Saturday Morning Hate Sex

Last week saw the rarest of Saturdays for college football in 2007: A day where half the top ten wasn’t unceremoniously disassembled by less-than-deserving squads. The weekend was not without nail-biting, however, as two Ladies’ teams played games into overtime (Tennessee and Iowa), two won by merely a field goal against teams they should’ve put away handily (Tennessee and Texas), and two suffered devastating losses (Pitt because they were So!Close!; Rutgers because it was never close, At All).

We spent so much of the summer in giddy anticipation of the season, only to be knocked on our collective asses week in and week out by the madcappery of upset after upset after upset…and now, with the closing of the year on the horizon, you know you’d do it all over again. And by “do it”, I mean “bed gentlemen of the opposing team to banish the sting of defeat”. Let’s hit it.

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Friday Football Foodie: Cheese Straws, Apple Joujous, & 3 Musketeers Mint Minis

Two of the things I miss the most about living in the South are Volunteer football and my hetero lifemate Livia. This weekend also happens to be University of Tennessee Homecoming, so I’m here with a little of both–her recipe for cheese straws, and the family formula for apple joujous, staple of the finest tailgates.

Things You Will Need:

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Pink Locker Room

Another week, another apocalypse.  Welcome to college football 2007.

 Let’s get right to it, shall we?  Take it away, Metsy:

How stupid am I, expecting RU to beat WVU?  Did I not remember that WVU had taken the last 12 matchups?  And that they’ve outscored us 1000-5. It certainly feels that way.  The final score was 31 – 3.  It was the first game where Rutgers was really handed its ass.  We were simply beaten by the class of the Big East, West Fuckin’ Virginia.

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Saturday Morning Hate Sex

THAT’ll teach me to play nice. The Scarlet Knights, Panthers, Longhorns, Demon Deacons, and Wolverines all benefited from a little TLC…but serial heartbreakers the Hawkeyes and Volunteers are bound and determined to drive Andie and me to drink. (To more drink. Yes, that’s saying a lot.) If there’s one upside, it’s this: It’s 2007, and so far this season, both Iowa and Tennessee have avoided being the jaw-dropping SportsCenter-leadoff Crushing Defeat Of The Century Of The Week. There’s enough ridiculosity to ensure we’re not the story. Does that lessen the pain of my trip to Tuscaloosa last week? It does not, but I comfort myself with the knowledge that it could be so much worse…and with the pretty boys all in a row, after the jump. Continue reading

Stand By Your Man – Week 7

Is there anyone more crushing to Fantasy Football owners than Tom Brady? (That is, unless you drafted Tom Brady?) His 188.10 total points for the season smoke second place Tony Romo (150.46) in the league.

Let’s just take a moment to acknowledge what geniuses we are by not drafting Brady Quinn in our all-hottie league. Not only is he still riding the pine, but the Browns starter Derek Anderson is in third with his 120.84 points. And, QUITE FRANKLY, he’s hotter than Brady in my book. More rugged. More manly. Poised even. Continue reading

Pink Locker Room

Howdy everyone. I’m filling in for Lady A this week. Something about breaking team rules or whatnot. All I know is that as the backup, I’m just being asked to not lose the game. Or whatever the blogging equivalent is.

After a kickass week of none of our teams losing, fate was not with us this past Saturday. Maybe some of our teams didn’t get the memo of what can happen when you don’t lose. Oh well. There’s always next week, right?

Lady Andrea: I tried to ride my “streak” by not watching Iowa or wearing any Iowa gear today. Clearly, that did not work because Purdue took us out behind the woodshed to the tune of 31-6. I got a text message from a friend of mine who goes to Purdue that said, “Your QB is laughably bad.” Here he is, possibly about to fall down. Sigh. At least the World Series starts soon.

