Hump Day Hotties: You Make the Call

Christien Sage of Oklahoma State. One pick Cosmo got right. He kinda reminds me of Austin Nichols in this picture.

As a lazy lady lately (whoa, alliteration!), I’ve been a total slacker about scouting new hotties to show you dedicated readers. I’ve been very anti-sports watching lately (aside from my favorite teams), so I’m completely unaware of fresh meat. With the NCAA Tournament upon us, there is plenty of fresh meat awaiting our ogling eyes. There is always that hot college boy that makes you feel like a pervy old lady.

With that said, Cosmo has been busy covering the sports world again, compiling a list of NCAA hotties to watch. I’ll let you be the judge, but here’s my 2 cents.

The Ladies… on Losing

Photo: Elsa/Getty Images

With the notable exceptions of Maggie and Mr. Buffalita (a Giants fan), last weekend’s football games were not particularly fun for the Ladies. After experiencing a bar full of Saints fans taking a metaphorical knife to the gut, I found myself in a philosophical discussion with my boyfriend about what type of loss was worse, as a fan: a heartbreaking last minute loss like the Saints to the 49ers, or a thorough stomping such as the one the Broncos received from the Patriots? Some thoughts, including suggestions on how to soothe the wounded sports fan soul, after the jump.

Hit and Run: I’m too hot to come up with a theme

Hope Solo shall have none of your silly goal scoring nonsense. (Photo: Getty Images)

We hope you enjoyed your holiday weekend! I’m still unpacking and cleaning up gear from the Great Island Campout of 2011, in which I did not end up on Princess Kate Watch and did not get to celebrate Brad Richards signing with the Maple Leafs.

And tonight? It’s warm! Summer warm! Finally! Also building heat is Team USA, who defeated Columbia 3-0 yesterday in Women’s World Cup action in Germany. The win clinches them a spot in the quarter finals. They face Sweden tomorrow at 2:45 ET.

Back to hockey for a minute…

Inappropriate Fatheads

So I came up with this feature as a new twist to “Caption This!”  See, a coworker and I were looking at Fatheads for no apparent reason.  When you click on one, it will give suggestions for others.  Well this lovely LeBron James Fathead popped up as a suggestion.  We both thought it was sorta inappropriate.  It kind of looks like he’s thrusting his crotch in your face.  So then we thought of some other sports pictures that would make inappropriate/funny Fatheads.  And the idea was born.

Follow me after the jump to see some funny and highly inappropriate Fatheads. 

All you need to do to understand how good Jeff Francoeur is at baseball…

…is to look at this photo.

Yup. Write your own caption, darlings.

Fashion Police: AJ Burnett

So y’all know how much I love AJ Burnett. And you also probably noticed this yesterday. But even though his pitching was pretty damn good, I have a question for you: Did you see the shirt he was wearing in the postgame press conference?

Well, in case you didn’t — or in case you need a reminder — he wore this:

It’s just… I don’t even know. First of all, I can’t figure out whether it’s pink or orange. Second of all, it’s not even buttoned properly (not that I necessarily have a problem with that, but y’know). Third of all, it has rhinestones on it. And fourth of all, he’s wearing gaudy chain necklaces.

The whole thing just sort of screams “I lost a bet with Nick Swisher”, doesn’t it?

Write Your Own Caption: Red Sox Edition

Crane here, filling in for CuteSports. I apologize for the lateness of the hour, but hey, where I am, it’s technically still morning. This is what the Red Sox get for keeping the Blue Jays in third place over the weekend: You get to make fun of them!

Observe David Ortiz, who probably is reminding himself that the world is just illusion, trying to change him:

Pitching Mechanics 101

Constructing an efficient, injury-reducing pitching motion isn’t so much about figuring out what you’re doing right as about figuring out what you’re doing wrong. There are many, many ways to throw without putting undue stress on your arm, and there are many, many ways to throw in such a way that you’re likely to get injured. All credit to Driveline Mechanics for teaching me everything I know about this stuff.

Follow the jump to be overwhelmed by awesomeness.

Hump Day Hottie: Sidney Ponson

The Royals gave me a very happy St. Patrick’s Day by signing Sir Sidney Ponson (yes, Sir! He was knighted in his native Aruba). They were impressed with his showing for the Netherlands in the World Baseball Classic, and might now be putting him in the KC Opening Day rotation.Yes, please.

Grrr, baby!

LOTS more after the jump.

