About Texas Gal

Pitched four years for the Philadelphia Athletics, and then played shortstop for seven years for the Montreal Expos. Taught Rickey Henderson to steal a base. Taught Nolan Ryan to throw a punch. Taught Mickey Mantle to drink a beer. Threw one seven-hitter and seven no-hitters. Wonderboy was my creation, and first Jobu shrine was in my locker. Often called "the next Dustin Pedroia". Always wear high socks and eyeblack. Prefer to slide headfirst.

Hump Day Hottie: David Wright

Sometimes a baseball player comes along who is so very perfect, it’s nigh impossible to believe he actually exists.

Photo Credit: Player Magazine

A guy who grows up a Mets fan as a kid in Virginia, and ends up living the dream by his early 20’s. A guy whose stunning good looks are better suited to a cinema screen, rather than the corner man on the diamond. A guy who starts his own foundation at age 23 to raise money for multiple sclerosis, and wins a bubble-blowing contest for charity. A guy who is smart enough to take a share in the company signing him to an endorsement deal, instead of a flat fee (earning him a cool $20 million when the company is sold). A guy who is unfailingly polite, known far and wide for going out of his way for fans, who hustles his butt off and has the respect of his entire team. A guy whose idea of a perfect date is, no lie, to walk on the beach and listen to the waves. Oh yeah, and a guy who is an All-Star (starter, at that) in just his second year in the big leagues.

All that *and* a great ass, killer scruff and charming smile? David Wright, you really are almost too good to be true.

TONS more DWright goodies after the jump.

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Hit and Run: Best of Times, Worst of Times

Let’s start with the bad. Get it out of the way.

* I take full responsibility. By openly laughing at the circus sideshow that is Alex Rodriguez, I basically guaranteed karma would come back at me- in the form of a recorded L for my #1 hottie Jonathan Papelbon (thanks to an A-Rod bomb). Outside fastball, Papyboo? Throw the splitter next time, baby. [And Boston begins a mini-freakout]

* Texan hottie Josh Beckett looked solid in yesterday’s start- and should have earned his 9th win. Unfortunately, close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades, so Beckett got nothing off of his efforts. [More fascinating: a visual analysis of how Josh's delivery has changed in one year]

* The dugout brawl between hottie Michael Barrett and Carlos Zambrano has been overanalyzed already, so I will simply say: (a) both of them are hotheads (Mikey B: AJ punch, fight with Oswalt; Zammy: spiking Todd Walker’s hat, calling out Matt Murton from the mound), (b) of course I side with Michael. [Scoreboard always wins any argument.]

And for the good- leave things on a high note:

* David Wright is smart. Opting to take a 0.5% interest in Vitamin Water in exchange for his endorsement – rather than a flat fee- David’s interest is now estimated to be $20 million dollars after the company was sold for $4.1 billion. [It must be tough being a single, rich, smoking hot ballplayer in New York City.]

* Hawaiian cutie Shane Victorino gave all the Philly fans at CBP two gifts yesterday: the snazzy Shane-in-a-hula-skirt bobblehead, and a walk-off home run to beat the Giants. [He makana nâu, Phanatics.]

Mickey Mantle Award: Baseball’s Best Assets, pt. 3

Compiling a list of the 25 hottest asses in baseball is harder than it would seem- because, as I quickly learned, every single ballclub has lots of great looking butts… and at least one or two spectacular ones. Some guys help their cause by wearing appropriately close-fitting pants (#1 on the list is a master at this technique) and wearing those pants in the flattering high-cuffed fashion (#3 does this gloriously). But in the end, it’s the ass that matters- no matter what team he’s on or what kind of pants he’s wearing (though I’d urge them all to follow the example of #1 and #3 if they want a little help in the rankings next year).

You can check out the butts that have made the grade so far at: Mickey Mantle Award Part 1: #25-21 and Mickey Mantle Award Part 2: #20-16. And we’re moving on up to #15-11 after the jump…

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Hump Day Hottie: Grady Sizemore

Sometimes, you just need to give the people what they want. Considering the vast number of hits we get from searches for “Grady Sizemore”- there are a ton of people out there in need of some Grady, stat. I am here for y’all- with a whole mess of photos of the (almost) 25 year-old Seattle native- who sports eye black on a regular basis and wears his pants high-cuffed (as it should be).

