Big East Conference Hangover-Georgetown Is The Poo

Bring It OnSo everybody should just take a big wiff.

(I am so sorry for the Bring It On reference.)

This is hard for me to say. I’m an ACC girl. I will, until my last breath, always proclaim that the ACC is the best college basketball conference hands down. But goddamn is Georgetown good. Very good. Scary good. And Pitt? Well, at least they made the finals. That’s special for them. Continue reading

Big West Hangover: Dwelt a miner 49er

#1 Long Beach St. defeats #2 Cal Poly. This was the second tournament I’ve hung over where the semis were the #1, #2, #3 and #5 teams and it was about as exciting as that last sentence. Cal Poly made it a game most of the way, but by the end the fightin’ 49ers of Long Beach kept a comfortable 10 point lead down the stretch.

The Hottie MVP is Long Beach State’s freshman guard at 6’3, 170: Darnell Porter. Hello Darnell. Are you over 18? Not that that’s necessarily a deal-breaker. Long Beach is most like going to be slotted into a #14 seed spot and since 14-3 upsets are becoming more common, the 49ers may not be one-and-done.

Western Athletic Conference Hangover-Finally Sweet Release

NMSU mascotFinally, a game that was interesting from beginning to end. A game that was competitive from both teams and had all the drama we expect from March. Thank you New Mexico State. Thank you Utah State. Your stately battle was a good one and thanks to a minor upset by the hands of Utah St., your conference will be getting two teams into the tournament this year. Wiggidy WAC indeed. Continue reading

America East Hangover: SCOOBY DOO!

The America East Conference tourney was fairly run-of-the-mill. The only lower seed to beat a higher seed before the finals was #5 UMBC beating #4 Maine in the first round. The finals were a match-up between #1 Vermont v. #2 Albany. I watched the game and it was a decent ball game, in the sense that the score was always close. The style of play was a little slow. It definitely is not the run-n-gun style of the bigger programs, but it was a dogfight, which makes for good viewing. The score seesawed back and forth all game; the largest lead was when Albany went up 27-20 in the first half. By the end of the game, it was a 1-pt contest, but to read about the strange final minute of play, jump with me (jump, jump!)… Continue reading

Patriot League Hangover – Collector’s Card

Congratulations Holy Cross!  You get your own card Hottie MVP Keith Simmons! (No relation to The Sports Guy, so calm down out there.)

Hooptimeonline did some great live-blogging from the Holy Cross – Bucknell championship game, (How does one live-blog in an arena?), and I cannot hope to top that for coverage.  (Unless I could have live-blogged from inside the locker room.)

Simmons was not on my initial Patriot League All-Conference Hottie Team Panty Raid, but after seeing his bod in action I knew I had to make a switch.

Which makes the Holy Cross Zach Paterick card that more valuable, so double check your collections.

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ACC In Progress Panty Raid

Wasn’t it the Full House theme song that started
What ever happened to predictability?
The milkman, the paperboy, or the A-C-C?

Let’s get to it…and we’re starting with my school.

#11 Wake Forest 114
#6 Georgia Tech 112 (2 OT)

Make Out with Me Deacons walk-on Mike Lepore said that his favorite quote by coach Skip Prosser was “Don’t worry about us being good”. That’s something that the Deacons obviously took to heart this season as they teeter on the edge of their first losing season since 1990. Author’s note: I wrote that before the game yesterday, when I was thinking “Fuck it, we’re a football school now” and making out with a newspaper clipping about QB Riley Skinner.

Sophomore guard Harvey Hale scored 21 of his 22 points in overtime to lead the Deacs to a 2OT win over the Yellowjackets. Hale said he chose Wake Forest to “get away from New Mexico”. The Land of Enchantment sometimes called him in the middle of the night, breathing heavily and asking “Hey baby, you want me to make you feel good?”

The Demon Deacon mascot comes from Wake’s previous affiliation with the Baptist church. It is no longer a Baptist college so the students are free to dance, a mixed blessing considering that the campus is predominantly white.

Georgia Tech’s Jeremis Smith scored ten points last night and the author of his bio takes note of Smith’s big hands, big feet, and that his nickname is Big Worm. Jesus, we get it.

