All-Star Posts, All-Star Posts, Come And Get Yer All-Star Posts

Good morning. How can you just walk on by without one tear in your eye?

(Incidentally, that song reminds me of this, which I swear only makes me cry because I’m listening to that damn song. Insert “unhealthy obsession” comment here.)

(Yes, I know that you’re getting this post after the afternoon post. It’s still morning in California.)

The current All-MLB RAR leader.

The current All-MLB RAR leader.

The rest of the All-Star awesomesauce is after the jump, but first: SPOILER ALERT! NO RED SOX OR YANKEES! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!.

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The 2009 NHL Awards Preview: Who Ya Got?

If there were an NHL Award for Best Looking, Steckel would be my pick!

If there were an NHL Award for "Best Looking," Steckel would be my pick!

UPDATED:  I’m watching the Awards Show, so I’ll be updating the winners as they’re announced.  See how you did in your predicitions!

Award season is upon us.  Well, at least the NHL Award season.  The Stanley Cup has been awarded, so the NHL Award Show is our mini hockey fix until September rolls around.  This year there is some excitement surrounding the nominees.  Some new faces have popped up in unexpected places, and some old faces have fallen out of contention.  I’ve always viewed the NHL Awards as some type of high school awards assembly only with nicer threads.  Some awards sound like a superlative right out of your high school yearbook, while others are pretty standard.

I thought I would give you a little blurb on each nominee and my pick.  I’ve even let you all get in on the action!  I’ll tell ya who I got if you tell me who ya got after the jump.

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In Which I Have Something To Say About Stephen Strasburg

Good morning. Stephen Strasburg’s mechanics suck and he’s going to get hurt.

Definitely hyperabducts, and definitely has a timing problem. Hey, at least he wears his socks the right way. Seriously, though, observe the difference between that photo, and a photo of someone with good mechanics:

Straight line from elbow to elbow, leading foot positioned to land much more square to the place, and the ball held above the shoulder right before footstrike. Yeah, that’s what I call flawless.

So hey, Strasburg? You have a lot to learn, buddy. I mean a lot. Good luck.

Dear Mr. Roddick

Its become rather easy to find pictures of Andy looking dejected.  That does not make this tennis fan happy!

It's become rather easy to find pictures of Andy looking dejected. That does not make this tennis fan happy!

Andy, Andy, Andy…what are we going to do with you?  While you may have reached the round of 16 at the French Open for the first time in your career, I can’t help but be disappointed in your recent play.  Andy, this isn’t even the tip of the iceberg.  There are many more things that need to be brought to your attention. Just follow me after the jump, hon.

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Bad Baseball Beards: The True Threat to our National Pastime

Oh, Jayson.  No.

Oh, Jayson. No.

Dear Major League Baseball Players,

We need to talk.

I know we all like to make fun of the old school owners who forbid facial hair, and most of you can probably recite the relevant parts of The Simpsons softball episode by heart.  The baseball season is long, and  required uniforms can make it hard to find an outlet for personal expressions of style other than your hair.  (Or so I’m told by friends who went to Catholic school.)

Still, this beard thing is out of control this season. Minda tried to warn you last year that things were getting a little too scruffy in the chin region, but did you listen?

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Have You Heard of Blake DeWitt?

I’m postponing my epic post about Trevor Bauer because right now, I just need to vent. (You’ve been warned.)

So. The Dodgers. Yeah, you guys, over there, in the hats that match the one I’m wearing right now. One of your bench players really sucks. His name is Juan Castro, and he has a career OPS+ of 56. That’s right, his offense is 44% worse than the average Major League player. So what is he doing in the Majors? Well, posting a 7.6 UZR/150 at shortstop, but that isn’t really my point.

But let’s put that in terms that are easier for most people to understand. From 2002-2008, he’s provided a little less than a third of a win — one third of one win, over the course of 7 years — to teams on which he’s been. Let that sink in for a moment.

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Another entry in the ‘Dick Move’ Hall of Fame.

Packers Favre Football

So. That happened.