Grady still drives his baby blue 1966 Lincoln Continental convertible to his day job as the All-Star centerfielder for the Cleveland Indians. He’s also a very shy guy (who spurns endorsements because he doesn’t like the spotlight), loves watching movies and documentaries- and could have played college ball as the QB at UDub (and the NFL?). But he choose four years in the minors over four years in college- and it looks like that decision was the right one. Cleveland sure thinks so.

Tons more Grady loveliness, after the jump…

Edited to add 4 additional photos from wwi_flying_ace_17!

Edited again: BowdenBowdenBowden tipped us that you can win an afternoon playing wiffleball with Grady. That is not a euphemism.

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I Was There: Phillies-Mets-Marlins

Another weekend, another city, another four baseball games (Phillies-Marlins, and the three game Mets-Marlins series)- the tally is now at 24 games on the year so far. But now I’m going to give back, and share a little of the baseball hottie-fueled knowledge I gathered down in Miami.

How to Go to a Marlins Game: A Texas Gal Primer

1. Get Tickets.
The easiest part of the whole process is getting ahold of tickets- because there aren’t really very many “fans” of the Marlins variety. More like “people who live in the Miami area who are bored, and are investigating the rumors that their city has a pro baseball team”. These “fans” are easily startled, and will cower at the slightest taunting from opposing fans- which is unfortunate that they play in the same division as New York and Philadelphia, world-class hecklers both. Also unfortunate when 85% of the stadium are Mets fans.
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Hit & Run: The (Ft. Myers) Kid Stays In the Picture

* You may not have heard, but my man Roger Clemens made his minor league start for the Tampa Yankees on Friday in Florida. Ever the humble man, he arrived to the park in his Hummer- but he did make time to talk to a local little leaguer who accompanied him on the mound during pregame. [See, he is a human after all.] Also, special homer note: they played “The Eyes of Texas”, the University of Texas alma mater, during the Rocket’s warmup pitches before the first batter. Hook ‘Em!

* The real star of the game wasn’t the Rocket, though- it was the kid from the Single-A Fort Myers Miracle (Twins affiliate) who popped a homer off Roger in the first inning. Minor league hottie Erik Lis had a take-no-prisoners attitude about facing Clemens, and an awfully cute butt. [Never to early to start scouting the farm system]

* The Twins roster is now sporting the hottest fashion accessory to hit the baseball diamond: the buzzcut. [It certainly appears to have worked some magic for the Mets.] Hottie Joe Mauer got the buzz- no visual confirmation on whether the sideburns survived.

* Hello and goodbye to hottie Kason Gabbard, who was called up from the minors to pitch for the Red Sox on Sunday. Kason (coolest name ever!) walked away with the W over the Braves… and within minutes of hitting the locker room, was demoted back down to Triple-A Pawtucket. [That'll teach him to pitch well!] Bonus points for Kason? [He and hottie Jarrod Saltalamacchia are old high school buds].

* Let my mourning period commence for Todd Walker, the gorgeous Louisiana hottie who graced the rosters of the Twins, Rockies, Reds, Red Sox, Cubs, Padres & A’s over the past 11 years. The A’s released him late last week [boo!], and Todd now says he’ll retire from baseball [double boo!] (thanks to reader Patrick for the tip on the second article!)

as always, click on the pics for bigger versions

Mickey Mantle Award: Baseball’s Best Assets, pt. 2

Previously, on Hot Baseball Butts: Mickey Mantle Award Part 1: #25-21. I’m pretty sure The Mick would be proud to learn that an award for the juiciest baseball behind is named after him. It’s only right and fair to honor him, considering he was a pioneer in the “Beautiful Baseball Boy” department.

