This post almost killed me. No hyperbole, no exaggeration, no whining. God love you if you are a beat reporter covering the Mountain West Conference, because you are made of a stronger mettle than I. It took me three days to come up with my all hottie MWC team, (I did manage to go work, see a movie, go to the gym, and play too much Wii in that time), but I swear to you I looked at the team rosters SEVERAL DOZENS OF TIMES to come up with five players.
I blame several things –
- I was still high off of my Big Sky Panty Raid when I started this preview. Portland State and Weber State just flat-out ruined me for other men for a couple of days. (They’ve both advanced in their tourney, and are playing each other tonight. Unfortunately the game is not on TV, which is a shame because with that amount of hotness it could easily be one of the highest rated events in ESPN3 history.)
- The majority of the MWC websites are done through CSTV.com, which creates the same
fuckingboring sites for each of their teams. Same layout, same style player pictures, same navigation, same same same same. The only thing that changes are the colors. This is the third one of these NCAA previews I have researched, and the second I see the browser redirect to a CSTV site, I immediately want to stab myself in the eye for looking at something so bland. (Yes, I am aware I am writing this criticism in a blog template. At least we have pictures of hot men at the top.)
- When I thought I might be able to dismiss teams (and thus their players) based on not making the conference tourney, I remembered THAT THE WHOLE LEAGUE PLAYS IN THE TOURNAMENT! That is right! Tonight in Las Vegas two 4-12 conference teams, TCU and New Mexico, get to play! If you are 4-12, you shouldn’t be rewarded with a trip to Vegas. You should be rewarded with North Dakota or the UP of Michigan.
I thought about giving up. I thought about emailing the rest of the Ladies and saying, “Ladies! I just cannot do this! Not only can I not find enough hotties, but I am starting to feel icky because a good third of the BYU team is already married and have kids, and while I have nothing against Mormons they seem a little young, right? Don’t make me finish this preview, Ladies… I promise I’ll cover cricket this summer if I don’t have to finish this league.”
And then I read this in a player’s bio, “enjoys eating tacos from Jack in the Box”.
Now, you will never catch me eating a taco from Jack in the Box, but suddenly he became more human. BYU’s Jordan Cameron suddenly sounds like he’d be more fun than just a basketball game. That maybe he’d want to just hang out with some friends, rent a movie, and maybe grab some tacos. If things get really rowdy, maybe even a taco eating contest.
Jordan gave me the will to look on for more hotties. Yes, the pictures in suits were going to be bland, but there had to be some gems in there. Average guys who would just want to go get tacos.
I’m not going to bore you with the details of this tourney. They all
fucking play. (Sorry, from here on out in this post I will not swear for our Mormon friends. I’ll even revise the above.) BYU and UNLV are almost always a lock and unless Air Force decides to get all uppity. (No pun intended.)
And now the rest of the hotties –
His bio says that you should say his name “Stee-ven Way”. He is from Australia, so I imagine he just likes fish tacos.
Born in Jamica, raised in the Bronx, so he might prefer pizza to tacos. Also played on the Jamacian National Team which means if he does like tacos, he’d most likely prefer fish tacos with citrus salsa but we cannot rule out jerk chicken tacos.
From Los Angeles. Can probably name 15-20 great taco stands without having to think about it.
From Casper, Wyoming and now plays at U of Wyoming. 90% chance he has never seen a taco. If pressed to name a favorite taco, he would pick steak but would worry that that “taco” was code for something dirty.
Please let me take this moment to apologize for going so far off the rails. The MWC is a wonderful conference and deserves more respect than I am giving it. I am sure there are dozens of good looking men in this league, but damn if these pictures make them hard to find.
Who wants to go get a taco?