johnson is hot, and one of the Ladies… also thinks Steve Nash is hot.
Methinks the Ladies… are looking at slumpbusters when they can do so much better. I’ve seen photos of nearly all of the Ladies… and trust me when I say that they can have their pick of the herd.
Except for the One… who thinks The Unit is hot. That is just sick.
The hottest Astro is that catcher dude (whose name escapes me — I blame the blinding hotness) with the bedroom eyes.
Brad Ausmus! I knew I’d remember it.
Oh, yeah- Ausmus is quite a stunner. And bedroom eyes captures it perfectly.
Texas Gal– Sorry, I lost track of the Ladies… for a while. I agree 100% with your assessments. Just so you know. They need to put more ladies in the Astros’ front office — no woman would have ever let Andy go.