And continuing on our journey along the dazzling array of assets conveniently located inside a pair of tight baseball pants on major league diamonds around the country… this time we’re tucking in to #20-16, after the jump…

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The Ref: Did Someone Say Baseball?

Special thanks to TheStarterWife for covering The Ref for me last week while I was in Boston for da bays baw gaymes. Those of you who missed my “all baseball, all the time” coverage (anyone? Bueller?), never fear- I’m back to overload you with MLB links.

By far, the nicest guy in baseball- according to a survey of 450+ major leaguers. How nice is Sean? After playing the Red Sox, he got up early the next morning to go serve food to homeless people at a charity he founded. Rudest guy in baseball? Barry Bonds. Anyone surprised?
HOLDING: Worst Baseball Team Ever
The team at B&C has put together the roster of the worst baseball players in history. “F*ck Face” Billy Ripken made the list. Owner Peter Angelos made the list. Shockingly, LaTroy Hawkins did not. Is there such a thing as the Worse-Than-Worst Team?
[Bugs & Cranks]
TIMEOUT: Roger Clemens
A short while ago, the Rocket’s decision to play for the Yanks looked sound. Now, with the Red Sox and Astros on fire (relatively speaking), his stated desire to play for a winning club may just get exposed… because the Yankees aren’t looking so hot. And as much as I love you, Rog, I just have to say… HAH-HAH!
[UmpBump] & Sabermetrics at [Extrapolator]
CLIPPING: Brady Anderson’s Long Ball
Aside from one 50 HR year, Brady’s numbers in the long ball department were decidedly short. No worries, though, he was still ranking off the charts in “crazy hotness” the whole time.
[Kermit the Blog]
ILLEGAL MOTION: Umpire Bill Welke
Let’s say you’re an umpire calling a game where the starting Astros pitcher just had a baby the day before, and you notice he’s still wearing the little hospital bracelet for his new child. What do you do? You make the Astros management walk out to the mound with a pair of scissors and cut the offending thing off!

Hump Day Hottie: Cole Hamels

As before, this Hump Day Hottie is featuring a favorite hottie of one of the other Ladies… about whom I was woefully ignorant until recently. I have only myself to blame for missing out on the beautiful bendy-ness of Cole Hamels. Excuse me, I mean “Colbert Michael Hamels” – come on, Colbert is an awesome first name. He’s a Cali boy out of San Diego with a wicked pitching arm (his change-up has a better whiff rate than the legendary Johan Santana) and a tall lanky body that’s all muscle and gumby goodness. He’s also the owner of some gorgeously intense baby blues, lovely dark hair (which, I’m sorry dear Cole, looks better short and tight- but I’ll take him with the long shag he’s got now, too) and a disarming smile. With this arsenal of hotness at his disposal, it’s high time Cole gets some love. I know Clare will be happy to step in.

Lots more Cole goodies, including cute video, after the jump…

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Hottie Hit & Run: Foobaw, Basebaw and… Skiing?

* Despite what Fox Sports reported over the weekend, Brett Favre does not want to be traded. He doesn’t deny or apologize for the remarks he made about the busted Randy Moss trade, though. [What fun would an offeseason be without a Favre kerfluffle?]

* Pat Burrell continues to confound Phans, being admonished in the press by the front office in the morning and then slamming out two homers later that night- and earning a standing ovation from the hateful yet adoring fans in attendance. [And what fun would it be to be a Phan if there wasn't Burrell to hate on?]

* Brewers bomber J.J. Hardy is continuing his assault at the plate with a grand slam over the weekend against the mighty Mets. Even better (well, if you’re a Brewers fan) is that J.J. was able to distract the Mets with a rundown tag battle, while his team scored 2 runs behind their back. [It's like watching a horror movie- and yelling at the dumb girl to TURN AROUND]

* Perennial troublemaker hottie Bode Miller had an eventful weekend. First, on Saturday, he quit the U.S. ski team after years of complaining. Then on Sunday, his cousin shot and then ran over a police officer. [The NY Times is on the trail with a fascinating look inside Miller's kooky family]. We’re still allowed to think he’s hot, right?

