RosezzzZZZzzz Bowl Wrapup: Pete Carroll without end, amen.

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Choose the form of the destructor.

49-17?? This game shouldn’t have even happened. No one wins. Not the Grandaddy Bowl, which takes a massive PR hit. Not Rashard Mendenhall, a consistently entertaining watch whose 155-yard game was overshadowed by his team taking it in the mouth for four quarters. Not Desmond Reed, whose endzone gymnastics should have been encouraged, not penalized, in the name of giving us something interesting to look at. Certainly not the fans of the game (entertaining though it was to watch the Trojans rack up 633 yards of offense, we will now be treated to another offseason of their media darlinghood..and I say that as a fan of USC).

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What’s not to love?

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Who Knew Oranges Were So Sweet?

Kansas was the underdog. The underdog finally won a game. The Jayhawks beat Virginia Tech 24-21 in what turned out to be the best BCS bowl game so far. Who would have thought that? Todd Reasing had an okay game with 227 yards and a TD. And ZZ Top performed at halftime. As someone that was born when ZZ Top stopped being relevant (I’m assuming), good for them for still booking shows. Even if it is in a stadium that wasn’t full in the beginning of January. But this is about Kansas. As you guys know I love celebration pictures so that’s what you’re gonna get.

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The Allstate Ass-Whuppin’ Bowl

So ya know all that talk about how undefeated Hawaii hadn’t played anybody but maybe they’d beat Georgia and have a strong case against getting left out of the national championship game?  Yeah…(/Lumberg).

This game was U-G-L-Y.  Somewhere around Georgia’s 52nd touchdown, my mom and I turned it off and watched 3 episodes of the West Wing (including The Supremes, which is in my top 10 of the entire series even if it is in Season 5.  Glenn Close rules all and I find William Fichtner strangely attractive).  I was really hoping for some kind of Boise State Miracle, but instead tt felt vaguely like watching a big bully beat up a runty hippie kid for his lunch money. Continue reading

Independence Bowl Poetry Slam: A lot of tongue and no cheek.

shreveport.jpg I jumped to cover the Independence Bowl based on the wide margin of hate available. Nowhere else in the 2007 postseason is a team that’s been such a large part of my life (Colorado and the MAJESTIC BUFFALO) facing a team I so loathe (Alabama, and the presence of Saban in Tuscaloosa is only exacerbating things). The prospect of a lovely pink soapbox from which to broadcast my everlasting disdain for the Crimson Tide was a delicious one. I had planned to award these guys some sort of medal.

And then I read Spencer Hall’s Sporting News column on the matchup. And he took (seriously, seriously mild) shots at Shreveport. And the people of this fine metropolis rose up, pitchforks in hand, to write their Congressperson ululate about it on the internet, which fixes everything, and that’s about where the trouble started. As one commenter put it,

The Independence bowl was only singled out because if you say POULAN WEEDEATER BOWL out loud, it’s kinda funny. What is certain, though, is that people in Shreveport are passionately proud of their city and their culture, and they are just a bit touchy. A bit. Touchy….

As an added bonus, several clever trolls figured out how to make LARGE!RED!LETTERS! in their comment boxes. It was positively FanHousian. And it was time to bring back the Poetry Slam.

Standard disclaimer: I swear, I did not make any of these up. Original spelling, grammar, and punctuation have been preserved. All [sic]s implied.

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Alamo Bowl: There’s No Crying In Football

Your designated Big 10 representative for the evening (Lady Andrea) and the only Big XII representative around these parts (me) were both tasked with a difficult job: watch the Alamo Bowl. Doesn’t sound hard- except that every single other person in the country was watching the Patriots take on the Giants. But Lady A’s allegiance to the Big 10 and my hatred of the Aggies is so strong that we persevered.

Since I’m 99% sure no one else watched the Alamo Bowl- here’s our play-by-play of the important action. You will notice we did not make one single “Remember the Alamo!” pun.

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Champs Sports The Musical: Once More, With Feeling!