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Saturday Morning Hate Sex: Kiss and Make Up

Last week, on SMS: I look forward to the day when no Saturday Morning Hate Sex post will be necessary. When every Lady’s team finds themselves on the shiny happy end of the scoreboard…

Last week, on the field: Tennessee, Texas, Wake Forest, Michigan, Rutgers, and Iowa, victors all. [Pause while I stare in wonderment at my own hands and wish very, very hard for a pony.] So this morning, let’s leave the handcuffs in the bottom drawer. No frustrations to grind out, just the sweet memory of triumph and the fervent hope for another win.

No, I’d like to use this morning for makeup sex. My boys came through for me last week in a big way, and one in particular is finally reminding me why I loved him in the first place.

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Adrian Peterson: More Than Cheekbones

ap_1.jpg From the moment he donned that purple cap on draft day, Adrian Peterson was anointed (and from the looks of this shot, dipped in wax) as a key player in the future of the Vikings gameplan. And while he appears quite capable of carrying the team on his back (particularly after this weekend), Minnesota brass seem content to split his playing time with Chester Taylor. Are there still doubts about the solidity of his previously injured collarbone? Are they giving the rookie more time to assimilate the schemes? Or just taking it easy on their brand new toy? Whatever the reason, it may be falling by the wayside. Hard to miss AP this weekend, but just in case your memory’s fuzzy, he was the guy barreling down the field with Chicago defenders flopping behind him like tin cans tied to a car bumper. Twenty carries, 224 yards, three touchdowns, on the way to a 34-31 win over the Bears. Here’s hoping Chester Taylor rides the pine next week, as a red-blooded woman and a football fan…Peterson’s a hell of a lot of fun to watch on the field, and ain’t bad on the eyes, either.

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Week 6 – Shaking up the Stand By Your Man Posts. Again.

TSW - Hey Holly and SA – Did you see this headline yet?
*wonders what the sound of two exploding heads is like*

Holly – HISSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

In all seriousness: No surprise this year, really, with all the new receivers the Pats acquired and the resurgence of the Colts’ running game. They’re basically running our 2005 offense, the premise of which is: Of the eleven guys on the field, be able to throw to about eight of them. Should be a lot of fun to watch.

And yes, it’s nice for Tom to finally reach Peyton’s level. A lofty aspiration for a Wolverine–I’m happy for him! ;)

SA – OH. NO. YOU. DIDN’T.

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LT: Too Fly.

ltfly.jpgIt’s no secret that LaDainian Tomlinson has rocket feet, but when I saw him basically launch himself seven feet in the air from the four yard line yesterday for a score, I had to grope around on the floor for my jaw. You can see the play in this highlight reel (it’s the second play; I haven’t seen this hit the YouTubes yet but if anyone’s got an embeddable copy do let me know).

The rest of his day wasn’t too bad either, as he carried the Chargers to a 28-14 beat of the Raiders. LT racked up nearly 200 yards on 24 carries, and accounted for all four of San Diego’s TDs. He’s already tied for 4th on the all-time rushing touchdowns list (he started the day in 6th)…at age 28.

Oh, and I’m digging the hell out of the new jerseys. These will be worn twice a year, and were donned for the first time yesterday in honor of Alumni Week–the higher saturated blue pops beautifully in HD:

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Pink Locker Room

Coming off a fairly disappointing week where most of the Ladies’ teams lost, the Football Gods have smiled upon us. We had an excellent week. Woo and hoo!

Metschick: Don’t have much to say on this game other than it was a game RU had to win. Esp. since I’ve had the RU/USF game circled in red for the last four weeks. It’s good to see that RU didn’t overlook the Orange (like Louisville did) and took care of business. Now, their next opponent is the new #2 team in the country, USF. I’m kinda hoping for Pandemonium in Piscataway, Part 2 – but it’s going to be tough. Pictured: Schiano. YAY!

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Saturday Morning Hate Sex

I look forward to the day when no Saturday Morning Hate Sex post will be necessary. When every Lady’s team finds themselves on the shiny happy end of the scoreboard, and no one’s star quarterback weeps. On ESPN. In primetime. In HD. (Attention, Mister Tebow: I, too, hit the waterworks when the battle goes ill for my boys. I am, however, A Girl, and not a Division I blue-chipper. Take it like a man:  Bottle up your emotions until you snap years down the road in a series of unrelated incidents.)

