What if Jeter isn’t the only one with gift baskets?

Thank heavens for the New York Post. Without them, how would he know that Derek Jeter sends his single-serving ladyfriends away with gift baskets?

*not actually a true story

He used to give out t-shirts. True story.

But hey, trends spread like wildfire in baseball. By now, stars all around the game are in the post-booty gift basket game. Step into my office; I’ll show you the baskets I’ve been able to unearth so far.

Always a single red rose.

Jeter’s teammate Alex Rodriguez, being closest to the source of the trend, was the first to imitate it. He gives each new lady a limited-edition print of that one centaur painting, to remind him of their time underneath it, in his bed. The silk ribbon is the same silk as his sheets, so you can place them next to you on your pillow after you part ways. And the single red rose. A-Rod is such a romantic.

Too easy, sorry.

Josh Beckett doesn’t waste time with frou-frou ribbons on his baskets. He tried adding one once, but just ended up spilling beer and chicken grease on it, got sad about the first spilled beer and drank the rest of the case, wrapped his body in ribbon, then passed out with his head inside the box of chicken. The clubhouse attendant found him like that in the 8th inning. It cost Beckett 50 bucks to buy his silence. That was the end of ribbons in Boston.

Mauer Shauer Pauer

Joe Mauer may be engaged now, but when he was a bachelor one lucky lady reported to the Ladies… about this thoughtful basket. He includes many varieties of Head & Shoulders so that, no matter what your hair type or dandruff status, Mauer’s got your Shauer covered. In lieu of a traditional bow, the front of the basket features a pouf in a coordinating color. To round out the selection is a guide to each of Minnesota’s 10,000 lakes, on the shores of which Mauer owns 10,000 cabins.

Ethier knows what's up

Meanwhile, over on the West Coast, your happiness and well-being doesn’t end when you leave Andre Ethier’s  place. He leaves you with a yoga mat, with a drawstring bag so you can carry it to your favorite studio. Neatly tucked over the edge of the basket is the Flirty Apron you wore while you cooked with ‘Dre the night before. And no, that wasn’t an innuendo – the two of you sampled recipes from MLB Diamond Dishes. And now you have your very own copy.

11 thoughts on “What if Jeter isn’t the only one with gift baskets?

  1. I don’t recall telling you about the Mauer basket. That means two Ladies… readers have been with him? haha.

    No but seriously this post is fantastic. Made my day and I don’t even like baseball.

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  3. The Centaur Painting is, as far as I can recall, the greatest thing anyone in baseball has done since Bobby Valentine’s fake mustache. It is exactly the type of thing that should be done if one acquires anything near the obscene amount of money that he has. It is unbelievable that even when A-Rod does something undeniably amazing like this, it still goes unappreciated.

    Do Jeter’s gift baskets include a sample of Valtrex?

  4. Oh wow! I about peed myself! I am a Phils fan and had to post this on a fan page so we could all laugh at the idea of Jeter actually doing this. And A Rod and…whoever else you want to say hands out a post-coital gift basket!

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