Confidential to Jeremis Smith: Call me. Continue reading

Southland Conference Panty…Wait? Who?

FunyunsFirst, if you tell the IT department that their new “We block WordPress” policy is stupid, you’re guaranteed to spend the afternoon locked out of your computer. But now I’m home so I can write what I want, and unlike the IT department, I don’t smell like feet, Funyuns, and virginity.

I saw a Hertz commercial that said “Hertz rents Fords and other fine cars”, which is kind of like saying the Southland conference features Stephen F. Austin and other fine colleges. Most of them have admissions standards noted as “least selective”, which means if you don’t bleed on your application, you’re in.

Thanks to IT’s PC cockblock, three of the first round games have already been played but I’m willing to bet that if you live outside of, um, the south…land, not only are the scores new to you but so are the schools. My personal favorite team, the UT-San Antonio Roadrunners, were eliminated from the tournament after they disappeared into a tunnel that the coyote painted onto a rock. Continue reading

West Coast Conference HangovYAAAAAAWN

dreamland.jpegWhat’s that? The WCC Tournament ended on Monday? Pardon me…I must have dozed off. The top two teams, both with double byes, played for the championship and the higher-seeded team won? Criminy, I really need to invest in a Tivo setup.

Now, do you really want to see my rearranging and rehashing of the many fine wire stories covering the West Coast Conference Championship? Or would you rather read one story actually written by a journalist and then look at pictures of yawning animals?

Thought so.

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Big XII Conference Panty Raid

One two three FOUR FIVE six seven eight nine ten ELEVEN TWELVE (dooooo dooo doooo doooo…)

You hear that Big TEleven – we’re the Big XII, and we have XII teams!

The Big XII (the roman numerals mean we’re fancy!) pinball is rolling around that giant machine… and which seed number will it finally land in? To my consternation, the Longhorns always seem to come up short in the conference tourney (no matter how well they end up doing in the Big Dance), so I’m gonna go with Kansas. Lord knows I will be choking on my own vomit if Texas A&M wins, so let’s just hope RockChalkJayhawk can pull this off. In the meantime, here are some Big XII hotties to chew on.

Now I get to take advantage of this opportunity, and make fun of all the teams in the conference…

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Big Sky Hangover – A recap in MSPaint

Congratulations Weber State, you managed to hold on to your 21 point lead and defeat Northern Arizona 88-80.  Your invitation to the Big Dance is now secure.   (Although hand it to the Lumberjacks.  The fought back and came to within in 2 points of tying the game up late in the second half. Pity, because I was kinda rooting for Northern Arizona.) 

So join me and hit Start->Programs->Accessories->Paint.    And we ain’t resizing a thing.

Your winning Hottie MVP –  Juan Pablo Silveria.

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Ivy League Hangover

Penn is your winner, again. They win most years, then go on to lose in the first round of the NCAA tournament. In the last 10 years of the NCAA tourney it’s been Princeton 4 times, Penn 6 times. The Ivy League representative is seeded anywhere from 11 to 15, but never dropping to a 16 seed. Ivy League rep, “So you’re saying there’s a chance!”

A couple tidbits on the Ivy League that I discovered while perusing the photos of their players: Brown has a forward who looks like Sloth from The Goonies. I thought about including a picture, but decided that would be mean. Daniel Trepanier (left) from Columbia is the White Michael Irvin. Finally, Princeton gets a special award today. The Ugliest Team I’ve Looked at Yet Because DAMN They All Appear To Have Herpes About The Face Award. Yikes. (Except Zach Woolridge, he’s pretty cute and appears to be herpes-free). Continue reading

SEC Panty Raid: *hic*

shine.jpg The Southeastern Conference Tourney kicks off tomorrow night at the Georgia Dome in Atlanta. If it weren’t my home conference, I might not even watch this year. The teams are big, slow, and mean, with the exceptions of Tennessee and Florida, the only two schools to crack the Top 25. Not what you’d call electrifying court presences.

