Patriot League Panty Raid

The Patriot League.  The wannabe under-Ivy League. Where academics rule, where until recently athletic scholarships were forbidden, and where being 7-7 gets you home court advantage in the league tourney.   Also the home of the league were I am picking the MVP, and that Hottie MVP was out for the whole season with a serious knee injury, Kyle Roemer of Colgate.


Yes, I spent some time at a then-Patriot League school.   With the exceptions of Navy, (never visited), and American, (it replaced Fordham and therefore does not count), I have been fall-over drunk at all of the Patriot League campuses.  


What does that have do do with anything?  Nothing, other than I’ve seen a lot of hot guys at all of these schools and not many of them were basketball players.   You would think that this would have changed considering that Bush Sr. was in office while I was in college, but by looking at the team roster pages, it has not. 


(I started to type, “failed experiment” up there, but then suddenly remembered there are about three or four working broadcasters that also went through the booth at WFUV’s “One on One Sports” at the same time I did,  and since I cannot remember who said it first, I don’t know who to attribute it to. Fuck it, I am sure we all said the phrase at least once.  Students held up signs at every home game that read, ‘FORDHAM + A-10 = $$$”. But at least a couple of those guys are around The FanHouse, and quite frankly I am wondering when our worlds will collide for the first time in 15 12 years.)


Enough reminiscing and more sports hotties. 


First off, we’re saying “FU” to American.   They don’t link to player pages, much less pictures, from their online roster.   American could have a whole team of male models, but we wouldn’t know it.   Not a good way to help recruitment.   (Although it is very Patriot League of them. Vanity is so Big Ten.) Good job on being 7-7 in the league and 15-13 overall.


Next off, we’re dismissing Army and Navy.  They are both 4-10 in the league and 14-15 overall.  How do they recruit? Do they still have posters of “The Admiral” David Robinson on the wall at Navy?   (Plus, after looking at a couple of dozen pics of guys with shaved heads, I couldn’t tell which one was hotter than the next. )


Finally, we’re flat out ignoring Lehigh (7-7, 12-18) and Lafayette (3-11, 9-20).  One of the oldest rivalries in all of college athletics, and outside of those two schools, no one can tell them apart.   They deserve each other, because both of them did their player team pics with the players in dress shirts and ties, giving them the look of a bunch of junior copier salesmen.

Which leaves us with Holy Cross and Bucknell, two teams who insist on on hogging all the wins with their 13-1 league records.   (Holy Cross holds the tie-breaker.) 

Bucknell is dominant both on the court and in the looks department. (Or maybe scrappy players who pulled of the “Upset of the Year 2005” by knocking #3 Kansas out of the Big Dance, and upsetting #8 Arkansas last year have more swagger to their step.)    So I give you Darren Mastropaolo, Abe Badmus, and Donald Brown.


Hardly seems fair, eh?


Holy Cross has a chance of stealing the conference, and freshman Zach Paterick has a shot at the title of “Whitest Smile Ever”.  (Much like the Patriot League possible holds the title for “Palest League”.)


I’m taking Bucknell for the title for the third year in a row, but wouldn’t be shocked if Holy Cross won just because they had their own threepeat just a few years ago.

For more Patriot League coverage, I recommend  and . The latter site has one of the best insults I’ve ever seen in a comment section –

“hey you idiot how about you stop whining about somebody trying to charge for their work and go eat a whole bucket of pears

Who says this is not Ivy League material?




15 thoughts on “Patriot League Panty Raid

  1. Yes, the certainly knew how to party at Leigh.

    I spent my 21st birthday at the Leigh-Lafayette football game. I ended up passed out on top of a Suburban while tailgating, if I remember correctly.

  2. You remember it? I slipped and fell down the stairs at the stadium my senior year after running around tailgates making every person I saw drink bag o’ and then woke up in the backseat of my car.

  3. Hey ladies, take it easy on AU. We may not have much of a team but we did retire Vernon Maxwell’s number while I was there. Plus last time I went to an AU basketball game they let me in even though I was in the middle of an acid trip. Good times.

  4. I couldn’t read much beyond the glare of Zach’s gleeming grill. It looks like someone bleached an orange peel and shoved it in his mouth. Hell, the kid doesn’t even look comfortable with that smile.

    And what’s with AU not providing any pics of players? If I’m going to be jealous of some 6’9″ College Court Jockey, I for sure want to see his mug so I can find some fatal flaw in there and point it out for everyone so as to mare his potential “hotness” for all eternity…

  5. As having personally drunkenly accosted most of the Bucknell players for being bad offensively from time to time, I vote that they are more deserving of the crown than Bill Simmons’ alma mater.

  6. You site is disgusting. You have no right to disgrace a league that is great. Just because they aren’t your favorite, doesn’t mean you trash talk them. I have seen these players play and they give their all in that league and team, just to have you insult them. You are a cruel person!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s