Michigan State and Boston College both tried their damnedest to lose this game. 7 turnovers in all, 5 by Michigan State. And yet, at the end, the Spartans had a real shot to win it. They kind of pissed it down their legs, though, with “tricky” plays like the QB running backwards for 12 yards on a 4th and inches instead of handing the ball to the damn fullback and punching it through. Big Ten Bowl record: 1-1. Sigh.

In part 2 of what is sure to become a regular series here at Ladies where I ogle barely-legal football players (seriously, these fellas are born in ’87 and ’88), I’d like to share with you the festivities from the Champs Sports Bowl Kickoff Luncheon. Following the Quiche Course, Spartan freshman linebacker Jon Misch played the piano. I don’t recognize the piece; I’m assuming it was written by some gentleman who wore a powdered wig at one time or another.

Horns’ Happy Hottie Holiday

Why, hello, Colt McCoy. Aren’t you looking all fine with that Offensive MVP trophy and those awesome Texas guns? I’m so glad to see you show up in San Diego at the Holiday Bowl without bringing along those friends of yours Mr. Int and Mr. Erception — you know, the ones that have been hanging around you all season. (Although I did notice that you couldn’t get rid of the other member of the Suck Trio, Mr. Fumble – but considering the scoreboard, I’ll forgive you.) You’re like our own Matt Saracen, all grown up – wide-eyed and full of small-town boyish charm. I am required by Texan law to lavish schmoopy praise on our QB- especially when his name is Colt McCoy, as clearly he was destined to lead us to victory with a name like that. (See? There I go again!)

Heck, now that I think of it, just about every member of the Longhorns team that stepped on the field last night looked pretty darned hot– winning will do that for you. Why don’t you all take a step forward so we can appreciate your hotness. NOT SO FAST, CHRIS JESSIE.

I’m pretty sure that you should never, ever, EVER step foot on the field of play again, unless you are specifically instructed to do so by a member of the coaching staff who is not your stepfather. I’m also pretty sure we need to outfit you with one of those child leash things, so that the coaches can yank you backwards like Phillip the Hyper Hypo if you try to run up and grab a live ball again.

Now that we’ve covered that unpleasantness, we can move on to all the pictures of hotties, after the jump…

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Revin’ My Motor At the Motor City Bowl

So, I’m suddenly very familiar with Dan LeFevour. Hello you. I’m sorry your second-half surge fell short and you lost to Purdue on a last-second field goal. But you still threw for almost 300 yards and had 4 touchdowns. And you’re hot. Here’s my tribute to Mr. LeFevour. Because I’ve got a fever and the only prescription is…more LeFevour.

The New Mexico Bowl, featuring…New Mexico.

I feel like the delivery boy in Big Daddy, except instead of screaming, “He get all da easy ones!” I’m screaming, “They get all da exciting ones!”  Seriously.  So far we’ve had a great Utah/Navy that came right down to the wire and last night BYU tips a game-winning field goal to hold on against UCLA.  Very exciting stuff.  The New Mexico Bowl?  Not so much.


Why do they put the logo over the skyline of Albuquerque?
That is so ugly!

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San Diego County Credit Union (at least it’s not .com) Poinsettia Bowl

poinsettiabowl.jpgNavy’s tricky triple option work was no match for the solid play of Utah tonight. The Midshipmen fell to Utah 35-32 in the inaugural bowl of 2007-08. The first half wasn’t much to look at (I honestly chose to watch this game solely because of the potential for Holtz on-air dementia fun), but aside from this being the beginning of the end of life-giving games to sustain us through the winter (and spring…and summer….*gulp*), it’s not a good time to turn your back to the screen. I spent most the fourth quarter packing for Christmas break and missed four touchdowns.

A good six minutes of the halftime show was devoted to an “eye on the street” feature that they kept cutting back to, asking random middies to pronounce the name of their new head coach, Ken Niumatalolo. Results were predictably disacouraging, but seriously, gentlemen: Say Navy QB Kaipo-Noa Kaheaku-Enhada’s name correctly twice in a row before you commence to too much snickering.