Hot Stove Hotties: Hamels, Markakis, bad MS Paint

Each week this Hot Stove season, we’ll look at some done deals and juicy rumors involving our favorite MLB hotties. This week was extra-hot.

One of the big stories this week was Cole Hamels. The only two-time Hump Day Hottie in the history of the world signed an extension with the Phillies for 3 years and 20.5 million Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers. And just look at that suit! Is that tie some sort of paisley, or is it…amoeba?

Phils fans get to keep him for three more years.

Hit and Run: Basketball breaks my heart, so I find solace in football…

I know how you feel, Roy. I know how you feel...

This has been a rough week for me as a sports fan. I have found myself in the odd position of having to defend my team, not only to others but to myself. I bitched all pre-season about how much I hated all the rankings. Too many expectations only means you crash harder when you inevitably slip from that lofty perch. I knew my team wouldn’t go undefeated; we didn’t last year and we are essentially the same team. But there is still nothing harder than watching the boys you love lose, and then LOSE AGAIN!!! (And then to watch that first team who beat you go on and lose to HARVARD. Harvard. I didn’t even know the Ivy’s had basketball!) There is also nothing worse than to kinda hate some of the members of your team. What was that Wayne Ellington? You thought you could go pro? How ’bout you jack up not one, not two, but THREE airballs?? That’s what they do in the pros, right? Or perhaps Ty Lawson. So called best point guard in all the land. Maybe you should have more points that turnovers in the first half. Sometimes that helps. Or maybe you should have atleast some ability to guard your man.  Is keeping him from scoring 30+ points unreasonable? Is that too much to ask? Thank the sweet baby Jesus for Danny Green. And Tyler Hansbrough’s first half effort. Ugh. I haven’t even watched Sportscenter this week because I can’t bear to hear all the shit they are saying. It makes me kind of sick.

I’m sure there are people revelling in my despair.

Let’s hear it for the Underdogs: Why we’re cheering for the Giants and Chargers this weekend.

Michael Cera in Superbad. Justin Long in Dodgeball. Seth Rogen in Knocked Up. We pull for these guys to get the girls, because who doesn’t love a little pluck and moxie in a man? After the jump, find out why Holly and J-Money have given their hearts to New York and San Diego for the duration of the playoffs.

Hit and Run: Friday Edition

Morning, kids! I hope you’re all taking advantage of National Bike to Work Day
to get some exercise, get some fresh air (check local listings), and to get tested for steroids as soon as you walk in the door. You can’t be too careful with those cyclists… that’s why I sometimes bump them with my car. Share the road, my ass.

On to the hotness…

Ladies’ favorite David Wright came in as a pinch-hitter and left with an RBI during the Met’s amazin’ 5-run ninth inning as they beat the Cubs 6-5. Chicago manager Lou Piniella was immediately wrapped in a blanket, shoved to the ground, and doused liberally with water to prevent him from combusting. Remember kids, only you can prevent forest fires.

The Mets enter this weekend’s Subway Series against the struggling Yankees, whose only recent highlight is catcher Jorge Posada’s 12-game hitting streak. To celebrate, his father Papa Mouskewitz gave him a new hat. And not just any new hat. A new hat that has been in the family for three generations. Don’t worry, Jorge. You’ll grow into it.

March Madness with the KSK Mafia: The calm before the takedown.

Once upon a time, we made a friendly little wager with the lads of KSK. We stumbled, sobbed incoherently, giggled hysterically, and bit our nails in a most unattractive manner for three weeks. In a juju Hail Mary, we even aligned our fortunes with Buckeye Nation.

And Basketball Jesus (there’s a separate one for basketball), in his infinite wisdom, bestowed victory on the worthier party.

And there was much rejoicing.

[I'm going to try my best to get through the rest of this post without referencing Bill Pullman's speech to the pilots in the American cinema classic Independence Day, but it is absolutely killing me. --Ed.]

Tomorrow is zero hour, where “zero” implies “vajayjay”. As agreed, the Ladies… will have the run of Kissing Suzy Kolber for one glorious day. A day of bunnies. A day of Bedazzlers. A day of kittens and puppies and rainbow sunsets and unicorns fucking in grassy fields. The KSK Mafia are doing their best to put on brave faces. Fear not, boyos. Our mission statement promises we don’t kiss nice, but we won’t leave any marks on your back that aren’t purely recreational.

Just a Reminder…

That this could theoretically happen if Florida loses tomorrow.

So. Um. Go Gators, I guess.