I’ll be up front about this. I’ve been a vocal Favre hater for more than a decade now. I rolled my eyes when Madden waxed rhapsodic about Favre’s status as a gunslinger. I groaned inwardly every time someone told me that he was a ‘man’s man.’ I hated the entire city of Green Bay for unleashing him on the world.

I hated him because he (and the Green Bay Packers) stomped all my beloved New England Patriots in Super Bowl XXXI, leaving college freshman Maggie slumped on her bed wearing an expression that looked…kind of like the expression in that picture, actually. I’m bitter, I have a long memory and I learned how to hold an old-fashioned Irish grudge at my Grandma’s knee.

I tell you this only so I can explain to you, Green Bay fans, that I understand how you’re feeling right now, or how you’re going to feel if he goes through with this and suits up for the Vikings. That white hot, fiery hatred? That urge to punch that picture at the top of this post repeatedly because you can’t get the real thing in your hot little hands? The indignant, righteous and strangely helpless fury? I’m with you. I’ve been there. Hell, I’m upset on your behalf.

See, I’ve long suspected that Favre was going to end up with a plaque in the ‘Dick Move’ Hall of Fame. (The man took a dive for Michael Strahan, for God’s sake. He did the ‘I’m going to maaaaaaaybe retire, maybe not, let’s talk about me some more’ dance so many times I think Peter King performs the steps in his sleep. The writing was on the wall, people.)

The question, though, is just who he’ll be joining in the semi-hallowed, but mostly tarnished ‘Dick Move’ Hall of Fame. Come for the self-indulgence, stay for the money-grubbing.
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Merry Christmas or other applicable happy day

If you don’t celebrate Christmas, don’t sweat it. You can still enjoy this post. If you do celebrate Christmas, have a merry one!

Earlier this year, our little site celebrated its 1000th post by highlighting each of our favorite hotties. Now, in the spirit of the holidays, it’s time for our hotties to give back. Do your eyeballs a favor and enjoy the Ladies…’ stocking stuffers after the jump.
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The Twelve Days of Christmas (Ladies … Remix)


B: …What are the “Twelve Days of Christmas”? ‘Cause, figure it out, right? Christmas is when?
D: Um, the twenty-fifth…
B: Right. And, what’s the twenty-fourth…Christmas Eve, right? So..
D: That’s two
B: That’s two. And, then what’s after that? (pause) Boxing Day
D: Wrestling Day
B: Wrestl..get out!
D: Boxing Day, yeah, yeah.
B: That’s three. Then, what’s after that? Nothin’!
D: New Year’s!
B: Four and what’s…
D: New Year’s Eve?
B: That’s five. Where do ya get twelve?
D: Uh, there’s two Saturdays and Sundays in there; that’s four. So,that’s nine. And three other days which, I believe, are the “mystery” days.

With apologies to Bob and Doug McKenzie and, uh, whoever wrote the original lyrics, we now bring you The Twelve Days of Christmas, Ladies… style. You may notice a small bias, but I did try to select at least a few “gifts” my fellow Ladies would like.  So I guess sports = true love here. I can live with that.

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We’re This Many! The Ladies… Turn One.

One year ago, a group of female Deadspinners got together and built a website that would forever alter the sportswriting landscape. Some delusions of grandeur, but whatevs.

better-eggs.jpg

Artwork, as always, by the one, the only, the incomparable Lady J-Money, who credits our success to the quality of our ingredients.

When we last saw our heroines, we were raising glasses to six months of this contraption. Since then….where to start? We got out of the house a little, and brought a few friends along for the ride. We stirred up a couple hornets’ nests and got our knees dirty. We launched a blatant homerism lovefest and let lust rule our fantasy drafts. We went undercover with the Mets and the Mitchell Report and got inside with the Tigers. We turned back time and had ourselves a total eclipse of the heart. We pledged our hearts to the World Series, and just about killed ourselves trying to get there, and just about GOT ourselves killed once we were…but that all worked out just fine, didn’t it? We got down and dirty with the history of Rock and championed the little guys. We came heroically close to covering every single bowl game. We said fond farewells to a fine crop of college boys, and found new targets for next year.