*ahem*

Where was I? Right. In an orderly, usual season, we might have seen that day already. A day when the Ladies can kick back with a cocktail, bask in the glow of victory, and never once have to hiss, “Catch the GODDAMN BALL” at their television screens. But this is no kind of normal season, and it’s not even halfway over, and already we’re all carrying scars.

But no matter who prevails, we’re still coming out on top. Let’s get our healing on, after the jump.

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For Whom The Babe Roots: ALCS

baseball.gifStep right up and strap on your fighting shoes. The other half of the Ladies will now argue for the men of the diamond who’ve captured their collective American League-loving hearts. The incomparable SA pleads for the Indians, with J-Money and Texas Gal wrapping things up with the case for the Red Sox. [Note: Trusty editor Holly, a near lifelong loather of all things base-ball, has been recently converted to the Red Sox; however, not knowing what a walk-off homer is and frankly being a little skittish in this big new pond she's splashing around in, she has recused herself from the discussion.]

Batter up! Take it away, SA.

I feel a little bad for the Cleveland Indians. Despite having tied for the best record in the American League, people (*Ahem ESPN*) still treats them as the second cousin once removed. Many picked the Yankees over them in the ALDS and I would venture a guess in those same people picking the Red Sox over them in the ALCS. Which means they need all the people on their bandwagon they can get. Here are 10 reasons why you should root for the Indians.

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For Whom The Babe Roots: NLCS

A phenomenon known as “base-ball” has been making headlines around these parts since the inception of the site. The alleged “National League Championship Series” is upon us…time to pick a side or go home. In the red corner: TheStarterWife and Clare, freestylin’ for the Diamondbacks. In the purple corner: Lady Andrea, Metschick, and surprise special guest star tap the Rockies, if you know what I mean. (Don’t feel bad. There is no force in the universe that could have stopped me from making that joke.)

Leading off, the lovely TSW, with her plea for the boys of Arizona:

Why does Stephen Drew smile, other than the fact he is the talented Drew brother? Fucking hit .500 against the Cubbies with two homes and four RBIs, that’s why.

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Stand By Your Man – Fantasy QB Results: Week 5

Week 5. Really. It is already Week 5. One-third of the regular season is done and gone.

Tom Brady remains the only undefeated QB (surprisingly in head to head QB match-ups Peyton Manning is 2-3 in this league), and Clare’s Speckhosen finally come back to earth with a loss this weekend leaving her tied with SA and myself at 4-1.

This weekend also saw GordonShumway’s Jake Delhomme go out for the season, so she might want to consider sending her third stringer Jay Cutler a few casual, “How’ve you been” emails while Drew Brees proves to be the flakiest date of the season.

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Pink Locker Room

I feel like this week it should be the Orange Locker Room, since Holly’s Volunteers so thoroughly kicked Georgia’s ass. Thank god for small favors, like USC’s upset and Notre Dame finally getting a win, which caused most of the campus to play in a giant fountain and the reflecting pool by TD Jesus. That was actually pretty fun. I can take a wee bit of solace in those things because I sure as hell am not finding any in Iowa. Let’s see how the other Ladies are feeling…..

Metschick: Well, I guess Rutgers has shown that they are what we thought they were – a mediocre team that had been feasting on cupcakes. Now they’ve lost two in a row, including their Big East opener, although losing to the Bearcats isn’t a horrible thing. They’re a very good team, but I still wish Rutgers had won.

And this is why I didn’t want to invest further in college football. I’m already a Mets fan – I don’t think I can handle the additional heartache of another team. I honestly wasn’t expecting an undefeated season. But after the criticism of the soft early schedule, RU is really looking subpar when facing real competition. Oh, and I wish we had a bionic quarterback like Ben Mauk instead of Mike Teel. Does he understand that he’s supposed to throw to the guys in scarlet? Because none of the Knights deserve it, and because I couldn’t find a good picture of Haruki Nakamura, here’s Ben Mauk:

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Sunday Supplication

Dear Football Jesus (there’s a separate one for football),

Kind of a rough week. Do you read the Indy Star?