* Scott Podsednik is having a tough go of his rehab stint- which is taking longer than expected. He’s become bored and impatient sitting at home alone watching TV. [I would certainly volunteer to keep him occupied]

Mickey Mantle Award: Honoring Baseball’s Best Assets

The Gold Glove celebrates superior fielding. The Silver Slugger recognizes outstanding offense. The Cy Young honors the highest caliber pitching. All distinguished awards, with rich histories and illustrious lists of past winners. But no one has stepped up to honor the real “most valuable” asset in all of baseball: the sweet baseball player asses showcased by those lovely baseball pants.

I’m here to fill that void, with a countdown of the 25 hottest asses in baseball. The butt that tops the list at #1 earns the inaugural Mickey Mantle Award, representing the finest ass to be found inside a pair of major league baseball pants.

First up: #25-21 on the list. We’ll ogle our way through all 25 on the countdown, 5 at a time (ahem). Let’s take a dip into the shallow end of the pool…

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Hump Day Hottie: Eye Black

Here’s the thing: every man is hotter in eye black. Especially men of the athlete variety- all instantly made hotter with smears of eye black. Why this is the case, I can only assume because eye black denotes athleticism, physical exertion, sweat, a little bit of rough and tumble and a whole lot of hottness to the female eye. Eye black is undeniably sexy – and when worn by a hot athlete? Damned irresistible.

A whole hell of a lot of hot athletes in eye black after the jump…

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Hit & Run – Baseballin’

* Say it ain’t so, Joe! Twin Cities hottie Joe Mauer went on the 15-day DL Sunday with a strain in his left quad muscle, described as the kind of injury resulting from a high impact (like in football). [Darling Joe, take it easy on those thigh muscles, baby]

* Pat Burrell notched a few hits and more than a few walks this weekend against the Giants. He’s finally heating up his bat after a wicked 0-fer streak. Pat says he’s “seeing the ball better”. [Maybe those new contact lenses this season have helped]

* News flash: Ryan Langerhans did not get traded to another new team today. The Ryan Roulette wheel settled on the Nationals (for now)- just in time for some lovely scenery views from Wrigley’s left field bleachers this weekend. He also (finally) got two hits on Sunday (bringing his average to a whopping .093). [The obscurity of being a Nat apparently agrees with him]

* Huston Street‘s 51-game streak without giving up a homerun came to an end on Saturday against the Rays, and also cost him the save. But the hottest man on the hottest roster in baseball (even without Langerhans) was back in fine form with a save on Sunday. [And, really, Huston is always in fine form]

* The Brewers are the hottest team in the NL (21 wins), and J.J. Hardy is one of the prime reasons. J.J. is a on a 17-game hitting streak, which includes a homer on Friday and another on Saturday (8 on the season so far). [Every ball is J.J.'s bitch] And just because I can, a bonus video of J.J. talking about Saturday’s win (that voice!) – and a picture of his best asset at Miller Park on Friday night, straight from my camera to you:

Thanks for making my Miller Park visit so memorable, darling J.J.

The Ref: Flashlight Alert!

TOUCHDOWN: Brett Myers
One day you win the starting spot, another day you’re relegated to the bullpen, and yet another you get a save in your first outing as the closer. Suck on that, Tom Gordon. You, too, Giants. Especially that one Giants fan screaming “Myers sucks” for the whole ninth inning. At least be original- there’s a lot of potential there.
[The 700 Level]
HOLDING: Astros Front Office
Fact:baseball players look exponentially hotter when wearing their pants the right way (a.k.a. high-cuffed). Why then does the Astros’ front office prohibit all their minor leaguers from wearing their pants the right way? Are they trying to reduce the number of groupies hanging around? Stop the madness, Astros.
[Uni Watch]
TIMEOUT: Really Long Heckle Guy
No, seriously- time out. Sit down and keep your piehole shut, unless and until you can cut down the excess verbiage… or until you can manage a more coherent rant. Unless you’re hot- in which case, take off your shirt.
[Strike Zones and End Zones]
The great sperminator, the savior of the Northeast, the face of Boston and all of New England – wears a Yankees cap? Oh, Tom, how could you. That’s like ditching a girl shortly after you get her pregnant, and then moving on to a supermodel.
[With Leather]
ILLEGAL MOTION: Mets Front Office
So you’re the Mets. A spectator gets arrested at Shea for shining a flashlight in the eyes of players, and receives jail time and a 3-year ban. What’s your next move? Well, you give away 25,000 flashlights to fans, of course! Makes perfect sense.
[Our Book Of Scrap]