Wire photos of gridiron boys in mildly compromising clinches, after the jump. Welcome to the postseason, ducklings.

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Hump Day Hottie: Mr. Heisman

Picking the hottest Heisman finalist from the field of official photos this year was an easy task- the hottie favorite Colt Brennan disqualifies himself by sporting a wicked bad haircut (and looking like that doofy receptionist guy from Private Practice), Chase Daniel manages to look like an unemployed hobo and/or psycho shop teacher, and Tim Tebow could be a member of the Geek Squad from your local Best Buy. Darren McFadden reigns supreme and wins the official photo battle in a walk.

But Tim Tebow emerged victorious from the Downtown Athletic Club on Saturday, claiming the actual Heisman hardware – which, oddly enough, was not awarded based on how hot he looked in his official press photo. So I’m calling uncle, Mr. Tebow. You won the Heisman fair and square (and were the first underclassman to ever win the award), and so I’m finally giving you your very own HDH post. Even though you play for the hated Florida Gators, I must grudgingly acknowledge that you’ve got gorgeous baby blues and a body that just won’t quit. And when you add in the Heisman hardware (whether I thought you deserved it or not), that’s one mighty appealing package. I might even be able to overlook the Florida colors- as long as you promise not to do that stupid Gator chomp thing with your arms.

Just please, please quit taking hair styling tips from Urban Meyer, OK? Less gel and spikes, more natural tousle.

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Hottie Hit n Run: Heisman Edition

The 4 Heisman candidates were announced last night, so I thought we’d take a gander at the nominees. These four fine strapping young lads will travel to New York City on Saturday for the ceremony, though most people seem to think it is a foregone conclusion that the winner will be a certain Gator (booooo). I am grudgingly inclined to agree, now that Dennis Dixon is not a contender. (He coulda been a contender!) Anyway, I now present the Heisman Finalists for 2007. They can be our Heis Men. Rise Men. Size Men. Lies [down next to us] Men. (I know, it’s a stretch.)

Colt Brennan


This one’s for you, Metsy.
Also, has LaRussa been teaching him tricks?

Colt has taken the Rainbow Warriors to the only perfect season in Bowl Subdivision football. Hawaii is on their way to their first-ever BCS bowl, as they meet up with Georgia in the Sugar Bowl on New Year’s Day. This season Colt passed for 4,174 yards and 38 touchdowns. He also set the all-time touchdown passes record of 131. Continue reading

Pink Locker Room

What a PERFECT ending to the craziest college football season I can remember. The best comment I saw right when the game ended was “You just got WANNSTACHED!” Heh. I think I’ll let Clare do the talking on this one:

Clare: [jumps around living room like an autistic child] WoooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo! Light the golden lamps of victory! What? Pitt went 5-7 on the season? And 3-4 in the Big East? Oh. Uh….

WOOOOOOOOOOOOO WE WON WE BEAT WEST FUCKIN’ VIRGINIA WOOOOOOO!!!!!


Ed.’s note:  There is no Dana, only Zuul.

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Saturday Morning Hate Sex: The Hit Parade

And this’ll about do it for the 2007 season. (Was it good for you?) One day of conference championships and rivalry games, then that’s all, she wrote.

(Programming note: Five Ladies’ teams have wrapped their seasons. If you care to follow along with us, we’ll be glued to Tennessee vs. LSU on CBS at 4:00 Eastern, and Pitt vs. West Fuckin’ Virginia at 7:45 on ESPN.)

I know better than to try and wrap my head around the past three months. (I mean, my boys are about to play for the SEC Championship. The hell?) But there’ll be long months of analysis and head-scratching in the offseason, and we’ve still got games to play. So kick back, pour a drink, and enjoy a little afternoon delight with the finest of the season’s hate sex recipients…gentlemen we’d love to hit, in one fashion or another.