So rather than discuss actual basketball, I thought I’d leave it up to the collective juju of each university to make my predictions. Let the games begin:

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Big Ten Conference Panty Raid: SBTB Edition

Finally, the Big 6 Conference Tournaments are starting. I like watching scrappy teams play to not be in the play-in game as much as the next Lady…, but now it really starts. I am going to be in Chicago on Friday for back-to-back-to-back-to-back Big Ten games and I AM PUMPED! I got my foam finger ready to go, and hopefully nobody from Craig’s List hears about it. Tonight, I bring you your Big Ten Conference Panty Raid. Here is a link to the bracket. I’m going to predict an Iowa win. Partially because I’m a homer, but also because Alford has the best record in the BTT since its inception in 1998. The Hawkeyes are also tied with Illinois and Michigan State for most BTT titles. Go Hawkeyes!

I’m feeling nostalgic today, so I discuss each team as a character from Saved by the Bell. Follow me and feel free to sing along……when I wake up in the morning and the alarm gives out a warning, I don’t think I’ll ever make it on time (doo doo)….. Continue reading

PAC-10 Panty Raid – Abbreviated “Thong” Version

There are about a thousand more media outlets, (Are we a media outlet? If so, can we get invited to one of those “reporter” websites where we can get copy to use?), that can tell you everything you need to know about the PAC-10.  I would argue that the vast majority of you already know everything you need to know about the PAC-10 tourney.

(Cliff Notes – UCLA, Arizona, Oregon, Washington State, and USC are pretty much locks. Standford is most likely a lock, depending on how they do in the conference tourney. Washington needs to go crazy in the tourney to make it to the big dance.)

Since we are the ONE media outlet highlighting just the hotties,  let’s get to it.

James Keefe – UCLA
(Not much going on there, but he has a great smile.)

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Mid-American Conference Panty Raid

Who knew that middle America was hiding all kinds of hot? This preview was infinitely more fun to prepare than expected because I discovered that the Mid-American Conference, more than any other conference I looked at, has a ton of hotties. And I don’t say that lightly- because the Atlantic Sun and Big XII Conferences are no slouches… but the MAC might just take the hottie crown. At least they’ll have that honor to keep them warm, because it’s unlikely that more than one MAC team will make it to the Big Dance (although not impossible). More news and notes after the jump (with help from special correspondent/informant Suss)- but first, let’s get to the main attraction…

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Conference USA Panty Raid

I almost can’t be bothered. C-USA is plagued by boring guys (no real stunning hotties in the bunch) and an even more boring story- as it looks like it’s once again going to be Memphis, and only Memphis, all the way. I mean- look at the Hottie Team: no stunners, Dave and Robert are cute enough… but Matt? How in the world is this the hottest center in the conference? And you don’t know what a chore it was just to find the guys that did make the Team. Sigh. Hopefully I’ll be able to liven things up for you after the jump.

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Sun Belt Conference Hangover

So I was able to tune in for the second half of the Sun Belt finals. It was….kinda boring, to tell you the truth. The announcers were pretty funny though. They kept stressing that the winner of the game should definitely NOT be in the play-in game. They should get to join the field of 64 just like all the other Big Boy Teams. At the end of the first half, North Texas led Arkansas State by 1 point. I predicted that Arkansas State would win in this tourney. They’re on a 6-game winning streak and one of their stars, Adrian Banks, broke the ASU single-season scoring record this year as a freshman!

However, I shall keep you in suspense no longer: North Texas pulled out the win. According to our funny announcers, this was “a celebration 19 years in the making.” Yeah, it’s always good to see those 19-year plans come to fruition. I wonder if, when they were busy pooping and breast feeding and being fetuses, the North Texas players had any idea what the Basketball Gods had cooked up for them. Also, my celebration 19 years in the making will be when I win the bronze medal in the Luge at the age of 44 in the Ireland 2026 Winter Olympics. Continue reading

Atlantic Ten Panty Raid

Forget it. I’m not wasting time asking “Why does the Atlantic 10 have fourteen teams?” Twelve of those teams will be in the tournament and half of them are Catholic schools, so I’m ready for some hot Jesuit-on-Jesuit action…and I’m hoping that never shows up as a search term. Grab your fish sticks and take a look at Wednesday’s matchups.