Hump Day Hottie: Cristiano Ronaldo

Yes, he may be a pretty boy. Yes, he may be a pompous jerk. Yes, he may own more hair products than I do. Yes, he may fancy himself a fashion plate. Yes, he may play for the hated Manchester United. Yes, he may have been named in honor of Ronald Reagan (true story).  All of these things don’t really matter though, because… look at him:

Suddenly, all that other annoying stuff about him becomes irrelevant, no? And there’s lots more where that came from…

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Hotness, Thy Name Is The Oakland A’s

Oakland Athletics- I am at your mercy.

The offseason acquisition of uber-hottie Todd Walker proved your commitment to continuing your tradition of holding the hottest roster in all of baseball, and for that I saluted you… nay, I worshipped at your altar of awesomeness. I thought y’all could not possibly field a hotter team. Oh, how wrong I was. With your trade for Ryan Langerhans over the weekend, you have taken the game to a whole ‘nother level. Oakland A’s, I stand and give you a slow clap – and I support your continued march of world domination.

Haven’t been converted to the Church of Hot that is the A’s? Just take a look at the roster after the jump…

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Hit & Run – Monday Madness

* Brett Favre may look hot in football pants- but I’m betting he looks just as hot in a baseball uni. OK, so technically it’s a softball uni- but still… I get to ogle Brett’s legs in shorts AND help charity at the same time! [It's a win-win situation]

* Favre’s doppleganger, Brewers hottie Geoff Jenkins, helped drive a stake through the heart of my Houston Astros on Sunday with a homerun. [It's hard to be angry when he's just so hot]

* New to the big show, hottie Hunter Pence got called up from Triple-A to claim a starting CF spot on the Astros roster this weekend just in time to get some great hits, a fabulous face-first slide… and to be part of a win and a loss to the Brewers. [Better get used to that losing feeling, Hunter]

* Texans turned Carolina QB David Carr still supports the Houston baseball boys, and was at the Astros game on Saturday to see Hunter’s premiere… as a guest of George HW Bush. [Wonder what conversation those two had during the game]

* Todd Walker, last seen being spurned by the evil Padres, has taken up the company line in Oakland quickly, and is now apparently the A’s number one cheerleader. I think he’s just happy to finally claim his rightful slot on the hottest roster in baseball. [Todd Walker + A's = Tru Luv 4ever]

View From Left Field Bleachers: Cubs-Cards

10 Things Overheard at Wrigley Field, Cubs-Cards Style

10. I hate you, Scott Spiezio!

9. Dunnn-cannn… Dunnn-cannn… Dunnn-cannn… You suck!

8. I need tee-pee for my Poo Holes, Alby.

7. Hey, Michael Barrett! Over here- this girl wants to do you!

6. Scott Spiezio, I know you like dudes! (same guy as #10)

The list continues after the jump- some foul language included, so those with delicate sensibilities beware.

