The Dame’s Football Tour o’ Sex: Six Footballers I Know I Should Hate But Secretly Think Are Hot

Oh, I do hate you, Cristiano.

Oh, how I do hate you

Breaking news: I still hate Cristiano Ronaldo.

A few things today before I launch into my personal list of hatable/do-able footballers:

Arsenal v Liverpool - Sure, I’m a little bit peeved that Arsenal had to share the points with Liverpool this weekend but that’s besides the point here. The point is that I’ve always had this theory that Howard Webb just hates Arsenal. Always. Webb hates Arsenal. Remember the big Adebayor headbutt of incident at Tottenham last season? Guess who was refereeing? Webb. Remember that insane Chelsea-Arsenal brawl in ’07? Guess who was refereeing? Webb. He is either a crappy ref, hates Arsenal, or is just bad luck.

Jose Mourinho is still sexy – I just feel like that needs to be said. Everyone seems to have fallen off the Jose bandwagon lately and it’s not really fair. The man is still crazy and is also still crazy-hot. Not to mention that he continues to wear his overcoats and scarves with so much style that it’s not even funny. Just because he doesn’t coach in the Premiership any more doesn’t mean we have to stop perving on him, people.

Jose being undeniably sexy this weekend. He rocks the hell out of those scarves...
Case in point: Jose being undeniably sexy this weekend. He rocks the hell out of those scarves.

Six Footballers I Know I Should Hate But Secretly Think Are Hot

6. Cristiano Ronaldo

I probably don’t really have to explain this one since it’s so obvious. Cristiano needs to stop being such a girl, needs to stop over-gelling his hair, needs to stop being such an arrogant jerk, needs to stop tanning, needs to get a halfway decent girlfriend, needs a whole new wardrobe, and needs to stop playing for Man U. for me to ever really respect him as a person. Yet still, after all that, he’s still hot in that slimy way.

Really needs to stop being so godmaned sexy so I can get back to hating him.

Needs to stop being so goddamned sexy so I can get back to hating him.

5. Fernando Torres

I’ve spent two seasons hating on Torres like it was my full time job. Clearly, he’s a great player but as far as all the psycho fangirling goes, I’m not on board. I enjoy leering at half-naked Spanish men as much as the next girl but several things about Nando irk me: 1) He looks perpetually 14. I think it’s the freckles, I’m not quite sure. 2) He not only looks like a teenager but like a teenaged girl. He’s looks girly. He looks like a freaking girl, people. 3) I have issues with his hair. Always have. But… with all that said, I see flickers of hotness and I’m beginning to see them more often. Do you know how hard it is to spend two seasons mercilessly hating on a man and then, all of a sudden, realizing that you kind of think he’s cute. It’s brutal.

Now playing for reknown sfootballer retirement home/spa/a, Milan.

Now playing for renown has-been footballer retirement home, Milan.

4. David Beckham

I make absolutely no attempts to keep my love for David a secret so maybe he shouldn’t be a list but what the hey, right?  He looks great but as a player he’s everything I hate: played for Manchester United (one of my most loathed teams), even during his heyday he was way, WAY overrated, and is the biggest media whore of a footballer that has ever lived. Technically, I should hate Beckham.

So hot yet so annoying.

So hot yet so annoying.

3. Didier Drogba

Most people just love to hate him but I just flat out love him. Yes, he plays for the most obnoxious team in the world (hi, Chelsea fans!) but he is just so unbelievably sexy. Remember that asshole guy in middle school that you hated that used to hang out with all the other jock assholes. You and all your girlfriends would spend lunch-break gossiping about the latest stupid thing he did or said in history class or something. And despite all your girlfriends hating him and all his friends being jerks, you still had this crazy crush on him? Remember that guy? That guy is Didier.

This photo was taken during the 06 World Cup. Right around all the crazy Chelsea/Ashley Cole drama was going down. Did I enjoy this photo any less? No. Im SOOO going to to football hell.

This photo was taken during the '06 World Cup. Right around when all the crazy Chelsea/Ashley Cole drama was going down. Did I enjoy this photo any less? No, absolutely not. I'm SOOO going to to football hell.

2. Ashley Cole - No self-respecting Arsenal fan is ever supposed to admit that they ever EVER had a thing for Cashley but here I am… admitting. It was a long, long time ago. Before he went and stabbed Arsenal in the back, but yes, there was a point in time where I thought Ashley was pretty do-able. I’m also woman enough to admit that every now and then I get a bit nostalgic and think about the old days before Ashley became renowned for his douchy ways. Don’t you judge me!

I nearly lost my shit... and then I wanted him to take off his shirt. Am I bad person?

The Birmingham incident: I nearly lost my shit... and then I wanted him to take off his shirt. Am I bad person?

1. William Gallas

Yet another case of ‘no self-respecting Arsenal fan would admit this’. Most of the time I hate Gallas. I’ve spent most of his tenure at Arsenal with my jaw clenched cursing the day Wenger ever made him captain. But then there are moments were I feel almost benevolent towards him — turned on even. It’s weird and I never understood how or why. Then I read something at Run of Play that described his vibe perfectly:

“What makes him great, even if he’s loathsome, is that at the risk of self-immolating he throws himself harder and harder at the things that provoke him and threaten him. If he’s burning with the sense of being looked at, he demands a bigger crowd; if the pressure of even being on the team is knotting him up inside, he demands to be made captain.”

Although I hate Gallas, I kind of love his intensity even if it’s sometimes reckless and stupid. Come January, when he’s sold off to some Italian side, it’ll be great because I’ll be able to start liking him without having my heart jump up in my throat every time he says or does something stupid. I’ll  just shake my head and think ‘oh, Willy…you’ll never change!

9 thoughts on “The Dame’s Football Tour o’ Sex: Six Footballers I Know I Should Hate But Secretly Think Are Hot

  1. I second the girly teenager this on Fernando Torres. So much so that if he grew his hair to about shoulder length he would look exactly like one of the private school girls that takes my bus on the way home from work.

  2. I’m sorry, but the first two are so not hot. I like my men manly, thanks. But Beckham…in the Armani underwear ads…

    I gotta go.

  3. I love CRon (I am a ManU fan) and Fernando (I am a Liverpool fan), but yeah, I agree with everything you wrote about them. Esp. the part about Ronaldo’s wardrobe. He constantly looks like he bought out an Elton John fire sale.

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