How NOT to win at Fantasy Baseball (in 7 easy steps)

This is one of those “learning the hard way” things. It should have been easy to see coming – no way I could maintain interest in a fantasy league with no real-life stakes for a whole season. But I’ve learned from my awful season in an ESPN Fantasy league, and I’d like to share my mistakes with you, so you can laugh at learn from them.

Erik Bedard, part of the problem (see Step 6)

Erik Bedard, part of the problem. (see Step 6)

The seven easy steps into your league’s cellar are after the jump.

Before the season begins: Don’t take note of when your league’s draft is. If your commissioner tells you 20 times, ignore him 20 times, or confuse the draft date with some other element in your calendar. If you don’t know when the draft is, you’re ready for…

STEP ONE:
Don’t prerank any players; don’t be at the computer at all before or during your draft. Just let the computer do all the work for you. This ensures that you end up with four mediocre closers and like ONE decent starter, and not much better. And certainly no prolific hitters or OBP machines. If you hear one of your players’ names in the MVP discussion, you’re doing it wrong.

DO NOT WANT

DO NOT WANT. Or at least, not for this.

STEP TWO:
After the draft, drop any Pujolses you might have accidentally gotten, and pick up some guys whose place on the Big League roster isn’t certain. Be careful to avoid replacing these players when they are demoted to the minors.

STEP THREE:
Pick up players you like irrationally, rather than players who rack up the numbers your league demands. Why have a low-ERA, high-strikeout starting pitcher when you could have 5 months of Brian Bannister?

Sigh. I still love you, Banny.

Sigh. I still love you anyway, Banny.

STEP FOUR:
In June, trade away your third baseman and your utility player. Don’t replace them.

STEP FIVE:
Forget your username and password for a few months. Mine was apparently “dinner33.” Yes, DINNER. wtf?

STEP SIX:
Don’t replace injured players, especially when they’re placed on the 60-day DL and Olney and Rosenthal are reporting they’re probably done for the year. Trust me; I know how this works. I currently have five position players and two starting pitchers on the DL (one of whom is Bedard, pictured before the jump). Some of them haven’t played in months.

The now-DLed Carlos Guillen and Alex Rios, um, having a moment. How could I NOT use this picture?

The now-DLed Carlos Guillen and Alex Rios, um, having a moment. How could I NOT use this picture?

STEP SEVEN:
Pick up a lot of Royals whose names are not Zack Greinke, Mike Aviles, or Joakim Soria.  I had like 10 of those throughout the season, and it’s worked spectacularly to keep me far away from success.

Well, I guess you could add Greinke now, as he has been shut down for the season. Sigh.

Well, I guess you could add Greinke now, as he has been shut down for the season. Sigh.

This simple, 7-step method is time-tested and it WORKS. Maybe next season I’ll actually stick with my team and be able to share ways to win at this stuff, but what fun would that be?

One last note: The Royals are not in the AL Central basement right now. I need to say that now, while it’s still true…just in case. Just let me get it out of my system: SQUEEEEEE!

Ahem. Thank you.

This entry was posted in Miss Minda, MLB by Minda. Bookmark the permalink.

About Minda

I hail from Nebraska, and I like to take pictures. I love the Royals more than what the Surgeon General recommends (the recommendation, in case you need to know, is about 4.5 milligrams per day for persons of average height and weight).

8 thoughts on “How NOT to win at Fantasy Baseball (in 7 easy steps)

  1. I’m afraid I was guilty of number six for awhile, after I resigned myself to finishing in last place. Then I happened to notice I was NOT in last place last week and I added a bunch of hot (statistic wise) players to make sure I stayed that way. I’m hoping maybe to get all the way into 5th, which would push me past my brother.

    Also, go Royals! I need Mike Aviles to continue to hit.

  2. Pingback: How NOT to win at Fantasy Baseball (in 7 easy steps) | Randomblog blog

  3. GM, I too hope Mike Aviles continues to hit. Sometime I will have to ramble to you about why HIS success in particular is the coolest thing ever, and what he would inherit from me if I died suddenly.

  4. Totally off-topic, but I laughed out loud at the pic of Bedard. He’s looking at that baseball like “WTF do I do with THIS thing?”.

  5. Excellent advice! I’ll add 2 of my own fantasy tanking tips. I always take Jimmy Gobble, just because of his name. And I always take the very last player on the draft list, regardless of whether he’s ever pitched in the bigs or not. Oh, and this year I picked Mike Hampton. Boy did that ever backfire on me!!!

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