First off, the Ladies would like to extend thoughts and prayers to one of our baseball finds this year, Jarrod Saltalamacchia of the Texas Rangers. He has told the Rangers he will not be available to play winter ball because his wife Ashley is already having complications with the pregnancy of their second child. We hope everything turns out just fine for the Saltalamacchias. [That Must Be a Heckuva Last Name to Consider When Naming Your Children]
Love maybe blind to flaws and shortcomings, but after the Week 1 of the Ladies Fantasy Quarterback League, more of than a few of the Ladies might be wondering if they should lie to their main squeezes and say that they have to go to their grandmother’s house next Sunday while quietly sending their back-up hotties a few text-messages to see if they might be around for a booty call. You know. Just in case.
Did Not Play – Not sweaty
“Just a friend”
Matt Schaub 11.90
Overall team score
QB Winner – Holly and Peyton Manning
Overall Winner – Clare
In repeat of Super Bowl XLI, Colts’ hottie Peyton Manning had his way with the Bears’ Sexy Rexy who couldn’t find his way end zone against San Diego. Overall though, Team Speckhosen sports Terrell Owens, Plaxico Burress, Joseph Addai,Travis Henry, Antonio Gates, and Mike Vrabel. Which is to say, that girl Clare is stacked! Holly would have been better served if she played the homer card and started the Colts defense and their 20 points that were wasted on the bench, instead of the Dallas D which cost her a valuable point for being -1 at the end of the day.
How bad are the Raiders? Jon “Fuck Lion” Kitna was able to go for 289 yards, 3 TDs, give up 2 INTs, and still walk – Stray Cat Strut? – away with the win.
Texas Gal may have turned me on to Papyboo and his thousand-yard stares (I’m only human, y’all), but in my heart there’s only one baseball boyfriend: Rockies first baseman and good ol’ Tennessee boy Todd Helton, who just became the first player to hit 35 doubles in ten consecutive seasons.
More Rockies for you to tap (sorry) after the jump.
Any girl who says barfights are anything but a) hilarious or b) hilariously awesome is a) a liar, or b) not someone I want to be friends with. We’re not waving our hands and yelling “STOOOOOOPPIT BOYS” to affect the action; it’s kind of a war cry and mating call. We’re declaring that THAT IS OUR MAN OUT THERE BY GOD LOOK AT HIM GO. This is all by way of saying: Nothing gets me hot and bothered like a football rival getting his ass leveled.
I give you Rico McCoy, via preeminent Tennessee blog Rocky Top Talk. Is it hot in here, or is it just Jeremy Young’s jersey melted to his back?
Welcome to the Pink Locker Room, where the Ladies have tickle fights, eat lots of bacon and talk college football. In the midst of all the NFLy goodness, we still had a fun day of football on Saturday. Let’s check in with our Ladies’ teams…..
Metschick: WOO! RU won Friday night! It wasn’t a terribly pretty win, but I’ll take it. The Scarlet Knights scored 41, and the game was never really close, but seeing so many penalties was a little dismaying. I don’t want to imagine what a better team would do with all those mistakes. And dammit – I have to wait a week to see another game? (RU vs. Norfolk, 9/15/07) . Hottie Mike Teel pictured below:
Last week Holly’s Vawls, SA’s Wolverines, and J-Money’s Demon Deacons were dealt body blows by Cal, Appalachian State, and Boston College. But that’s yesterday’s news. Let us move on, brothers and sisters. Let us celebrate week two of the season, beginning in just a few hours. Let us heal. And what heals like a little morning hate sex? Nothing, that’s what.
Join us after the jump for a little “Hail to the Victors”, if you know what I mean.
The quarterback. The team leader. The play maker. The American symbol of all that is intelligent, strong, and virile. And as such, the quarterback is the ultimate fantasy position for the Ladies.
We thought we’d mix up the usual fantasy football draft this year and select just the hottest quarterbacks in the league. QB’s we can cheer for all season, not based on what they do for our team stats, but what they do to stir our passions both on and off the field.
Oh sure, we will have the rest of the team to think about too, but we are only really concerned with our football boyfriends. Our boys will play head-to-head in a two-division league, 14 week season with a three week playoff. Each Lady will select her main squeeze and the man she keeps on the side.
Serpentine draft order: Texas Gal, TheStarterWife, Andrea, Clare, Metschick, Holly, GordonShumway, and SA.
