So. That happened.
I’ll be up front about this. I’ve been a vocal Favre hater for more than a decade now. I rolled my eyes when Madden waxed rhapsodic about Favre’s status as a gunslinger. I groaned inwardly every time someone told me that he was a ‘man’s man.’ I hated the entire city of Green Bay for unleashing him on the world.
I hated him because he (and the Green Bay Packers) stomped all my beloved New England Patriots in Super Bowl XXXI, leaving college freshman Maggie slumped on her bed wearing an expression that looked…kind of like the expression in that picture, actually. I’m bitter, I have a long memory and I learned how to hold an old-fashioned Irish grudge at my Grandma’s knee.
I tell you this only so I can explain to you, Green Bay fans, that I understand how you’re feeling right now, or how you’re going to feel if he goes through with this and suits up for the Vikings. That white hot, fiery hatred? That urge to punch that picture at the top of this post repeatedly because you can’t get the real thing in your hot little hands? The indignant, righteous and strangely helpless fury? I’m with you. I’ve been there. Hell, I’m upset on your behalf.
See, I’ve long suspected that Favre was going to end up with a plaque in the ‘Dick Move’ Hall of Fame. (The man took a dive for Michael Strahan, for God’s sake. He did the ‘I’m going to maaaaaaaybe retire, maybe not, let’s talk about me some more’ dance so many times I think Peter King performs the steps in his sleep. The writing was on the wall, people.)
The question, though, is just who he’ll be joining in the semi-hallowed, but mostly tarnished ‘Dick Move’ Hall of Fame. Come for the self-indulgence, stay for the money-grubbing.
The closest thing this Lady…can come to as a brother-in-arms of a dick move this pure and this…dickish is the entirety of Roger Clemens’ (allegedly) storied career. To recap, from a slightly biased perspective: Brilliant initial success with the Red Sox, losing them a World Series with a ‘blister’ on his ‘hand’, dogging it in Boston, leaving Boston a washed up pitcher, signing with Toronto for the ‘chance to win it all’ failing to do so, signing with the Yankees, having a magical career resurgence, announcing his retirement and receiving the ‘Farewell Tour’ from the Yankees and baseball and…signing with the Astros the next season. And then doing the whole retiring thing again, only to…return to the Yankees. I’m pretty sure if you waved a dollar bill in front of him, he’d pitch for the Durham Bulls. (Actually, get on that, Durham. Man’s got some legal bills coming.)
A little further down the line, in the wing I like to call the ‘Look at me! Look at MEEEEEE!’ annex, we have Alex Rodriguez, who ‘accidentally’ ‘leaked’ his decision to opt out of the remainder of his Yankees contract as the Red Sox were mere innings away from clinching the World Series.
Just a few steps down from Rodriguez is the Founding Father of the annex, one Terrell ‘I love Me some Me’ Owens, who managed to talk his way out of a contract in San Francisco only to sign with Philadelphia and give countless humbled interviews about how he’d learned his lesson and reformed and was so very happy to be playing with Philadelphia, and then talked his way out of his Eagles contract the very next year. By the time he signed with the Dallas Cowboys (a move he clearly assumed would land him in the ‘Dick Move’ Hall of Fame) Eagles fans didn’t care, since they knew what he’d do to the Cowboys. To wit: He’s playing in Buffalo next year.
Just down the hallway over here, we have David Beckham. (His plaque was designed by Dolce and Gabbana and is mounted to the wall with screws made out of diamond. Please refrain from eating in this area, as Posh is watching.) This is the man who allowed himself to be publicly branded as ‘the man who brought soccer to America,’ who took millions of dollars from the Los Angeles Galaxy only to promptly get injured and spend his time hanging out with Tom Cruise. As soon as Europe came calling, though? Well, America was never going to care about soccer anyway.
There are more. There are countless more:
- Johnny Damon, for signing with the Yankees the year after the Red Sox won it all.
-Cal Ripken, for declaring his retirement, receiving a farewell tour from all of baseball, and…promptly declaring himself eligible for free agency.
-Bill Belichick, for running up the score against hapless defenses in a misguided effort to defend the Patriots from Tapegate.
-Chad Johnson, for changing his name legally to Ocho Cinco in a craven attempt to sell more jerseys, despite the fact that he couldn’t get the number 85 in Spanish correct.
The ‘Dick Move’ Hall of Fame is, sadly, ever changing and ever evolving. We want to know. Who’s in your ‘Dick Move’ Hall of Fame? Who do you think will be keeping Favre company on the sadder side of sports history? Let us know!
This post has been brought to you by the letters H, A, T and E.