We should all thank the Portland State Vikings, (9-7, 18-12, 4th seed), for bringing a stylist to their team photo shoot. Not only do they have some of best looking guys I have ever seen in college sports, but they have some of the best looking photos in college sports. Good job. It became nearly impossible to eliminate any players from their team to make room for anyone from the rest of the league. (Which is really a bad thing, considering that some of the other teams have severe vitamin H-ottie deficiencies .)
Hello, Paul Hafford. Can I get you something? A beer maybe? I love playing Madden football too you know…
Ladies… Please try not to drool too much on yourselves now as we go plundering for a few more Vikings.
You like playing chess, Dupree Lucas? I was in the chess club in 5th grade. Rooks, knights, castles, and you are certainly a king. Maybe we can open a bottle of wine and you can show me some of your artwork. Your bio says you’re fast, but I think we can take this nice and slow.
And Sean Smith, you’re a strong three point shooter and love to play poker? I’ve played a lot of poker in my day, from way before the whole “poker fad” took off. No, no… I shouldn’t brag. Those poker tourneys I play in at the casinos are easy. But I happen to have deck of cards right here, and I see that you have more than enough clothes on to play a friendly hand. Basketball unis are still just a shirt, shorts, and a jock, right?
What do you mean I have to keep writing a preview of the Big Sky Conference?!?!? Can’t you see I am spending some serious alone time with the men of Portland State? Who cares about the rest of the conference at this point? If I must go on, I will. But don’t think for a second that I am not going to keep scrolling up every ten seconds to look at Paul, Dupree, and Sean again.
The person who writes the press guide for Eastern Washington State certainly has a sense of humor. (Which I guess you would need when your team fails to make the conference tourney. 8-8 in the league and 15-14 overall is more “meh” than “hehe”.) Junior forward Jake Beitinger is listed as having the nickname, “Jakey-poo”. Now we just need to know if it was his mom or his girlfriend that gave him the name.
Don’t worry Paul, Sean, and Dupree. You’re still on my mind. Let me get rid of these boring other teams….
Sixth-seeded Idaho State (8-8, 13-16) does not stand much of chance against third seed U of Montana. David Schroeder of the Idaho State Bengals, is the lone stand-out player to be named to the Big Sky All-Conference First Team and to be mentioned as the one really hot hottie from him team in this round up.
I don’t care how dominating the U of Montana Grizzlies (10-6, 16-14) have been in this conference in recent years. They put their players in tuxedos in their team pictures, which I believe marks the first time tuxes has made a group of men less attractive. So with the exception of Stuart Mayes, I am hoping to never see anyone from U of Montana again. (With the exception of TheStarterBoyfriend, who attended their journalism school for a couple of years before leaving for a school that better fit his level of hotness. )
Did I say “boyfriend”? Don’t you worry about him Paul, Sean, and Dupree. I can handle him. You worry about advancing past Montana State (8-8, 11-18), and their Nick Dissly in the first round. Not that there is much to worry about there.
On the brainy front, I would like to commend second seeded Northern Arizona (11-5, 17-11) for their great recruit Tyrone Bazy. Was in the National Honor Society all four years of high school and has been named to both the All-Tournament team for his skills on the court and to the All-Academic Team for his skills in the classroom. Brains are always hot.
And finally, we have #1 seed and power house, Weber State (11-5, 18-11.) Thank heavens, (which is not a joke pointed at their Mormon background), but a prayer offered up to more hotties being thrown our way.
I give you TJ Benson, a walk-on player. I love the idea of a “walk-on”. I says, “I don’t care what was expected of me, I want to do this. Screw the odds, I am going to work hard and be there. I am going to make this team.” And make it he did…
And finally, we have our foreign exchange player Juan Pablo Silveira from Uruguay. Hola. Your press guide called you, “svelte”. How do you say that in Spanish? Hopefully it is said in that way that allows you to roll your r’s when you say it.
I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m exhausted. There is no way I can objectively pick a team to win the title for Big Sky after all I have seen today. There is a reason why sometimes you just read the box scores, the stats, and the history of the team. Because if I had to pick a tourney bracket today, I’d be taking Portland State to go to the Final Four. (You hear that Kissing Suzy Kolber guys? My tourney picks are being BLINDED by looks. Now sack up and join the tourney league already!)
Now Paul, Sean, and Dupree… where were we?