And the snacks. Oh, TSW’s snacky goodness. The legendary Buffalo Chicken Dip. The homemade corn dogs. The 9-Layer Ranchero Dip, K2 of snack foods. Pork with more pork. The genesis of our quiche obsession. The other Ladies got into the act, to the tune of Pudding Shots, Beer Bread, Cheese Straws, and a variety of meats and cheeses.

We celebrated (properly) the apex of football season (and then some), and marked the turning of the sports season. We got our gamble on. We gave thanks, wished on our stockings, spread holiday cheer and strove to be better fans. We found humor in the worst of times and stood up for boobs everywhere. We rassled and clawed and even screwed each other.

After the jump, some poetic and prosaic reflections on our year together.

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Poetry Slam: Fuck Tiki Barber, Over And Over.

barber_frolic.jpgAfter a year of playing FanHouse Poetry slam, I’ve come to expect many things from AOL’s comment threads. Racism. Misogyny. Homophobia. Dallas Cowboys threadjacks. But I never dreamed they would one day spread their wings, fling themselves out of the nest, and begin to fashion their own poetry. Yet there they were, when I came running shortly after time expired in the Super Bowl to see what madness awaited. I have excerpted some modest examples for your pleasure:

He boosted the signal then he looped it he looped it
(oh he came from New England oh he hooped it he hooped it)
then got caught kinda STUPID

cheaters,cheaters, pumkin eaters, taped our signals and still couldnt beat us…..

Yea Baby, Yea Baby, Patriots lose, Patriots lose.
Colts, Colts, Colts, LOL, LOL, LOL, YES, YES, YES, !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Couldn’t you just burst from pride? (Or is that contempt?) They’re taking over. But what follows, I’m almost certain, is unintentional art. (Standard disclaimer: I did not make any of these up. Original spelling, grammar, and punctuation have been preserved. All [sic]s implied.)

I call it “Fuck Tiki Barber, Over and Over”.
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Hit & Run: Was there a football game on last night?

Bob Sanders of the Indianapolis Colts was named the NFL Defensive Player of the Year. It isn’t quite the MVP Award (we all know that the Dreamboat won that), but it’s still an honor for Sanders to be recognized for his defensive prowess.

Oh, who am I kidding? Does anyone actually care about this?


Don’t look so forlorn, buddy – Holly cares about ya! Continue reading

The Men of the Mitchell Report

Ladies…is proud to introduce the one and only 2008 Men of the Mitchell Report Calendar: All ‘roids, all year ’round. This morning, we invite you to join us for exclusive previews along with excerpts from our liveblog of yesterday’s circus.

Roll call! What are we drinking, Ladies?

[10:27] Andrea: yeah, I gotta get my wine. I have some X Y Zin, heh heh
[10:28] TheStarterWife: I have some coffee
[10:28] TheStarterWife: but am eying the booze in the bar
[10:28] Texas Gal: I’m drinking Abita Christmas Ale
[10:28] TheStarterWife: or the beer in my fridge
[10:28] Holly: I have…water and Emergen-C. Sigh.
[10:28] Texas Gal: Louisiana swamp water beer = yum

Without further ado…I give you…Mr. January. U-S-A!!

january1.jpg

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Stand By Your Man – Fantasy QB Results: Week 3

Apologies to all the Ladies this morning for my delay in posting this this week’s Fantasy Football results. I went to do the post last night, but WordPress was down for repairs and I ended up falling asleep to “My House Flip” before eventually making it to bed.

What a sleep it was though. I never ever – EVER – dream about making out with hot celebrities in my sleep. Ever. (Ok, maybe once, but I think it has been quite some time since it last happened.)

