Saturday Morning Hate Sex: The Hit Parade

And this’ll about do it for the 2007 season. (Was it good for you?) One day of conference championships and rivalry games, then that’s all, she wrote.

(Programming note: Five Ladies’ teams have wrapped their seasons. If you care to follow along with us, we’ll be glued to Tennessee vs. LSU on CBS at 4:00 Eastern, and Pitt vs. West Fuckin’ Virginia at 7:45 on ESPN.)

I know better than to try and wrap my head around the past three months. (I mean, my boys are about to play for the SEC Championship. The hell?) But there’ll be long months of analysis and head-scratching in the offseason, and we’ve still got games to play. So kick back, pour a drink, and enjoy a little afternoon delight with the finest of the season’s hate sex recipients…gentlemen we’d love to hit, in one fashion or another.

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Pink Locker Room

A couple of our Ladies got quite a scare this past weekend and the BCS is starting to…well…sort of shake out. Mizzou and West Virginia are looking poised to meet for the title, but they each have a game left and pesky little Ohio State is just waiting to swoop in like some crazed pageant runner-up should one of them stumble. There is also Georgia, ranked inexplicably at 4th despite having lost the SEC East to Tennessee. Huh. I have to say, in another month I may have to break out my buckskin Mountaineer costume because hell if I’m going to root for Mizzou (sorry, Tigers fans). Let’s check in with some Ladies’ action…

G-shumway: In the Battle of the Schools That Quite Possibly Have the Same Mascot, Wake Forest’s Demon Deacons defeated the Vanderbilt Commodores 31-17. Wake finishes the season 8-4, tying a school record for second most wins in a season (last year’s team set the mark with 11 victories, including the Dr. Pepper ACC Championship Brought to You In Part by Dr. & Mrs. Pepper) and almost guaranteeing an appearance in a bowl game, maybe even one that is televised. Wake RB Josh Adams ran for 111 yards and two touchdowns in the victory and my future first husband Riley Skinner (See me, Riley. See me.) threw two more TDs.

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Saturday Morning Hate Sex

I have a confession to make, for those of you who’ve stuck with this feature all this time. It’s been a source of much discussion, caused a couple of you gentlemen to inexplicably criticize my housekeeping, and it’s time to know the truth: That is not my bedroom, over there to your left. I Googled “unmade bed” the day I started this series and the rest is history. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused. (That said, I do love the sheets, and I’d kill a man for those shelves.)

Home stretch, girls. And what a ride. If there’s one comfort we can take into bowl season, it’s that the number of upsets and disasters is such that no one’s humiliation remains front page news for long.

(If there’s a second comfort, it’s that we get pretty faces and forearms of boys marginally too young for us to ogle before soldiering on the following week.)

Lean with me, rock with me, jump with me:

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Pink Locker Room

First thing’s first:  my apologies to Mizzou and Oklahoma State fans out there.  Last week I forgot that just because the Big Ten is done doesn’t mean other conferences are and (obviously, now) the Big 12 Championship Game still hasn’t been determined.  Ooops!  Congrats to Kansas on remaining undefeated and a big “yikes!” to Oregon and Oklahoma.  Now let’s see how the Ladies’ teams fared….

HollyTennessee 25, Vanderbilt 24.  Sing along if you know the words:  You’re killing me, Vols.  I was roundly taunted for fearing this game; and spent most of it feeling ill that my dread was completely justified. Saturday was Senior Day.  Erik Ainge‘s last run through the T into Neyland.  I’ve loved and cheered him since he was a freshman, and he deserved better than what he got this year…but a win is a win, particularly in a conference that could end up with eleven bowl-eligible teams, and he’s soldiered on through a mad carousel of receivers and a host of injuries (enjoy the closeup of his mangled throwing hand!).  You left nothing on the field, Erik, and I couldn’t be prouder.

Two more games for certain…and Ainge deserves three.  He gave his all for Tennessee.  Let’s get him to Atlanta, boys.  Oh, and as for yesterday?  To borrow from my good buddy TCG borrowing from me:  Happy trails, assholes.  You’re still Vandy.

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Saturday Morning Hate Sex

Not a bad week for us here at Ladies, all told. To review:

Rutgers rolling over Army in primetime. Iowa holding on for bowl eligibility. Tennessee putting serious hurt on Arkansas at home. Texas rolling through a shootout with Texas Tech.

Those two losses, though? Ouchtown, population: us, and we never saw it coming.

No one could’ve predicted Clemson would field a viable football team this year…least of all Wake Forest, playing like I-AA imitations of their former ACC Champion selves. Sorry, Cousin J-Money–at least you had the big WFV win for solace.

Same for SA and Michigan…unlike Clemson they’ve been sleepwalking all season, but who knew Wisconsin would pick Week 11 to start playing football? (But who’ll remember this if they beat Ohio State?)

Let’s send our two lovely Ladies on their way to bigger and better things this week with some eminently beddable boys from the opposite sideline:

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Hit & Run: WHAT THE HELL ON EARTH.

Is Mercury in retrograde? Have the stars knocked back a few too many cosmos (I am so sorry) at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe? I swear, I leave the internets alone for FIVE HOURS, and look at what happens:

Quack Attack, off the tracks: Oregon 24, Arizona 34. Dennis Dixon is out of commission and Oregon is out of the national title game. I wouldn’t call myself a Pac-10 homer by a long shot, but I’ve been watching a lot of Duck football this year, Dixon in particular, and whatever your allegiances, you can’t argue they’re a hell of a lot of fun to watch. That said: Losing the linchpin of your entire offense is one thing, but as far as I know Dennis didn’t maim any of his own teammates on the way off the field. A defensive collapse of this magnitude against Arizona is pretty much unforgivable, though not unexpected in the larger picture of CFB 2K7: Year of The Hell?.

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Oh, Dennis. Your Crazy Eyes only make you more alluring.

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Pink Locker Room

These last few weekends of football should prove to be pretty interesting.  I cannot wait to see what shakes out of the LSU-Oregon-Oklahoma-Kansas-West Virginia group.  I am particularly excited, barring something weird happening at either Iowa State or Texas Tech, to see the Big 12 Championship game between Kansas and Oklahoma.  Let’s check in with our favorites Ladies’ teams….

HollyTennessee 34, Arkansas 13.  This is only the second complete game the Vols have played this season (aided and abetted by an inexplicably abysmal game on both sides of the ball for the Razorbacks), but it couldn’t have come at a better time. Arkansas superstar and would-be Heisman frontrunner Darren McFadden was held to 117 yards.  Sounds like a lot until you remember he hung 321 on South Carolina last week. Our defense is back (for only the second time this season) to their smashmouth selves, and if we win out (far from certain with Kentucky and a spoiler-happy Vanderbilt team on the horizon), we’ll be punching tickets to the SEC Championship game. Continue reading