Bad Baseball Beards: The True Threat to our National Pastime

Oh, Jayson.  No.

Oh, Jayson. No.

Dear Major League Baseball Players,

We need to talk.

I know we all like to make fun of the old school owners who forbid facial hair, and most of you can probably recite the relevant parts of The Simpsons softball episode by heart.  The baseball season is long, and  required uniforms can make it hard to find an outlet for personal expressions of style other than your hair.  (Or so I’m told by friends who went to Catholic school.)

Still, this beard thing is out of control this season. Minda tried to warn you last year that things were getting a little too scruffy in the chin region, but did you listen?

Jason Motte.  I think he has a face under all that, but I cant be sure.

Jason Motte. I think he has a face under all that, but I can't be sure.

No. No, you did not.

Now, I am not saying all of you have to be perfectly clean-shaven for every game.  It’s a long season, and sometimes you have a night game that goes to extra innings and a 1:00 pm start the next day and you just need to cut a few minutes out of your routine.  A little scruff can be appealing, actually, as can a neatly groomed beard.  But some of you reported to spring training looking like this:

Ryan Franklin in late February

Ryan Franklin in late February

Then apparently lost your beard trimmer between Arizona and St. Louis.

Franklin last week.

Franklin last week.

Of course, some of you just showed up to spring training with your beard in mid-season form.

Way to clean up for picture day, Danny Haren.

Way to clean up for picture day, Danny Haren.

I just don’t get it, guys. Is there a razor shortage?  Maybe major league clubs are cutting back on their toiletry budget to save money?  I know these tough economic times call for sacrifices, but surely you Red Sox could find a way to save money that doesn’t require us to look at these:

Love the hitting, hate the hair. (TM Crane)

Love the hitting, hate the hair. (TM Crane)

And attention, guys, a beard only on your jawline and neck is not attractive. Plus, that thing’s going to itch like crazy come July.  Corey Hart was smart enough to shave his off recently, but take this as an example of how not to wear a beard.

Sal Fasano, I … I kind of can’t believe a baseball player actually looks like you, but maybe if your moustache wasn’t so cartoonish I could take you seriously.

Seriously?  This isnt a new Sacha Baron Cohen character?

Seriously? This isn't a new Sacha Baron Cohen character?

But guys, the worst thing about all of these neckbeards and bushman beards and porn staches is that you’re starting to influence the younger players on your teams. Look at what you did to cute Daniel Murphy:

DANNY, NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Thankfully, he has since shaved.  You should do the same.  Before someone else gets hurt.

Much love,
Games Mistress

20 thoughts on “Bad Baseball Beards: The True Threat to our National Pastime

  1. Poorly groomed facial hair seems to appear most often on Sunday day games. I think its because they stay out late on Saturday night. I don’t mind a little facial hair, it depends on the guy. I prefer Paulie Konerko with a goatee than with out. But some of these guys need help

  2. I am loving Fasano’s ‘stache, only because it reminds me of State Trooper Giambi last season when he was still in pinstripes.

  3. Hate the beards – Ryan Franklin’s is wider than he is! I was pleased when Mike Jacobs shaved his pointy triangle – he went from looking like a douche to looking like a decent guy.

  4. I was once at a Yankee game during Sal Fasano’s short tenure with the Yanks. His picture came up on the big screen when he was at bat, and he was stache free in this particular picture. Halfway through the AB, a thick black line appeared above his lip.

    I’m not making this up. It was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen in my life.

  5. The thing on Franklin’s face (chin) is freaking taking over. Thanks for bringing that up. And Motte’s is a little crazy too.

  6. Oh, funny LaRue is in the pic, but his stache isn’t mentioned. But then again, it’s not as bad as the other two.

  7. Now while I’m a huge fan of the playoff beard and such, these so called baseball beards are not so good. Don’t get me wrong I love subtle scruff or a well trimmed goatee but some of these guys just look like they just rolled off the couch in their parents’ basement. And really, there can only be one Neckbeard! :)

    • I’m with you, TW. A little sexy “I-just-rolled-out-of-your-bed-this-morning” scruffiness is pure awesomosity, and playoff hockey beards might be a requirement.

      All I can do is think “Neckbeard NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”…gawd, I hate that guy.

  8. Ryan Franklin’s beard is weird. It kind of freaks me out. Sal Fasano’s makes me laugh. It is so over-the-top.

    They really need to put a stop to all this bad facial hair. It is not cute.

  9. Personally, I like the beards. Do you really want men to look like women? Also, facial hair has been making a comeback, starting with hipsters and spreading to other sections of society, and it seems that baseball players are riding the trend, if not ahead of it.

  10. If you don’t like beards you’ve obviously never had one between your legs. I would suggest trying it once and you’ll have a whooooole different perspective on facial hair.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s