Texas Gal – On the clock –
Blood season begins in earnest tonight. Last weekend was glorious, but without a lazy NFL Sunday of lolling and snacking to follow Saturday’s CFB whirlwind, it’s just not the same. In a few hours, the WORLD CHAMPION Indianapolis Colts welcome the New Orleans Saints to the RCA.
For me, this means four hours of screaming my lungs to shreds and basking in the reflected glory of one Mister Peyton Manning (time to reference that disclaimer again, I suppose). For the rest of you, well, this is Ladies, and I know why you’re here. It’s a marquee night; let’s have a look at some marquee manflesh:
I was thrilled to my orange-painted toes to learn my beloved Vawls were playing Cal for their season opener. Since they had come all the way to the west coast (like they were coming just to see me!), I thought the least I could do was make the trip up to Berkeley to meet them.
COLLEGE FOOTBALL IS HERE! Welcome to a new weekly feature here at Ladies: thoughts on our homer teams from the previous weekend. We’ve got 8 Ladies and 8 colleges, though that is because G-shum wants two and TSW just putters around the Ladies Batcave muttering about Yinzers and some Lawrence Fishburn-lookalike. Lots of great college football this past weekend, so let’s check in with all the Ladies after their teams’ first fall outings….. Continue reading
Any girl who says barfights are anything but a) hilarious or b) hilariously awesome is a) a liar, or b) not someone I want to be friends with. We’re not waving our hands and yelling “STOOOOOOPPIT BOYS” to affect the action; it’s kind of a war cry and mating call. We’re declaring that THAT IS OUR MAN OUT THERE BY GOD LOOK AT HIM GO. This is all by way of saying: Nothing gets me hot and bothered like a football rival getting his ass leveled. Expect a lot of material about jacked-up guys in tight pants getting (sorry) jacked up once the season really gets underway. To whet your appetite, here’s the greatest hits of seasons past, via the incomparable (and handsome!) Sunday Morning Quarterback:
I have a kind of tunnel vision when it comes to sports, and I wear it proudly. I have mountains to fling myself down in the spring and tennis to occupy me in the summer, but there’s nothing gets my blood going like the divine brutality that is football season. (What? Our god is a vengeful one. Look it up.)
During the offseason I spent an inordinate amount of time composing lists of ways to make baseball more compelling (“Article I: Infielders can tackle baserunners. Article II: But that’s fine and dandy, since the baserunners can take their bats with them.”), but not even Bacon Pants could ease the pain of the waiting game for me. Maybe if he’d taken a swing at the catcher’s dome.
So welcome back, fall. Welcome back, sunburn and frostbite and concussion hits. Welcome back, tailgating and GameDay and Coach O. Welcome back, blood season. Welcome back, football.
And, because this is Ladies…, after all, in honor of tonight’s SEC kickoff, look after the jump for some current and former LSU hotties in those tight yellow pants we so adore. Oh, and there’s a tiger. Rrrrrowwwr.
That’s right. The Ladies… are the Deadspin guest editors this weekend.
You’re welcome to join us. Just look with your eyes, not with your hands.
Friends, we can hardly believe it ourselves:
Ladies… celebrates its six month anniversary today.
(Artwork, as ever, courtesy of our incomparable Lady J-Money)
And what a ride. We’ve traveled into enemy territory, back to our alma maters, cross country to spring training, back home for Opening Day, seen legendary parks up close and raced to the bottom of too many pint glasses.
If you’re feeling indulgent (and who wouldn’t, after that cupcake?), join us after the jump for a highlight reel:
To their surprise, the boys over at It’s Still Football recently found themselves holding press passes for the Arena Bowl. To our surprise, TC and Joe agreed to photograph the prettiest players for our viewing enjoyment. Take it away, guys…
Brett Deitz has already been mentioned as a possible Ladies… favorite [despite his wonky eye seen here...--ed.]. He’s the co-ROY, plays for Tampa Bay, and he brought Tampa Bay from a shitty team to a playoff contender.
Rocking the Plate started out as a little lark of a post, just something we threw up for our own entertainment, and gave way to one of our most memorable comment threads. Summer being the time for reruns, we’ve posted the best of those propositions after the jump, along with responses we received from the blogosphere’s finest.
Dear Dodger Fandom:
I live among you now, and in an effort to assimilate myself and learn your ways, I tagged along to one of your base-ball games last week.