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The Ref: Jinxed Edition

TOUCHDOWN: Alex Rodriguez
It has come to our attention, after Torii Hunter got pegged by a fastball to the face not long after he was featured here, that there may be a Ladies… curse. If this is the case, my heartiest congrats and well wishes go out to A-Rod, for his continued dominance in the “Mr. April” title race. Many happy (jinxed) returns, buddy.
[Baseball Analysts]
First he claims Schilling’s bloody sock was a fake. And now, that he’s gotten called on it, he’s backpedaling faster than you can say, “Schilling will eat you for breakfast” — and now claims that it was all a big misunderstanding. Sure it was. Why wouldn’t we believe exactly what you say, Gare-Bear?
[Over The Monster]
OFFSIDES: Nick Saban
Convert to the ways of the Saban. Resistance is futile. 92,000 Bammers have already paved the way, if spring game attendance is any indication. There are just a few simple rules you need to learn. 10 to be exact- you might even call them commandments.
[Digital Headbutt]
CLIPPING: Craig Biggio Haters
Leave my first baseball boyfriend alone. Quit wearing that pin on your hat for cancer kids, Craig! You’re getting old, Craig! I’m gonna plunk you with this pitch, Craig! Your poor production at the plate and horrible OBP remind me of Chase Utley, Craig! Give the guy a break- or he’ll bring the AARP down on you.
TIMEOUT: Sidney Crosby
Public service announcement: TSW and all other Sidney Crosby fans across the land would like me to solicit everyone (no, not in that way) to stop by and throw a few votes his way in the Time 100 voting. He’ll reward everyone by continuing to be ridiculously HOT.

I Was There: ND Blue & Gold Game

Oh, college football, how I’ve missed you. It’s been months since I’ve been able to breathe in your beautiful smell, a combination of chewed-up turf, sweaty linemen and smuggled bourbon, hear the sound of 200 band geeks playing Darth Vader’s theme or a drunk frat boy cussing out the coaches’ play calling, or watch my team take the field to battle for a chance to play in a faux-championship system for a mythical national championship title.

College football- you’re my first, my last, my everything. I may have a lustful fling with baseball every spring, and every two years I may run away for a few weeks with the Olympics, but baby, you gotta know you’re my number one. There’s no contest- you’re my one true love, and nothing else could ever really take your place.

Until we can meet up good and proper in September, darlin’- I will just have to make do with the wham, bam, thank you ma’am of a spring game. It’s not real football, there are no opponents and no victory on the line, but I’ll take what I can get. Baby, I’m so desperate for some of your sexy action, that I was actually worked up about seeing Clausen’s emu spikes. That should show you my devotion. It’s not Texas football, but it’s the best I can do up here in Chicago.

I love you, college football. Call me anytime.

(P.S. If you wouldn’t mind keeping those drunk texts I sent you from the tailgate to yourself, I’d really appreciate it)

(P.P.S. I’ve got all kinds of pictures of our short, but sweet, time together- you can relive it with me after the jump)

(P.P.P.S. If there’s any way you can get Colt McCoy the Heisman, and Tom Zbikowski to play with his shirt off, that would be great)

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Hump Day Hottie: J.J. Hardy

I was innocently watching the Cubs go into extra-innings (again) on Monday night, minding my own business. And then there was this:

Hello, J.J. Hardy. I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to meet you sooner, I had no idea the Brewers were keeping your level of talent hidden on their roster. I don’t even mind the scraggly hair, darlin’- because your baby blues are gorgeous. Lose the weird facial hair, and you would be pure perfection (as it is, you’re already a 9.999999 on the hott scale). Anyone up for a field trip to Miller Park?

More lovely JJ goodies after the jump… Continue reading

Hottie Hit and Run

* I’ve got blue and gold on the brain, which I blame entirely on Tom Zbikowski and his fantastically gorgeous body. In addition to looking lovely at this weekend’s spring game, it seems Tommy has gotten a tattoo. Don’t worry, like he said, “It’s not like I have some stupid barbed wire on my arm.” [I respectfully request a private showing]

* David Wright was quite the fashion plate this weekend, wearing his pants above the calf (which is the right way, I might add) to show off his brand new Wright cleats from Nike. [He really should compensate Metschick for wearing a "Wright" shirt to the game yesterday (talk about attention grabbing!)]

* With the NFL draft looming, let’s check in with Chicago’s favorite guy, Rex Grossman. Guess the Bears’ front office is as enamored with Rexy as most of the female population in the lower 48 (and certain Canadian provinces)- because there’s little chance they’ll draft a QB in the first round. [So there's plenty of the Sex Cannon to come]

* I like a guy with a bit of meat on his bones, but for patriotic reasons I must note that American runner Ryan Hall broke the US athlete’s debut time record this weekend at the London Marathon. [U.S.A.! U.S.A.!]