“Strong-side linebacker Rob Morris underwent surgery on Tuesday to repair a torn tendon in his left knee and will miss the remainder of the season. Among players held out of this afternoon’s practice were wide receiver Marvin Harrison (bruised left knee), safety Bob Sanders (bruised ribs), running back Joseph Addai (bruised shoulder) and tight end Ben Utecht (concussion).”

I know you’re busy, Football Jesus. It is Sunday, after all. But if you could find a minute to see my boys in blue safely back on the field? That’d be swell. And if not, well, I have a couple things I can try on my own. Morris is done for the season, but the other four? They still have a shot. They’re the good guys, every one, and they play the game with a joy you have to see to believe.

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Saturday Morning Hate Sex

Oh. Oh, last week sucked. (Hush your filthy mind; that’s after the jump.) Fifty percent of the Ladies saw their beloved college teams fall. Of course, we were in good company…everyone who’s anyone was on the losing end of the scoreboard. The top 25 is full of pretenders and upstarts. Chaos reigns, and I’m not just talking about my twisted sheets. I’ve been battling the nervous giggles of survivor’s guilt since Saturday night–my Vols had their usual bye date bumped up two weeks this year and I’m ridiculously grateful.

But it’s a new day. A new week. And if the college football gods are off their bender, a return to some semblance of order and right. Let’s take this morning to wipe the slate clean, and get down and dirty with our vanquishers. Join us, won’t you?

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Ladies University 1st Annual Screw Your Roommate Dance

October at Ladies U. Summer tans have all but faded away. The air is finally cold enough to pull favorite sweaters out of storage. Too late in the semester to drop Legends of the PGA without getting an “incomplete”.

And it time for the annual Screw Your Roommate Dance. As is tradition, each Lady selected her roommate’s date for dance. Pick someone too perfect and you miss the fun of watching the gal who keeps using your special lavender mint lotion ($36 a bottle! Buy your own bitch!) squirm. Choose someone too heinous and you’re apt to find your macroeconomics textbook being used as a bong in revenge.

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Stand By Your Man – Fantasy QB Results: Week 4

Short and sweet as we go into Week 4 of the Ladies “Stand by Your Man” hottie QB fantasy league. I’m exhausted from seeing my main squeeze play in person – more on this later in the week – and let’s face it; October is when all hell breaks loose in sports. Some of the craziest baseball in ages, (Rockies, Cubs, Phillies, and Diamondbacks? Who the hell had that in the pool?), hockey has dropped its first puck, and now that we are 1/4 through the regular season, the NFL story lines are in place. Favre’s record setting season. Peyton Manning and Tom Brady continue to walk on water. Romo is for real. Grossman rides the pine. And Philip Rivers is secretly txting Marty every time Norv turns his back. Continue reading

Saturday Morning Hate Sex

Can it be we’re a month into the season already? That’s a lot of ticks on the scoreboard. A lot of swigs from smuggled flasks. A lot of stolen kisses in the quad, and a lot of notches on our bedposts from our Saturday morning purge romps.

Most of the Ladies’ teams had good outings, but Andrea’s Iowa Hawkeyes fell in a tooth-and-nail slugfest to Wisconsin…and two weeks later, it’s time to move past Florida and the throttling they handed down to my Tennessee Vols. Get comfy, boys, I’ll want to be on top for this.

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Stand By Your Man – Fantasy QB Results: Week 3

Apologies to all the Ladies this morning for my delay in posting this this week’s Fantasy Football results. I went to do the post last night, but WordPress was down for repairs and I ended up falling asleep to “My House Flip” before eventually making it to bed.

What a sleep it was though. I never ever – EVER – dream about making out with hot celebrities in my sleep. Ever. (Ok, maybe once, but I think it has been quite some time since it last happened.)