I was hoping things would be different, Dodger Fandom. I really want us to be friends. The problem is that most of you were dressed like this:
Chelsea and Armani…two great tastes that taste great together:
The team will be equipped with a single-breasted, two-button navy blue crease resistant lightweight wool gabardine suit, with flat-front, straight-legged trousers and a fitted jacket with pronounced ‘Roman’ shoulder line.
These will be worn with pale blue cotton shirts from the Armani Napoli range.
Players will also get a new club tie, a navy blue polo shirt which can be worn as an alternative to shirt and tie, a dark brown mock croc belt and brown suede half boots.
What does this mean to the sporting world? Not a whole lot. To us, however, this development is of crucial importance for one reason: An excuse to post a shot of a bunch of hot athletes in suits.
(HT to our darling kleph for the story, and additional article with a bunch of Spanish words and a naked dude holding a soccer ball.)
On any given day, we send each other between 50 and 200 emails. (70% sports, 15% website chatter, 7% pillow fighting and baby oil discussion, 4% on how our lives are going, 4% on how much we hate other blogs that shall remain nameless.)
So in the spirit of the CHEEZE DOODLE BACON PANTS post, here is the thread that took place this week in response to Chris Mottram’s post on Mr. Irrelevant about dating women who like the NFL. The conversation runs from dating guys who didn’t like sports, bar fights, holding your tongue as not to show up your sweetie in front of his crew, and eventually to my new favorite word, “douchesnozzle”.
Leading up to this point, we had been talking about Metschick’s new boyfriend… Continue reading
As the trade deadline nears, the Ladies… are forced to contemplate that tough question that crops up this time each year: what will happen to all the hotties?
So we’re stepping into the shoes of Theo Epstein for the day (naturally, since he’s the hottest GM in the major leagues), and assigning a market value to the hottest ballplayers rumored to be up on the block– based solely on just how smokin’ they are. A cadre of the Ladies… (five to be exact, enough to fill a front office for an All-Hot Team) put the candidates through a rigorous evaluation process, and submitted their valuations- in dollar signs- of the hottest possibilities. After some difficult and lengthy calculations, we’re sharing our scouting report ranking their hottie value.
It’s a hot, hot market out there, and we’re not afraid to spend a pretty penny on a pretty boy. But just how much are each of these ballplayers worth?
I made my first trip down to glorious San Diego with some girlfriends over Memorial Day weekend. Nice place y’all got here. Imagine my pouting, though, when I was informed I had to spend Saturday night at something called a base-ball game.
I was digging in my heels and pouting something fierce, but I have to tell you, once I got a few pints in me and laid eyes on this fellow right here, all was forgiven:
You’re standing in the on-deck circle, taking a few practice cuts and watching your teammate at the plate out of the corner of your eye.
Inhale. Grip tightens. Exhale.
36,000 of your closest friends are on hand to watch. Couple million more at home. And you haven’t made the highlight reel all week.
And there it is – that perfect song is blaring out over the loudspeakers.
Now you’re ready to do battle.
Let’s imagine for a moment that all of the Ladies… are major league baseball players. Yes, I know this would present a difficult quandary regarding whether we would ogle our own asses, forearms and eyeblack on this site (maybe we could spin off a “Gentlemen…” blog?). But the more important question is: What song would each of the Ladies… use as her at-bat music?
This is not a simple question- picking just one track to use as your theme music every single time you step up to the plate is tough. Do you go Classic Rock? Hip-Hop? Metal? I’m sure there are some pretty rockin’ hillbilly beats from Tennessee that Holly could use. (Holly’s note: Oh, you want hillbilly beats? I got your hillbilly beats RIGHT DAMN HERE.)
After some solo deliberation (using whatever criteria she chose), each Lady… submitted to me the piece of music that should play over the P.A. speakers when she stepped out of the on-deck circle and into the batter’s box. The other Ladies… haven’t even seen these yet. Take a gander at the lineup after the jump – and try and tell me this wouldn’t be an intimidating bunch to square off against at the plate.
“I’d be honored if I were Ladies… endorsed. That’s the gold seal of approval these days.”
Deadspin commenter, musician and all-around funny guy TattooedMess(iah) is our choice for Becksiest Man Alive. TattooedMess is a 19 year-old hunk of burning love hailing from the great state of Florida. His ultimate goal is to be a recording artist and to own his own record label. He has a great blog going on and he also writes his own music. Here at Ladies, we appreciate a good sense of humor, ambition, and nicely defined V muscles, so we’d like to endorse him in the Deadspin Becksiest Man Alive Contest. Continue reading
What’s more fun than a meaningless Home Run Derby that drags on for 3 hours, broadcast by a Baker-Berman tagteam (and assisted by Kenny Mayne… in a kayak), chockfull of 1,000 player’s kids plus lameass interviews of both Bonds AND ARod? That same Home Run Derby… when liveblogged by the Ladies…!
