Stand By Your Man – Fantasy QB Results: Week 12

more tummy fat

ROMO! I don’t even know what to say to you now that you’ve been linked to Jessica Simpson. Carrie Underwood, great. Britney Spears, nothing happened. Other random starlet, fine. Jessica Simpson is about fifteen types of crazy before you start hanging with her wacko stage father, who apparently you spent Thanksgiving with.

AND you still have belly fat. I WANT TO LIKE YOU BUT GODDAMIT YOU MAKE IT SO DIFFICULT.

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Stand By Your Man – Fantasy QB Results: Week 11 – Hyperbole Edition

The beauty in watching pro-football is not in the speed of the receivers, not in the strength of the running backs, and not in size of the linemen. You might catch a glimpse of it in the leap of cornerback about to make an interception or when a tackle might move faster than a big guy should, but true beauty lies elsewhere on the field. Beauty appears in the moments that giants rise above the apparent chaos and see exactly what is happening across the turf. Continue reading

Stand By Your Man – Fantasy QB Results: Week 9

Hi. My name is TheStarterWife and I write the Ladies Quarterback Fantasy Football update each week. This is probably one of the least popular columns we run – even among the Ladies – but still here I am plugging along. And since no one really reads this update, no one is going to notice what happens next… Continue reading

Stand By Your Man – Fantasy QB Results: Week 8

True, he did not play this week as the Cowboys were on a bye week. And yes, he spent the weekend hanging out at fashionable Ketchup in LA (Who wouldn’t want a Kobe beef mini-hot dog with Kobe beef chili? I hate chili but cannot resist that dish.) and then get lap dances from Britney Spears at Le Deux while Ryan Seacrest takes notes in the corner.

But what makes him the hottie of the week? Try a $67 million six-year deal with about $30 million in guarantees.

Hey Tony… need a lap dance?

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Stand By Your Man – Week 7

Is there anyone more crushing to Fantasy Football owners than Tom Brady? (That is, unless you drafted Tom Brady?) His 188.10 total points for the season smoke second place Tony Romo (150.46) in the league.

Let’s just take a moment to acknowledge what geniuses we are by not drafting Brady Quinn in our all-hottie league. Not only is he still riding the pine, but the Browns starter Derek Anderson is in third with his 120.84 points. And, QUITE FRANKLY, he’s hotter than Brady in my book. More rugged. More manly. Poised even. Continue reading

Down & Out-Douchebagged: The Whole Story

I Eat Dick Salad

Last night was better. Obviously the onfield action wasn’t a high point, but the situation in the stands was much improved from the Disaster That Was Game Three. Texas Gal and I got what we expected as visiting fans, what we wanted all along–the right to root, root, root for the Red Sox without being cursed at, harassed, and treated like we’d committed some unforgivable, anti-Ohio sin like saying Drew Carey isn’t funny or that Bob Evans gives us diarrhea.

That said, I would like to thank everyone who let us just be Sox fans, who let us cheer and let us mourn without criticizing us for either one. Thank you to every Indians supporter who did nothing more than shout loudly for their team, a strong team that played another great game in what has been a magical season. That’s what we tried to do too. Continue reading

Boston fans out-douchebagged. Film at 11.

Resident Boston Red Sox fans Texas Gal and GordonShumway were lucky enough to be at the game at The Jake last night where they were booed, heckled, had bottles thrown at them, and were almost removed by security when they attempted to defend themselves. Texas Gal’s quote of, “Fuck this town. Fuck their team. Fuck these people. I went BY MYSELF to Yankee Stadium and got disrespected a hell of a lot less”, does not reflect well of your fans.

The girls will fill you in on all the details later (with some new tales from tonight I suspect) but in the meanwhile, City of Cleveland, i.e. THE MISTAKE ON THE LAKE, you have now brought the wrath of all eight of us into focus in one location. You fuck with one of us, and we will defend her. You fuck with two of us, gals get twitchy and start looking at departing flights out of LAX and Mapquest routes from Philly and New Jersey.

I know it has been 10 years since you’ve last won the AL Pennant, but show some respect and act like you’ve been there before.