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Hottie Hit n Run

In Coaching Carousel News, the LSU Tigers have granted Les Miles permission to talk to Michigan about the head coaching job. LSU athletic director Skip Bertman granted the request on condition that Michigan representatives wait until after Saturday’s Southeastern Conference championship game in Atlanta before starting negotiations. Michigan AD Bill Martin was quoted as saying, “We’ll have the finest facilities in the country. We also have patience to work with a coach as he transitions in.” Heh. [Look, SA, Look! The Wolverines are going after Les Miles! No more of this Ferentz talk. You don't want him anyway.]

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Pink Locker Room

A couple of our Ladies got quite a scare this past weekend and the BCS is starting to…well…sort of shake out. Mizzou and West Virginia are looking poised to meet for the title, but they each have a game left and pesky little Ohio State is just waiting to swoop in like some crazed pageant runner-up should one of them stumble. There is also Georgia, ranked inexplicably at 4th despite having lost the SEC East to Tennessee. Huh. I have to say, in another month I may have to break out my buckskin Mountaineer costume because hell if I’m going to root for Mizzou (sorry, Tigers fans). Let’s check in with some Ladies’ action…

G-shumway: In the Battle of the Schools That Quite Possibly Have the Same Mascot, Wake Forest’s Demon Deacons defeated the Vanderbilt Commodores 31-17. Wake finishes the season 8-4, tying a school record for second most wins in a season (last year’s team set the mark with 11 victories, including the Dr. Pepper ACC Championship Brought to You In Part by Dr. & Mrs. Pepper) and almost guaranteeing an appearance in a bowl game, maybe even one that is televised. Wake RB Josh Adams ran for 111 yards and two touchdowns in the victory and my future first husband Riley Skinner (See me, Riley. See me.) threw two more TDs.

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Saturday Morning Hate Sex

Not a bad week for us here at Ladies, all told. To review:

Rutgers rolling over Army in primetime. Iowa holding on for bowl eligibility. Tennessee putting serious hurt on Arkansas at home. Texas rolling through a shootout with Texas Tech.

Those two losses, though? Ouchtown, population: us, and we never saw it coming.

No one could’ve predicted Clemson would field a viable football team this year…least of all Wake Forest, playing like I-AA imitations of their former ACC Champion selves. Sorry, Cousin J-Money–at least you had the big WFV win for solace.

Same for SA and Michigan…unlike Clemson they’ve been sleepwalking all season, but who knew Wisconsin would pick Week 11 to start playing football? (But who’ll remember this if they beat Ohio State?)

Let’s send our two lovely Ladies on their way to bigger and better things this week with some eminently beddable boys from the opposite sideline:

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Hit & Run: WHAT THE HELL ON EARTH.

Is Mercury in retrograde? Have the stars knocked back a few too many cosmos (I am so sorry) at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe? I swear, I leave the internets alone for FIVE HOURS, and look at what happens:

Quack Attack, off the tracks: Oregon 24, Arizona 34. Dennis Dixon is out of commission and Oregon is out of the national title game. I wouldn’t call myself a Pac-10 homer by a long shot, but I’ve been watching a lot of Duck football this year, Dixon in particular, and whatever your allegiances, you can’t argue they’re a hell of a lot of fun to watch. That said: Losing the linchpin of your entire offense is one thing, but as far as I know Dennis didn’t maim any of his own teammates on the way off the field. A defensive collapse of this magnitude against Arizona is pretty much unforgivable, though not unexpected in the larger picture of CFB 2K7: Year of The Hell?.

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Oh, Dennis. Your Crazy Eyes only make you more alluring.

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Pink Locker Room

These last few weekends of football should prove to be pretty interesting.  I cannot wait to see what shakes out of the LSU-Oregon-Oklahoma-Kansas-West Virginia group.  I am particularly excited, barring something weird happening at either Iowa State or Texas Tech, to see the Big 12 Championship game between Kansas and Oklahoma.  Let’s check in with our favorites Ladies’ teams….