Last night? I dreamt that George Clooney was running a abs-fitness boot camp and that I was taking the class, only to have George work me harder than the other students. After the training session, we ended up kissing for a bit, and he looks at me and says, “Don’t you remember me?” This teasing goes back and forth a little bit, and then he acts all hurt that I don’t remember hooking-up with him at the premiere party after-party for The Rundown. (Note – George Clooney was not in The Rundown, nor did I go to that premiere.) Anyway, he walks me back to my car and we make plans for later that day, leaving me to call my friend Jeremy and figuring out how to explain to TSB how I made out Clooney in summer of 2003 because that was about the time we stopped seeing other people and made our whole deal exclusive. (By this point in the dream, Clooney was looking more like Billy Zane, but I could have cared less. Both hot.)

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Pink Locker Room

We’re back with another week of great college football. There were some fun upsets and we can all laugh at how Notre Dame has started 0-4 for the first time in the history of everything. Hee hee.

Metschick: Rutgers had a bye this week, as it prepares itself for Saturday’s game against the Maryland Terps. So, with no Scarlet Knights game to watch, I turned my eye to another Big East game: Syracuse @ Louisville. Imagine my surprise at seeing Syracuse, an 0-3 team, beating the Cardinals – and even though the final score was 38-35, it wasn’t that close for most of the afternoon. At one point, the Orange led 38-21. Never mind that Brian Brohm had 555 yards, his defense let him down. (Ed.’s note: Iowa dropped 35 points on ‘Cuse and held them scoreless. I’m just sayin’)

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Hump Day Hottie: Brandon Stokley

You have only to look at my PEYTON MANNING IS A GOD THAT WALKS ON EARTH posts to know where my NFL loyalties lie, but on Sundays when it’s time to suit up, the royal blue jersey I’m rocking isn’t his. Or Marvin Harrison’s. Or Reggie Wayne’s, or Vinatiereireiri’s. It’s number 83, and the guy who used to wear it is a quiet, unassuming slot receiver named Brandon Stokley.

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Stand By Your Man – Fantasy QB Results: Week 2

Week 2 of the Stand By Your Man fantasy football league had two Ladies, (Andrea and Clare), already looking to their back-up boyfriends and featured hottie QBs that were going against each other in the Sunday Night Football game.

Metschick (De)Jesus’ Homies

vs

SA Woodson over Manning

Philip Rivers
11.76

Starting QB

Tom Brady
22.36

Alex Smith
4.94

Backup QB

Matt Hasselbeck
13.84

Eli Manning 13.44

“Just a friend”

Matt Leinart 14.56

113.06

Overall team score

221.56

Winning QB and Game winner – SA

Metschick - I hate you, Philip Rivers. Yeah, you played better this week, but you only got me 11 points, and the QB your team faced netted my opponent 22. Whatever, just get out of my sight.

SA - DREAMBOAT!!!! That’s all.

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Pink Locker Room

The tables have turned for the Ladies, some for the better and some….not so much. Metschick seems to be cruising along swimmingly and we all completely hate her and the Scarlet Knight she rode in on. (Just kidding, Metsy! Haha, don’t hurt me!) Follow me after the jump for contemplations, crying and cleavage….

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“The Pet Rose of Football.”

FanHouse‘s whirlpool of news is an essential daily stop for a sports fan. Michael David Smith is a particular favorite of mine, and I followed his coverage of the Patriots’ scandal with interest. And because this is the internets, and because drama brings out the crazypants, it’s time once again for AOL Comment Thread Poetry Slam. (Previous episodes can be found here and here.)

belichick.jpg

As always, I swear, I did not make any of these up. Original spelling, grammar, and punctuation have been preserved. All [sic]s implied. Also, a couple of the stanzas rhyme, but that’s a total accident.

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More Saturday Morning Hate Sex

Last week SA’s Wolverines and J-Money’s Demon Deacons were vanquished by Oregon and Nebraska.

But it’s a new week. A new slate of games. Time to conclude the healing process by vanquishing a few Ducks and Huskers of their own.

(Hey, Nike, all those Oregon uniforms you’re churning out? Any of them include tearaway pants? Because, um, it might help them break a few more tackles. Yup. That’s why. What?)

More hailing to the victors, after this.

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