This is one of those “learning the hard way” things. It should have been easy to see coming – no way I could maintain interest in a fantasy league with no real-life stakes for a whole season. But I’ve learned from my awful season in an ESPN Fantasy league, and I’d like to share my mistakes with you, so you can laugh at learn from them.
The seven easy steps into your league’s cellar are after the jump.
Before the season begins: Don’t take note of when your league’s draft is. If your commissioner tells you 20 times, ignore him 20 times, or confuse the draft date with some other element in your calendar. If you don’t know when the draft is, you’re ready for…
Don’t prerank any players; don’t be at the computer at all before or during your draft. Just let the computer do all the work for you. This ensures that you end up with four mediocre closers and like ONE decent starter, and not much better. And certainly no prolific hitters or OBP machines. If you hear one of your players’ names in the MVP discussion, you’re doing it wrong.
After the draft, drop any Pujolses you might have accidentally gotten, and pick up some guys whose place on the Big League roster isn’t certain. Be careful to avoid replacing these players when they are demoted to the minors.
Pick up players you like irrationally, rather than players who rack up the numbers your league demands. Why have a low-ERA, high-strikeout starting pitcher when you could have 5 months of Brian Bannister?
In June, trade away your third baseman and your utility player. Don’t replace them.
Forget your username and password for a few months. Mine was apparently “dinner33.” Yes, DINNER. wtf?
Don’t replace injured players, especially when they’re placed on the 60-day DL and Olney and Rosenthal are reporting they’re probably done for the year. Trust me; I know how this works. I currently have five position players and two starting pitchers on the DL (one of whom is Bedard, pictured before the jump). Some of them haven’t played in months.
Pick up a lot of Royals whose names are not Zack Greinke, Mike Aviles, or Joakim Soria. I had like 10 of those throughout the season, and it’s worked spectacularly to keep me far away from success.
This simple, 7-step method is time-tested and it WORKS. Maybe next season I’ll actually stick with my team and be able to share ways to win at this stuff, but what fun would that be?
One last note: The Royals are not in the AL Central basement right now. I need to say that now, while it’s still true…just in case. Just let me get it out of my system: SQUEEEEEE!
Ahem. Thank you.