HollyTennessee 34, Arkansas 13.  This is only the second complete game the Vols have played this season (aided and abetted by an inexplicably abysmal game on both sides of the ball for the Razorbacks), but it couldn’t have come at a better time. Arkansas superstar and would-be Heisman frontrunner Darren McFadden was held to 117 yards.  Sounds like a lot until you remember he hung 321 on South Carolina last week. Our defense is back (for only the second time this season) to their smashmouth selves, and if we win out (far from certain with Kentucky and a spoiler-happy Vanderbilt team on the horizon), we’ll be punching tickets to the SEC Championship game. Continue reading

Saturday Morning Hate Sex

The season is waning!  This year has simply flown by in a haze of ludicrous upsets and marquee comebacks.  And it finally feels like fall, even in southern California.  Perfect day to curl up with a good book, a glass of wine, and reflect on the changes of the past year chain one of your most attractive nemeses to the bed and commence to forgetting your worries.  Bit of a nail-biting weekend for us last week…of the seven Ladies’ teams playing, we had two three-point margins of victory (Texas and Pitt), a four-point win (Michigan), and a one-point loss (Wake). We were 5-2 on the week, and that’s something to celebrate, particularly in 2007, the Year of the What The Hell. It’s Saturday morning, though….time to go from nail bites to neck bites.

Welcome to the weekend, dear readers.  Let’s get it on….after the jump:

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Awesome Hit of the Week

I probably shouldn’t be so excited about a loss of a school I actually attend, but I couldn’t help but be just tickled for the Navy Midshipmen on Saturday. They hung in there to defeat the Irish for the first time in 43 years. BUT the best thing about it? Was this play by Chris Kuhar-Pitters Ram Vela with 45 seconds left to go in the game:

I wish I had better footage, but there ya go. So sweet.

Ed. note:  Yahoo incorrectly identified the Navy player as Kuhar-Pitters.  Thank you to Alert Reader Signal to Noise for the correction. 

Saturday Morning Hate Sex

Last week saw the rarest of Saturdays for college football in 2007: A day where half the top ten wasn’t unceremoniously disassembled by less-than-deserving squads. The weekend was not without nail-biting, however, as two Ladies’ teams played games into overtime (Tennessee and Iowa), two won by merely a field goal against teams they should’ve put away handily (Tennessee and Texas), and two suffered devastating losses (Pitt because they were So!Close!; Rutgers because it was never close, At All).

We spent so much of the summer in giddy anticipation of the season, only to be knocked on our collective asses week in and week out by the madcappery of upset after upset after upset…and now, with the closing of the year on the horizon, you know you’d do it all over again. And by “do it”, I mean “bed gentlemen of the opposing team to banish the sting of defeat”. Let’s hit it.

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Pink Locker Room

Another week, another apocalypse.  Welcome to college football 2007.

 Let’s get right to it, shall we?  Take it away, Metsy:

How stupid am I, expecting RU to beat WVU?  Did I not remember that WVU had taken the last 12 matchups?  And that they’ve outscored us 1000-5. It certainly feels that way.  The final score was 31 – 3.  It was the first game where Rutgers was really handed its ass.  We were simply beaten by the class of the Big East, West Fuckin’ Virginia.

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Saturday Morning Hate Sex

Oh. Oh, last week sucked. (Hush your filthy mind; that’s after the jump.) Fifty percent of the Ladies saw their beloved college teams fall. Of course, we were in good company…everyone who’s anyone was on the losing end of the scoreboard. The top 25 is full of pretenders and upstarts. Chaos reigns, and I’m not just talking about my twisted sheets. I’ve been battling the nervous giggles of survivor’s guilt since Saturday night–my Vols had their usual bye date bumped up two weeks this year and I’m ridiculously grateful.

But it’s a new day. A new week. And if the college football gods are off their bender, a return to some semblance of order and right. Let’s take this morning to wipe the slate clean, and get down and dirty with our vanquishers. Join us, won’t you?

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