* Scott Podsednik has hurt his groin again, this time injuring himself on his day off. While doing agility drills. Normally, injuring a groin might indicate a guy has gotten extraordinarily lucky- but Scott’s injury history begs to differ. [Scotty, please protect that region a little more carefully. Love, the women of Chicago]

Bringing the Heat: Cincinnati Reds

There are certain baseball teams that are filled to the brim with hotties- the A’s, the Twins and the Phillies (and the Red Sox farm system). The Reds are most definitely not one of those teams. They’re not a roster full of fug, they’re just unremarkable in general. This means two things: there won’t be a lot of pretty scenery to look at Great American Ball Park (unless the visiting team brings some of its own), but it also means the Reds hotties will be that much easier to spot.

Let’s go on a hottie safari, Cincinnati style… Continue reading

The Ref

PERSONAL FOUL: Charlie Manuel
It must be spring- we’ve gotten the first baseball coach freakout on the media (in this case, radio host Howard Eskin). And what a spectacular freakout it was- complete with threats of physical violence. And, of course, there’s video.
[The 700 Level] & [Our Book of Scrap]
Early reports are that Oden, Daequan Cook and Mike Conley Jr. will all declare for the draft. Oden’s bye-bye is no surprise, but can Buckeye Nation survive the news that 3 of their guys are on their way out the door? Couches across Columbus breathe a collective sigh of relief.
TIMEOUT: Ryan Howard
In addition to cold-as-ice bats, and the crappiest bullpen around, the Phillies are now dealing with a Ryan injury. Fortunately for Phans everywhere, it’s not like he was adding a whole lot of production at the plate anyway. But what fun would a Phillies season be without constant disappointment?
[Babes Love Baseball]
ILLEGAL MOTION: Florida Gators
Contrary to what Keith Jackson tells us in that latest Gatorade commercial, it was Florida State, not Florida, that invented the sports drink. Shocking developments from the same state that brought you tha’ U. And the ’00 election.
[Loser With Socks]
TOUCHDOWN: Smoke Signals
With the looming possibility that college coaches may not be able to use text messages to bug the holy heck out of recruits, EDSBS examines alternate means of communication that will surely flourish in its wake. U NEED 2 COME 2 ST KTHX.
[Every Day Should Be Saturday]

Hump Day Hottie: Scott Rolen

I admit, I was a latecomer to the Scott Rolen Party of Hotness. Several of my friends who are Phillies fans swore by his hottie virtues, but I didn’t believe. A certain Cardinal-loving Lady… also spoke of his hottness, and still I wasn’t fully convinced. But after doing a little research (and by that, I mean “looking at lots of pictures of him”) I am here to say: boy is fine. He has the cutest little Indiana-boy grin you ever did see, not to mention a great butt and some nice-lookin’ guns. Also, he is flexible- see the middle picture below for proof. He was Mr. Baseball in high school, but was also 3rd place in the Mr. Basketball title as well (and in bball crazy Indiana, that’s saying something)- so he’s multi-talented. I’m fully converted to the way of the HotScott.

click on any of the thumbnails to see bigger versions

Baby Scott, back in ’95, with roommate Dan Held

If that wasn’t enough Scotty Ro-Ro goodness for you, follow the jump for a bunch more…

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Diamond Dolls – Tax Day Edition

Today’s that special day all of America looks forward to with giddy anticipation each spring- Tax Day! While not much happens on Tax Day that is any fun, it does give us a perfect opportunity to audit some of the latest happenings in college baseball. And just to brighten your world after those IRS-induced headaches, I’ve got pictures of a hottie from every team discussed.

Vanderbilt reigns atop the Top 25 rankings after going 3-1 last week, so the above-the-cut hottie honors go to Vandy catcher Shea Robin. Not only is he a Texan who wears my lucky number 17, his picture was the first that made me stop and take a second look. It’s that catcher’s build, I tell you.

