So on my commute home, I decided to play around on Twitter, where I stumbled across this gem. How to Get Your Girlfriend Into Sports.
Now, leaving aside that the obvious answer to this time-honored problem of being a sports nut partnered with someone who doesn’t enjoy the old athletic display is to just date someone who likes sports. God, men (and women) of the world, if sports are important enough that you have to condition your partner into liking them, FIND SOMEONE WHO ALREADY LIKES SPORTS. Your partner is not a puppy. Don’t train them like one. God.
Let’s address this nonsense point by point, shall we?
1) Pick The Right Sport
This is semi-valid. I’m a baseball, soccer and football fanatic. Hockey? Basketball? Yeah, I got nothin’. But you know what? My husband loves hockey and basketball. Loves. But from the day he met me, he’s dealt with the fact that if he wanted to watch the Sixers or Flyers, he was on his own.
2) Teach Her the Game
Never talk down to her, but simplify the game on TV so that anyone could relate to it.
OH YES, PLEASE MANSPLAIN THE SPORTS TO US SILLY LITTLE WIMMINS. You know how I figured out baseball? I taught myself how to understand the box scores by looking in the paper every day and figuring shit out. I didn’t have to ask my daddy, because I’m not an idiot and neither is your girlfriend.
3) Tell Her Those Inspirational/Intriguing Back Stories That Normally Bore You
Did the force of the eye-roll I just issued shake a fault line by you? Because it should have. Oh, GOD, the sacrifices you’re going through programming your partner. Really. Sainthood isn’t enough.
4) Be Patient
Never roll your eyes, lose your cool or ignore her.
You know what? That’s good advice. Take it. But if a guide to getting your girlfriend to like sports needed to give you that advice? Your relationship has bigger problems than the fact that you’re stuck watching the Final Four on your own.
5) Go to a Live Game
Actually, don’t. Give me your tickets. I’ll take her. We’ll have more fun, because I don’t give a shit if she’s more interested in the Build-A-Bear in the concourse than the game, because my ass is okay with watching the game alone. Sensing a pattern?
6) Make sure the weather is nice
The next program in this list is ‘Learn to Control the Weather From Your Couch.’ (I need that one. If it snows again this month, I’m going to find El Nino and punch it in the face.)
7) Get good seats
Get up close, feel involved, or find the fan section where everyone gets into it without going crazy.
Find me a fan section that gets into it without going crazy and I will stop complaining about this stupid article right now. Go ahead. I’ll wait.
Yeah, that’s what I thought.
8) Make a night or day of it
Make the game part of a larger activity. Maybe she has some friends who are tailgating beforehand. Maybe you can go out to a nice dinner beforehand or walk around the neighborhood after. Add things throughout the day that you know she’ll like.
Maybe she won’t even noticed she’s been shanghaied! If you’re EXTRA lucky, maybe she’ll get tanked at the tailgate and spend the third quarter napping.
9) Get Her Sports-Liking Female Friends To Help
Because of course, her friends are interested in helping her change what she’s been interested in for as long as she’s known them. (Here’s a tip: I bet they accepted her non-sports-loving self a long time ago, and they love her anyway.)
10) Do Something She Wants To Do
You can always resort to compromising. If she still doesn’t want to go, and you really want her company, try negotiating doing something that you don’t want to do if she’ll go with the game with you.
*stunned silence* Okay, no, what? Really? This is what it takes to do something your girlfriend really wants you to do? ASS. This is the dumbest idea ever. The only thing that’ll happen is that you’ll both be miserable, and who doesn’t just love that?
Seriously, guys and gals. Either your partner likes sports or they don’t. You’re with them for a reason, so maybe focus on those instead of trying to change the one you’re with. And Jesus please us, if it’s that important to you, find a partner who digs on your interests. Stop trying to train one that doesn’t.
As an aside, when I was looking for a picture to use with this article, this little daisy came up. Several times.