Or as SA wisely said, “Just because your team is in the playoffs doesn’t mean you can act like an asshole.”

Week 6 – Shaking up the Stand By Your Man Posts. Again.

TSW - Hey Holly and SA – Did you see this headline yet?
*wonders what the sound of two exploding heads is like*

Holly – HISSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

In all seriousness: No surprise this year, really, with all the new receivers the Pats acquired and the resurgence of the Colts’ running game. They’re basically running our 2005 offense, the premise of which is: Of the eleven guys on the field, be able to throw to about eight of them. Should be a lot of fun to watch.

And yes, it’s nice for Tom to finally reach Peyton’s level. A lofty aspiration for a Wolverine–I’m happy for him! ;)

SA – OH. NO. YOU. DIDN’T.

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Stand By Your Man – Fantasy QB Results: Week 5

Week 5. Really. It is already Week 5. One-third of the regular season is done and gone.

Tom Brady remains the only undefeated QB (surprisingly in head to head QB match-ups Peyton Manning is 2-3 in this league), and Clare’s Speckhosen finally come back to earth with a loss this weekend leaving her tied with SA and myself at 4-1.

This weekend also saw GordonShumway’s Jake Delhomme go out for the season, so she might want to consider sending her third stringer Jay Cutler a few casual, “How’ve you been” emails while Drew Brees proves to be the flakiest date of the season.

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Stand By Your Man – Fantasy QB Results: Week 4

Short and sweet as we go into Week 4 of the Ladies “Stand by Your Man” hottie QB fantasy league. I’m exhausted from seeing my main squeeze play in person – more on this later in the week – and let’s face it; October is when all hell breaks loose in sports. Some of the craziest baseball in ages, (Rockies, Cubs, Phillies, and Diamondbacks? Who the hell had that in the pool?), hockey has dropped its first puck, and now that we are 1/4 through the regular season, the NFL story lines are in place. Favre’s record setting season. Peyton Manning and Tom Brady continue to walk on water. Romo is for real. Grossman rides the pine. And Philip Rivers is secretly txting Marty every time Norv turns his back. Continue reading

Stand By Your Man – Fantasy QB Results: Week 3

Apologies to all the Ladies this morning for my delay in posting this this week’s Fantasy Football results. I went to do the post last night, but WordPress was down for repairs and I ended up falling asleep to “My House Flip” before eventually making it to bed.

What a sleep it was though. I never ever – EVER – dream about making out with hot celebrities in my sleep. Ever. (Ok, maybe once, but I think it has been quite some time since it last happened.)

Last night? I dreamt that George Clooney was running a abs-fitness boot camp and that I was taking the class, only to have George work me harder than the other students. After the training session, we ended up kissing for a bit, and he looks at me and says, “Don’t you remember me?” This teasing goes back and forth a little bit, and then he acts all hurt that I don’t remember hooking-up with him at the premiere party after-party for The Rundown. (Note – George Clooney was not in The Rundown, nor did I go to that premiere.) Anyway, he walks me back to my car and we make plans for later that day, leaving me to call my friend Jeremy and figuring out how to explain to TSB how I made out Clooney in summer of 2003 because that was about the time we stopped seeing other people and made our whole deal exclusive. (By this point in the dream, Clooney was looking more like Billy Zane, but I could have cared less. Both hot.)

So back to the Fantasy Football post. Continue reading

Stand By Your Man – Fantasy QB Results: Week 2

Week 2 of the Stand By Your Man fantasy football league had two Ladies, (Andrea and Clare), already looking to their back-up boyfriends and featured hottie QBs that were going against each other in the Sunday Night Football game.

Metschick (De)Jesus’ Homies

vs

SA Woodson over Manning

Philip Rivers
11.76

Starting QB

Tom Brady
22.36

Alex Smith
4.94

Backup QB

Matt Hasselbeck
13.84

Eli Manning 13.44

“Just a friend”

Matt Leinart 14.56

113.06

Overall team score

221.56

Winning QB and Game winner – SA

Metschick - I hate you, Philip Rivers. Yeah, you played better this week, but you only got me 11 points, and the QB your team faced netted my opponent 22. Whatever, just get out of my sight.