More NCAA baseball goodness after the jump…

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Curse: Reversed

RIP Madden Curse, 1998-2007. You’ve left a slew of former greats in your wake: Marshall Faulk, Eddie George, Daunte Culpepper, Michael Vick, Donovan McNabb and Shaun Alexander. Well, no more- because much like Matt Leinart and the ’05 Trojans, you’re about to get shredded by Longhorn hottie Vince Young. He’s defeated much stronger opposition than you, including (but not limited to): Michigan, Oklahoma, USC, Ohio State, the NFL Draft, the Texans, the Colts, Merrill Hoge, communism, and evil everywhere… not to mention the SI Cover Jinx (six times). Farewell, Madden Curse! It’s been real, and it’s been fun- but it hasn’t been real fun.

Hit and Run

* It was a silver Sunday for Joe Mauer, who received the silver bat commemorating his 2006 AL batting crown in yesterday’s pregrame, with Rod Carew looking on. He also received his Silver Slugger award (along with fellow Twins hottie Justin Morneau). [If only they could have gotten him to accept wearing a silver loincloth]

* David Carr tells us something we already knew: the Texans don’t know what the hell they’re doing. [Getting shown up by Vince Young twice last year couldn't have been fun]

* The little Athletic that could, Marco Scutaro, comes out of nowhere with a three-run walk-off HR to beat the Yankees. Apparently, the A’s aren’t content with being the team with the most hotties in all of baseball, they’re looking to be the hottest team in all of baseball, too. [Marco Off The Pole-o]

* Jeremy Bloom is glad to be playing in Pennsylvania, which allows him to focus on football without all those pesky beautiful mountains and countryside getting in the way. [The ugly only makes him stronger]

* And what would a Texas Gal-penned Hit and Run be without a Pat Burrell update? A last minute road trip put me in Philly on Saturday to witness The Bat’s great protection of Ryan Howard at the plate, and his typical suckage on defense. [The Philly fans made it rain with boos for Pat] In related news, the Sabermetrics of Pat look positive – but Sooze and me are gonna rumble. (that was one bad picture, S!)

What’s more exciting than watching Pat flub another catch? 30 hot, hot rounds of NFL Draft action, courtesy of Awful Announcing and a big ol’ mess of sports bloggers. Fresh content every 15 minutes!

The Ref

Keep your “Pro vs. Con”. Colbert can have his “Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger”. We’re gonna reward points and penalties to people based on their genius decisions and boneheaded moves.

PERSONAL FOUL: Oklahoma Sooners
As the Sooners prepare for their day of reckoning with the NCAA tomorrow, 82 Sluggo Win goes inside the peace talks between Bomar and the Okies. Note: the NCAA had to hire special interpreters to translate from “Uneducated Hick” to English.
[82 Sluggo Win]
HOLDING: Jeff Francouer
Atlanta totally hearts Jeff, local boy done good. UmpBump wonders why- and compares him to your favorite underachieving asshole and mine, Pat Burrell. I’ll give you a hint as to why I think they love Jeff: he is really, unbelievably good looking. Isn’t that enough?
TIMEOUT: Brad Lidge
Lidge loses his closer role and is relegated to the bullpen as middle relief. The Big Picture listens in on a session with Lidge and his therapist. Lidge could have saved the money- even this armchair therapist can tell you all his problems can be attributed to the 1-2 punch of Pujols and Podsednik homers.
[The Big Picture]
A Mets fan gets injured after being hit by a flying object at Shea. A really large flying object. Like, a person-sized flying object. True to form, the always courtly Met fan ran away without apologizing or checking on the woman he nearly knocked out. Chivalry lives!
[Our Book Of Scrap]
Awful Announcing has gathered together a motley crew of sports bloggers to do our own mock draft, and show up all those punks who do that kind of thing for a living. 5 of the Ladies are joining in- and we may or may not make our picks based on how cute the guys’ butts are. We’re (man) handling the Rams, Steelers, Jets, Saints and Colts- any suggestions?
[Awful Announcing]