#8 University of Dayton vs. #9 UNC-Charlotte
One of the University of Dayton’s most notable alums is author Erma Bombeck, who wrote a lot of books that were irresistible to women over forty, things with titles like Is it Hot in Here or Is It Just Menopause? or I’m Tied Up But My Fallopian Tubes Aren’t. I’m pretty sure I read both of those while using the bathroom at my aunt’s house. Junior forward Charles Little was named the conference Sixth Man of the Year and will be immortalized in Erma’s next book, You Drive the Lane, I Drive You Wild, But Who’s Driving Me to the Gynecologist?

Christmas Story According to their website, UNCC was named one of two North Carolina universities where students can get an Ivy League education at a state university price”. The site also notes that the majority of campus buildings are now air-conditioned, that the campus has sidewalks, and that the new phone books are here. Suck it, Dartmouth.

Unlike the Ivy Leagues, however, Charlotte is actually good at basketball. Freshman Ian Anderson averages 4.7 points per game, despite shooting his eye out with a bb gun. Ian, you should’ve listened to your mother, your father, your teacher, and Santa. Continue reading

Mountain West Panty Raid – (Thank heavens for Jack in the Box)

BYU Jordan CameronThis post almost killed me.   No hyperbole, no exaggeration, no whining.  God love you if you are a beat reporter covering the Mountain West Conference, because you are made of a stronger mettle than I.   It took me three days to come up with my all hottie MWC team, (I did manage to go work, see a movie, go to the gym, and play too much Wii in that time), but I swear to you I looked at the team rosters SEVERAL DOZENS OF TIMES to come up with five players.

I blame several things -

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Big East Panty Raid

Tomorrow afternoon, a plethora of hotties from up and down the Eastern Seaboard will fill Madison Square Garden for the 25th annual Big East tournament. Only the top 12 teams get bids to the Big East tourney (sorry, USF, Seton Hall, Cincy and Rutgers) and the top four get automatic bids to the quarterfinals.

My Pitt Panthers have a three seed, a fact that makes me want to throw myself on the floor and writhe around in agony. The only thing stopping me from doing so is the fact that Notre Dame has a four seed. Ha!

Meet the Big East All-Hottie first team after the jump.

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Colonial Athletic Association Hangover

After the boring ass-beating of the A-Sun Conference championship, I was feeling empty. My March Madness experience was lacking, I wondered if I’d ever find excitement again. I was feeling sad and blue- but Virginia Commonwealth made me feel shiny and new… VCU and George Mason (George Mason?!?! what is this- 2006?) stepped up in a big way, delivering a thrilling championship game and making bubble teams across the land faint away dead from the stress. I love you, CAA. Will you marry me?

I got drunk and married CAA in Vegas! Errr, Richmond, VA!

See the complete wedding album, and all the dirt, after the jump… Continue reading

Metro Atlantic Athletic Conference Hangover

Siena, you almost made me look smart. You got the the championship game and gave it a good fight. So much so that you had me believing in you. And then you break my heart. Darn you Siena. Darn you. Niagara won the MAAC Championship, 83-79 Monday night to capture the automatic bid to the NCAA’s. This will be their second trip to the “Big Dance” in three years. Continue reading

Southern Conference Hangover

SoCon logoAh, the SoCon Tournament. Once again another conference tournament went pretty much chalk. And the number one seed, Davidson won. Big shocker. C of C got to the championship game with the home-town crowd and Davidson got there because they’re a good team. I went to this game Saturday, well the first half of the game anyway, and I must say that although it was a two-point game at halftime, I was pretty bored. And this is nothing against the Southern Conference. It just wasn’t that exciting of a game to me. I would have pictures for you. But me and my camera didn’t get along, particularly the part where it decided to jump out of my hand while walking to the entrance, breaking into a bunch of little pieces. Fuck you Sony Cyber-shot that I got for Christmas. Continue reading

Western Athletic Conference Panty Raid

I know it’s lame, I do. But every time I see the Western Athletic Conference I always call it the “wiggidy wiggidy WAC.” I use to think that I was the only person who still had “wiggidy wack” in their vocabulary, but I see that I’m not alone.

It’s not about sports, but damn if that’s not a funny clip. I really should start watching Project Runway. Continue reading

Fashion Police

No. Just… no.