Last night? I dreamt that George Clooney was running a abs-fitness boot camp and that I was taking the class, only to have George work me harder than the other students. After the training session, we ended up kissing for a bit, and he looks at me and says, “Don’t you remember me?” This teasing goes back and forth a little bit, and then he acts all hurt that I don’t remember hooking-up with him at the premiere party after-party for The Rundown. (Note – George Clooney was not in The Rundown, nor did I go to that premiere.) Anyway, he walks me back to my car and we make plans for later that day, leaving me to call my friend Jeremy and figuring out how to explain to TSB how I made out Clooney in summer of 2003 because that was about the time we stopped seeing other people and made our whole deal exclusive. (By this point in the dream, Clooney was looking more like Billy Zane, but I could have cared less. Both hot.)

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Breaking: Mets Team Meeting Pics!


The Mets’ recent losing streak is taking a toll on D-Wright.  Can no one think of D-Wright?!

Enough is enough! My sources tell me that Willie Randolph called a team meeting after that dreadful game last night and really gave it to the Mets. My sources also provided photographs of what went down. They’re after the jump. Continue reading

“The Pet Rose of Football.”

FanHouse‘s whirlpool of news is an essential daily stop for a sports fan. Michael David Smith is a particular favorite of mine, and I followed his coverage of the Patriots’ scandal with interest. And because this is the internets, and because drama brings out the crazypants, it’s time once again for AOL Comment Thread Poetry Slam. (Previous episodes can be found here and here.)

belichick.jpg

As always, I swear, I did not make any of these up. Original spelling, grammar, and punctuation have been preserved. All [sic]s implied. Also, a couple of the stanzas rhyme, but that’s a total accident.

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EPL: Or as I like to call it, the Hottie Premier League

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Football is starting up once again over in England, and of course that means we have to review the hotties that abound back in the Mother Land.

So grab your Guinness, your fish and chips (yeah, I’ve never been to England, so I have no idea what else they eat), and your favorite EPL team’s kit, and join me after the jump. Continue reading

Two Homers Discuss…: Phillies at Mets, 6/7/07

As you’ve probably guessed by now, Ladies… Texas Gal and Clare are quite the Phillies Phans. Unfortunately, they’re separated by 750 miles and a change of time zones. How do they remedy this problem? For what we hope will be the first in a series of Two Homers Discuss… pieces, they fire up their IM programs of choice, chat away and save the results FOR YR LOLZ AND ENJOYMENTZ.

Texas Gal: I’M TIRED OF THESE MOTHER HUBBARD METS IN THIS MOTHER HUBBARD DIVISION
Clare: HI TEX IT’S CL
Clare: CLARE
Texas Gal: WHY DON’T THEY GROW THE FUDGE UP
Texas Gal: PARDON MY FRENCH
Clare: /CHORTLE
Texas Gal: THIS IS WH
Texas Gal: THIS IS WH
Texas Gal: THIS IS WHY I’M HOT

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The Hot Blogger Bracket: A Specter Rising

Holly trying to do math

Do you know how hard we have been working on this bracket?   Do you know all the sacrifices we’ve all made to get this done as fast as we can?

Texas Gal has cut down to one bottle of Makers Mark a day.  SA has had to stop posting on SCRUBSR’FOREVER.ORG.  Metschick is only listening to WFAN 15 hours a day instead of her normal 19. Clare is has switched from calling Aaron Rowand “Bacon Pants” to “Bac-o-bits”.  Andie only has time for 24 boyfriends.  Holly can only email/txt/call/Facebook/MySpace her friends on odd hours.   GordonShumway can only answer half of her Red Sox fans letters.   I gave my boyfriend $300 to go to Crazy Girls  so I can get some peace and  snuggle up with my old copy of “HTML for Dummies”.

But look at what we had to contend with.  Bust out your slide rules and let’s take a look at the Hot Blogger Bracket by the numbers…

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Hottie Hit and Run – Wednesday TSW goes off the rails

ducks.jpg

Congratulations to the Anaheim Ducks for making it to the Stanley Cup finals for the second time in the past four seasons with their 4-3 win over the Red Wings. Look at how manly and full all their playoff beards look, with the exception of goaltender Giguere’s baby face. They play the Ottawa Senators at home starting next Monday, May 28. Why the long wait? Champions on Ice is already booked in town this weekend.

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