Things I learned from watching the 2007 College Football All-Star Challenge, from the Orange Bowl in Miami and broadcast on the World Wide Leader:
1. Not just suburban dads from Middle America wear pleated khakis, Kirk Herbstreit does, too. Wait, never mind- Kirk *is* a suburban dad from Middle America. After lusting after him for years, it’s hard to remember he’s a dad.
2. Darius Walker is not “short”. He’s “diminuitive”.
3. The best way to measure relative strength of college QBs wanting to enter the draft? Some blue-chalked footballs and a moving piece of cardboard with an oversized picture of a football player on it. Very realistic.
4. And speaking of college QBs- they’re hot. No, really. Troy Smith? Hot. Chris Leak? Hotter. Drew Stanton? Hottest. Even Boise State’s Zabransky is good looking. Is this a new draft requirement for NFL quarterbacks- a minimum hotness level? If so, I give it my seal of approval.
5. Even when he’s not there, Bob Davie and Herbstreit still love to drool over Ted Ginn, Jr.
6. Everyone can use a random group of Hurricane cheerleaders standing by when you work. Just because.
7. Kenny Irons listens to country music. And I think he used his time laying on the turf to look up the U cheerleaders’ skirts. I think I’m a little bit in love with Kenny, he’s really funny.
8. Awwww! Ahmard Hall! He’s a Longhorn! And, apparently, a Marine who served in Iraq. Hook ‘Em, baby.
9. The U clearly doesn’t educate its football players in the basics of running- don’t wear a baseball cap when you’re running in a speed race, dummy. It will fly off your head and make you look like a dork for wearing it in the first place.
10. Unless a game or a million dollars is on the line, watching field goal kicks is pretty boring. Especially in an empty Orange Bowl.
11. Kickers’ legs are a thing of beauty, however. Especially UCLA’s Medlock. Yum.
12. If you thought Bob Davie was annoying in the broadcast booth during games, he is even more annoying when you don’t have the football on the field to distract you. I didn’t know it was possible for Bob to be more annoying. I was so very wrong.
13. It’s funny when Kirk says “69”. Even funnier when he says “69 is good”. Yes, honey. Yes it is.
14. That hook and ladder play BSU ran against Oklahoma is still just as sweet to watch now as it was back at the beginning of January. Somehow I think watching the Sooners get skunked on two trick plays will never get old.
15. Also, that reminds me: people get strangely angry when talking about whether that play is properly called a “hook and ladder” or “hook and lateral”. Like, “going to draw blood” angry.
16. You just know Kirk still pulls out his old OSU uniform on the weekend, and runs around in the backyard throwing passes.
17. Darius Walker pops his collar. (that’s not a euphemism)
18. Greg Olsen looks like a poor man’s Drew Stanton in the face, but he has a body that just won’t quit. Rowr.
19. Even without the game pants, football jerseys are damn sexy- they make a guy’s shoulders look broad and his biceps look huge. Of course, it doesn’t hurt when you have a smokin’ hot bod in the jersey…
20. ESPN’s theme music for College Football makes you even happier in February than it does in September. Withdrawal, y’all.