Ryan Howard doesn’t have time for ballcaps- he’s got HRs to hit!
Each of the Ladies… claimed one of the 8 Derby participants for her very own– and then we all gathered together to revel in the inanity, discuss the intricacies of the hot butts on display, and make fun of ARod. Play along with us after the jump…
Another year, another Wimbledon, another two straight weeks of staring at the calves and forearms of men we’ve never heard of.
I grew up in one of those houses where complaints of a headache were met with “Here, sugar, have half a Xanax.” As you might imagine, we watched a lot of tennis. My mother’s touring Europe this summer, and is making me teach her German phrases to employ in case she encounters Boris Becker poolside somewhere on The Continent. Now, I love my mother, but we have what you’d charitably call a Complicated Relationship, so understand that when she turns out to have asked her idol to remove the axe from her head when she thought she was asking to buy him a drink, I misled her out of love. And spite. But mostly love.
Happy Mothers’ Day, Momma.
Bracket season has come and gone. The draft was ten years ago in internets time. What’s a number-crunching sports fan to do?
Never fear. The Ladies… proudly present: The 2007 Hot Blogger Bracket!
How This Will Work:
1. You have to be a guy. (Sorry, girls; for objectification of the fairer sex we direct you to the majority of our compatriots in the sidebar.)
2. You have to run or contribute substantially to a sports blog. (Exactly what constitutes “substantial” will be determined on a case-by-case basis by the Ladies…, and not open to appeals.)
3. You will submit one (1) recent photo, of you, in focus, that gives a good look at your face and any other assets you wish to emphasize, and one (1) link to a post you feel best represents your superiority as a writer.
4. The Ladies… will spend what’s sure to be a delightful few days judging your sweet asses, and come up with a field, the size of which will be a multiple of four and determined by the quantity and quality of entries.
5. We’ll post our choices in bracket form, and here’s where the real fun begins. Voting for each round will take a couple days. Cheating, shenanigans, and ballot-stuffing are encouraged, especially if they’re undertaken in a blatant and hilarious manner. We remind all entrants that we are susceptible to flattery.
6. Repeat as needed until the champion emerges, to be showered with florid prose (by us) and mocked roundly (by the losers) until next year. Given proper incentive, we may even scare up a couple prizes.
And that’s it. Please direct all submissions to email@example.com. You have until 11:59 PM PDT, Friday, May 11.
*(subject to change without notice at our whim. girls are fickle. affirmed.)
Thank Football Jesus (there’s a separate one for football), IT’S HERE.
As Draft Day dawns in America (be sure to check the actual picks against our wildly inaccurate but funnier ones over at Awful Announcing’s mock draft), the Ladies… would like to take this moment to kick back and fantasize about whom we’d like to see roaming our sidelines next season. (Of our teams. We meant the sidelines of our teams. Like, on the field where they play football. Naughty.) Join us, won’t you?
|Indianapolis Colts – Holly
Dallas Cowboys – Texas Gal
Pittsburgh Steelers – TheStarterWife
New York Jets – Metschick
Philadelphia Eagles – Clare
Carolina Panthers – SA
Chicago Bears – Lady Andrea
St. Louis Rams – J-Money
Thanks to everyone who came out today to watch the carnage unfold at Kissing Suzy Kolber. Thanks also to our mostly gracious hosts, who, it can truly be said, took their defeat like men. We’re particularly obliged to Monday Morning Punter for his part in the plotting of this whole ordeal, and most especially to flubby, who maintained uncanny patience today when dealing with Holly and her incompatible stylesheet-manglings. Boys, you truly put the bop in the bop-shoo-bop-shoo-bop…or, should we say, the ram in the rama-lama-ding-dong?
For our part, it’s been a blast. Hope y’all enjoyed the show as much as we loved putting it on.
Just another Wednesday? I don’t think so- not when the Ladies… tag team to bring you an onslaught of hotties. In celebration of… not much of anything, just because we can- we bring you the finest buffet of hotties known to womankind. Mankind, too, for that matter. Wanna know who each of the Ladies… consider to be the hottest man alive? Now you know. TGIW, y’all.
Holly: What’s a day at Ladies… without hate sex?