So I was able to tune in for the second half of the Sun Belt finals. It was….kinda boring, to tell you the truth. The announcers were pretty funny though. They kept stressing that the winner of the game should definitely NOT be in the play-in game. They should get to join the field of 64 just like all the other Big Boy Teams. At the end of the first half, North Texas led Arkansas State by 1 point. I predicted that Arkansas State would win in this tourney. They’re on a 6-game winning streak and one of their stars, Adrian Banks, broke the ASU single-season scoring record this year as a freshman!
However, I shall keep you in suspense no longer: North Texas pulled out the win. According to our funny announcers, this was “a celebration 19 years in the making.” Yeah, it’s always good to see those 19-year plans come to fruition. I wonder if, when they were busy pooping and breast feeding and being fetuses, the North Texas players had any idea what the Basketball Gods had cooked up for them. Also, my celebration 19 years in the making will be when I win the bronze medal in the Luge at the age of 44 in the Ireland 2026 Winter Olympics.
As far as Arkansas State goes, I did find out that one of their starters, Abayomi Ajaysin, is a 6’7 nursing student with a 4.0 GPA. Dude, that is impressive. I cannot wait until I am in Arkansas for my gastric bypass surgery and my nurse walks in and it is a 6’7, totally jacked Nigerian coming in to take my blood pressure and see if I need to pee. Hello, sponge bath. That will fucking rule! I will totally not have to sue, like Charlie Weis.
As for the North Texas Mean Green, I learned that they are actually the Mean Green Eagles. It took me awhile to find out what was actually “mean” and “green.” I was really hoping it was just a person in a giant plush Mean Joe Greene costume. That picture, however, is not of Mean Joe Greene. It is actually Zoltar dressed as Mean Joe Greene.
Their mascot is an eagle named Happy Scrappy Hero Eagle. I’m lying; it’s actually just named Scrappy. There is no word on whether they have spray-painted him green, but I like to think they have. One of their players is Quincy Williams, brother to Sheldon, who used to play for Duke. Quincy looks A LOT like Sheldon, so you’ll understand why he is not on the All-Conference Hot Team.
Tonight, Calvin Watson of North Texas was EN FUEGO. He had 24 points and was 6 for 7 from beyond the arc. He was dropping 3s in from all over the court and most of them were in NBA range. Kid can shoot, my friends. He’d totally by my Hottie MVP, except he’s not very cute. But good job tonight, anyway Calvin!
The Hottie MVP goes to Ben Bell with 10 points and a cute mug. Congratulations, North Texas! Here’s hoping you aren’t in the play-in game!
Ben Bell… nice. Very nice indeed. Scrappy gives him 2 thumbs up!
Fucking North Texas – Had Arkansas State won I’d be writing about them for Deadspin!