SEC Panty Raid: *hic*

The Southeastern Conference Tourney kicks off tomorrow night at the Georgia Dome in Atlanta. If it weren’t my home conference, I might not even watch this year. The teams are big, slow, and mean, with the exceptions of Tennessee and Florida, the only two schools to crack the Top 25. Not what you’d call electrifying court presences.

So rather than discuss actual basketball, I thought I’d leave it up to the collective juju of each university to make my predictions. Let the games begin:

1:00 – Alabama vs. Kentucky

Alabama Intangibles:

• Asset: Prothro. You’re a warrior, man.
• Asset (Evil): The Machine.
• Liability: Senior Forward Jermareo Davidson insists on being called “Jay Smoove”.
• Liability: Athletic department now associated with Nick Saban (left).
• Liability: The song “Sweet Home Alabama”.

Kentucky Intangibles:

• Asset: Junior guard Joe Crawford’s nickname: “Kid Dynomite”.
• Asset: Senior center Lukasz Obrzut’s nickname: “Woo”. Woo!
• Asset (Evil): Dr. J. Michael Guiler.
• Liability: Alum Ashley Judd (left).
• Liability: Alum Pat Riley.

Alabama-Kentucky Advantage: Kentucky goes on to face Mississippi State.

Mississippi State Intangibles:

• Asset: Richard & Reginald Delk on the same roster. God bless twins!
• Asset: Alum Cynthia Cooper.
• Asset: Alum Fred Smoot.
• Liability: Alum John Grisham.
• Liability: The cowbell thing.

Kentucky-Mississippi State Advantage: Kentucky

3:15 – South Carolina vs. Arkansas

South Carolina Intangibles:

• Asset: Actual quote from freshman center Mitchell Carter’s bio: “Has the body to take and develver physical punishment in the suggest SEC.” No idea what this means, but it sounds scary.
• Asset: All-Name Team Alert: Assistant coach Ken Potosnak.
• Liability: Senior Guard Tre’ Kelley’s real name is Alfrie.
• Liability: Sophomore guard Devan Downey’s bio lists “good listener” as a special skill.
• Liability: Freshman forward Chad Gray bites his fingernails and used to sing in a band formed by his mom.

Arkansas Intangibles:

• Asset: Junior guard Gary Ervin named the SEC’s best penetrator. Rrrrowr.
• Asset: Junior forward Charles Thomas’ nickname: “The Manimal”.
• Asset: All-Hair Team starting center Steven Hill (left). Feathered and lethal.
• Asset: Alum: Crazy-awesome Pat Summerall.
• Liability: The following passage from Wikipedia’s explanation of the Hog Call: “The length of Woo is a matter of contention. Traditionalists will called for a full eight-second Woo.”

South Carolina-Arkansas Advantage: Arkansas goes on to face Vanderbilt.

Vanderbilt Intangibles:

• Asset: Freshman guard Jermaine Beal’s nickname: “Dolla Beal”
• Asset: Alum-most-awesome, my secret boyfriend Joe Bob Briggs (left).
• Liability: Alum Skip Bayless.
• Liability: Alum Amy Grant.
• Liability: Head Coach Kevin Stallings is a total pantywaist.

Arkansas-Vanderbilt Advantage: Vanderbilt

7:30 – Georgia vs. Auburn

Georgia Intangibles:

• Asset: Freshman forward Albert Jackson plays chess before every game.
• Asset: The pirate versus ninja versus ATF incident.
• Asset: White-hot alum Josh Holloway.
• Liability: Alum Ralph Reed.
• Liability: Alum Ryan Seacrest.

Auburn Intangibles:

• Asset: Junior guard Frank Tolbert has an extra finger on each hand.
• Asset: Freshman forward Lucas Hargrove’s Auburn bio contains the following gems: “PRIZED POSSESSION: Relationship with my mom and my shoe collection. BIGGEST FEAR: God!”
• Liability: Freshman guard Kelvin Lewis’ biggest fears: snakes and airplanes. Make your own joke.
• Liability: Sophomore Korvotney Barber is a fourteen year old girl, and not a smart one. His Auburn bio lists “talking on the phone” as his only hobby, and when asked to describe himself in three words, he comes up with “obedient”.
• Liability: Alum Anne Rivers Siddons, author of many terrible novels breeding in rented beach house nightstands across the nation.

Georgia-Auburn Advantage: Georgia goes on to face Florida.

Florida Intangibles:

• Asset: Alum Erin Andrews.
• Asset: Alum Reche Caldwell (left). Buggy of eye, bricky of hand, and bringer of absolute delight in the 2007 AFC Championship game.
• Asset: Responsible, in a roundabout way, for more joy than anyone reasonably thought to expect from Rex Grossman.
• Liability: These.
• Liability: Spurrier. Yes, wrong sport. Yes, he’s gone. Yes, we don’t care. We hate him in the face. We hate him raw.

Georgia-Florida Advantage: Florida.

9:45 – LSU vs. Tennessee

LSU Intangibles:

• Asset: Team boasts an All-Name Team sure bet in sophomore forward Magnum Rolle.
• Asset: Stephen Soderbergh hung out there as a kid.
• Asset: Joseph Addai, brand-new face of the Indianapolis Colts’ running game.
• Asset: Shaq went there! He’s sort of delightful, isn’t he?
• Liability: The “Geaux” thing. Retch.

Tennessee Intangibles:

• Asset: The Vols were ranked fifth of six in last year’s SEC East, and won the title. This year they’re hungry, focused, and coming off a positively Biblical home finale against Florida.
• Asset: Between Pat Summitt and Bruce Pearl, Tennessee teams play their home basketball games in an arena unrivaled on the Crazy Eyes Index.
• Asset: Tennessee has PEYTON and Davy Fucking Crockett (left). Your school does not.
• Asset: Senior Dane Bradshaw, who has at times played with no uninjured limbs, cannot be killed by man of woman born.
• Liability: Four words: Rocky Top techno remix. That’s right. Mistakes were made. Also, the translation of Tennessee’s speed-based game plan to a four-day schedule is a legitimate question mark, but I said I wouldn’t write about actual basketball.

LSU-Tennessee Advantage: Tennessee goes on to face Ole Miss.

Ole Miss Intangibles:

• Asset: All-Name Team Alert: Freshman guard Eniel Polynice.
• Asset: Ole Miss labs grow marijuana for government research. Seriously.
• Liability: Alum Trent Lott.
• Liability: Their football program fired David Cutcliffe. Hiss.
• Liability: The Faulkner connection. Listen, you dead drunk, I want my hours of high school back.

Tennessee-Ole Miss Advantage: Tennessee.

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And that’s that. Kentucky, Vandy, Florida, and Tennessee will battle it out for the title. The real tragedy is that the Vols and Gators will have to meet in the semis…fans on both sides would love to see them in the final after last week’s hair-puller. Me, I’m hoping for a Vandy-UT rematch, but only because I love seeing Kevin Stallings cry. (Which he does. A lot.)

Saving the best for last, I give you…the All-SEC Hott Team (NB: No cute centers to be found. Really.):

F Duke Crews – Tennessee

F Ryan Childress – Tennessee

G Dan Cage – Vanderbilt

G Ramar Smith – Tennessee

S’go, team!!