SA - DREAMBOAT!!!! That’s all.

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Stand By Your Man – Fantasy QB Results: Week 1

Love maybe blind to flaws and shortcomings, but after the Week 1 of the Ladies Fantasy Quarterback League, more of than a few of the Ladies might be wondering if they should lie to their main squeezes and say that they have to go to their grandmother’s house next Sunday while quietly sending their back-up hotties a few text-messages to see if they might be around for a booty call. You know. Just in case.

Holly JimBobCooterGaveMe6

vs

Clare Speckhosen

Peyton Manning
23.52

Starting QB

Rex Grossman
4.80

Did Not Play – Not sweaty
David Carr

Backup QB

Jon Kitna
25.26


Donovan McNabb 11.26

“Just a friend”

Matt Schaub 11.90

158.92

Overall team score

163.70

QB Winner – Holly and Peyton Manning
Overall Winner – Clare

In repeat of Super Bowl XLI, Colts’ hottie Peyton Manning had his way with the Bears’ Sexy Rexy who couldn’t find his way end zone against San Diego. Overall though, Team Speckhosen sports Terrell Owens, Plaxico Burress, Joseph Addai,Travis Henry, Antonio Gates, and Mike Vrabel. Which is to say, that girl Clare is stacked! Holly would have been better served if she played the homer card and started the Colts defense and their 20 points that were wasted on the bench, instead of the Dallas D which cost her a valuable point for being -1 at the end of the day.

How bad are the Raiders? Jon “Fuck Lion” Kitna was able to go for 289 yards, 3 TDs, give up 2 INTs, and still walk – Stray Cat Strut? – away with the win.
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Ladies Fantasy Quarterback Draft – Stand By Your Man

The quarterback. The team leader. The play maker. The American symbol of all that is intelligent, strong, and virile. And as such, the quarterback is the ultimate fantasy position for the Ladies.

We thought we’d mix up the usual fantasy football draft this year and select just the hottest quarterbacks in the league. QB’s we can cheer for all season, not based on what they do for our team stats, but what they do to stir our passions both on and off the field.

Oh sure, we will have the rest of the team to think about too, but we are only really concerned with our football boyfriends. Our boys will play head-to-head in a two-division league, 14 week season with a three week playoff. Each Lady will select her main squeeze and the man she keeps on the side.

Serpentine draft order: Texas Gal, TheStarterWife, Andrea, Clare, Metschick, Holly, GordonShumway, and SA.

Texas Gal – On the clock –
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Blood Makes The Grass Grow

lsu1.jpg I have a kind of tunnel vision when it comes to sports, and I wear it proudly. I have mountains to fling myself down in the spring and tennis to occupy me in the summer, but there’s nothing gets my blood going like the divine brutality that is football season. (What? Our god is a vengeful one. Look it up.)

During the offseason I spent an inordinate amount of time composing lists of ways to make baseball more compelling (“Article I: Infielders can tackle baserunners. Article II: But that’s fine and dandy, since the baserunners can take their bats with them.”), but not even Bacon Pants could ease the pain of the waiting game for me. Maybe if he’d taken a swing at the catcher’s dome.

So welcome back, fall. Welcome back, sunburn and frostbite and concussion hits. Welcome back, tailgating and GameDay and Coach O. Welcome back, blood season. Welcome back, football.

And, because this is Ladies…, after all, in honor of tonight’s SEC kickoff, look after the jump for some current and former LSU hotties in those tight yellow pants we so adore. Oh, and there’s a tiger. Rrrrrowwwr.
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“I Want to Look Like a High School Cheerleader Again” – CMT

CMT, (the hip name designed to make you forget it is the Country Music Channel), has announced that they are launching a special eight-episode series this October that follows 10 former high school cheerleaders as they workout with Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader trainer Jay Johnson in an effort to recapture their former-selves. Since men like Ray McDonald carry around laminated cards of their high school baseball stats, it is not surprising that there would be women walking around wishing they could go back to the the top of the pyramid or get one last “liberty” in. Continue reading