Listen up Syracuse, Florida, Ohio State and Arizona- do not do this. Do not fall prey to the same disease Oregon caught in football (with their tire tread prints) and adopt these stupid looking “System of Dress” unis from Nike. Sure, every girl likes to see a man working out in a tight Under Armour-style shirt… but we do not want our basketball players wearing them on the court. Plus, the shorts look ridiculous. And is that a gator skin print I see on the Florida sleeve?  Oh, hell no.  If the rumors are true, you’ll show up to games wearing these atrocities starting tomorrow- please let these rumors turn out to be false. Don’t do this to us.


Missouri Valley Conference Hangover

Nothin’ special to see here and Bubble Teams around the country can breathe one more sigh of relief.  All 4 top seeds made the semi-finals and the top 2 seeds made the finals. Creighton made the finals easily; Missouri State could never really find an answer for Creighton’s shifting defenses. Southern Illinois, however, had a tougher time and only beat Bradley on a last-second bucket. It would not surprise me to see the MVC get 4 tournament bids now; a lot will depend on how the other tournaments around the country shake out.  If my review of the title match sounds like a live-blog, that’s cause it is.  I actually got to watch all of the game with no interruptions.  Continue reading

Big South Conference Hangover

Fuck you VMI. You almost had us going there, beating third-seed Liberty by 1, and then beating the second seed High Point by 10. And giving Winthrop a game down to the last nine seconds. And having us all believe you could be one of those tournament teams that came out of nowhere. But in the end your pathetic defense did you in. Winthrop beat VMI 84-81, going to the big dance for the seventh time in nine years and for the third straight year. The Eagles were lead by Torrell Martin, who scored 17 points. VMI was lead by Travis Holmes, who scored 29 points; that led all players on the floor. He made 6 out of 9 threes in the game. The Big South tournament team-Craig Bradshaw (MVP) (Winthrop), Michael Jenkins (Winthrop), Travis Holmes (VMI), Reggie Williams (VMI), K.J. Garland (UNC Asheville), and Eugene Harris (High Point). Continue reading

Atlantic Sun Conference Hangover

The next morning, you always end up asking yourself… what the hell happened? Sometimes your recollections are hazy, and you only have vague impressions of where you went or what/who you did. Sometimes you have random text messages or voicemails or (best of all) photos on your cell that help you reconstruct the events. Sometimes, if you’re very lucky, you can’t remember a damned thing at all. That’s when you call your buddy, and have a debriefing to try and sort things out.

Were you drunk dialing again last night?

Let this be your debriefing for the Atlantic Sun Conference tournament – I’ll help you fill in the gaps.

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OVC Tournament Hangover

Great last few minutes of the final game. Boring conference tourny. The Ohio Valley Conference Tournament pretty much went chalk, the only mild upset being fifth-seed Samford beating four-seed Murray State. Even the game last night, Austin Peay and Eastern Kentucky, featured the top two seeds in the conference. And it was dull, as Austin Peay couldn’t buy a basket for 10 minutes in the second half which lead to Eastern Kentucky taking over the game. AP did, however, get back into the game with a little less than three minutes left, taking the lead. But Josh Taylor hit the game-winning layup with 2.9 seconds left to put Eastern Kentucky up 63-62. The Colonels are going to their seventh NCAA Tournament and the OVC title was their fifth overall. They last won in 2005. Continue reading

Heads, I Hate Them. Tails, I Hate Them.

Corky Paulus

This has nothing to do with the text below but it makes me laugh.

I’ll be spending my entire day hoping that a pterodactyl screeches into the Dean Dome and scoops up the entire rosters of both #14 Duke and #8 UNC. And Coach K and Roy Williams, who seems to enjoy sharing the Ol’ Roy nickname with a brand of dog food sold exclusively at Wal-Mart.

Due to the fact that I wouldn’t cheer for Duke if they played Al Qaeda, (Give me an A!), I will reluctantly pull for Carolina and their mascot Tyler Hansbrough, who can’t be one of our hotties because hotties have to be capable of closing their mouths. It wouldn’t surprise me to learn that he eats a chipmunk and drinks a gallon of whole milk before each game.

Tipoff’s at 4:00. Watch yourself, Vitale. YOU CAN’T OUTHUSTLE A PTERODACTYL, BAYBEEE! NOBODY outhustles a Pterodactyl.