The Dame’s Football Tour o’ Sex: USA v England – Previewing the Hotness

Let’s get the bad stuff out of the way first.

My boys threw away a 70th minute lead in DC this weekend giving away two goals in one and a half minutes. The ridiculosity began when Marvel Wynne earned DC a penalty by laying a foolish two-handed shove on Quaranta. Robert was also red-carded in extra time for reasons I still don’t quite understand.

The point is Toronto’s undefeated streak is over therefore I shall boo-hoo my way ’til Saturday.

[Dame’s note: And they damn well better win tonight. Toronto play the USL’s Montreal Impact at the newly minted soccer-specific Stade Saputo in Montreal today for CONCACAF Champions League qualifying. MLS won’t even have to try to manufacture – *cough* Columbus *cough* – a rivalry out of this one; it’s crystal clear: I’m Torontonian thus I hate the Habs thus I can easily learn to hate any other Montreal team.]

Now onto the the Yanks who are set to play England at Wembley tomorrow.

Benny will not be bringing the hotness to London unfortunately. Injuries suck.

Hotness helps the Dame decide who she’ll support after the jump…

Ladies… will, of course, be watching/leering/perving/what have you. We’ll be live-blogging the match over at my heezy – This Is Extra Time – at 12PM PST/3 PM EST. You should join us.

England have a brilliant new non-English speaking coach in Fabio Capello and geriatric-Becks is still playing for ‘em.

[Dame’s note: Your 70 yard goal can kiss my ass, by the way.]

As for the Yanks, this match could be the next step in the evolution of American soccer. At least that’s what all the smarty pants journos are saying. Playing England (yes even if they’re a bit crap) is important blah blah blah. Everyone’s waiting on you Baby Bradley.

The other Ladies will surely be rooting for their home team but as the resident Canuck chick, I’m sort of caught in the middle here. Should my allegiance be to the crown (commonwealth shommenwealth) or to Carlos Bocanegra’s hot ass?

It’s a difficult predicament to be in.

As I always say: When you don’t know what team to root for let the hotness decide.

So go on hotness, be my guide.

Who should the Dame support on Wembley Wednesday?


England v USA – Hotness v Hotness:


Goalkeepers a.k.a. Obvious Choice

For England: David James

For USA: Tim Howard

Hotness says: David James. I’ve been crushing on David James since the beginning of time so this one’s easy.

Right Back a.k.a. Thank God Neville’s Gone

For England: Wes Brown

For USA: Steve Cherundolo

Hotness says: Wes. Not sure why but the red hair has always intrigued me.

Centre Back a.k.a. Cornrows

For England: Rio Ferdinand

For USA: Oguchi Onyewu

Hotness says: Gooch. I love that big Yank. He does angry stare downs so well and I love the angry stare downs (see: Drogba). And for the record, even though neither baller cornrows their hair anymore, I always thought the braids looked better on Gooch. I was a little sad when he took them out.

Centre Back a.k.a. They Both Did a Lot of Crying This Week

For England: John Terry

For USA: Carlos Bocanegra

Hotness says: Carlos. Every. Single. Time. Never mind Fulham, babe. And spitting on people earns you the England captaincy, apparently.

Left Back a.k.a. Anyone But Cashley

For England: Ashley Cole

For USA: Heath Pearce

Would you look at me sneaking Benny in all over the place? Heath’s on the left.

Hotness says: Heathie. He’s beautiful. And right back at ya, Cashley. You deserve to be fried in fartjuice. I can’t even look at a photo of you without barfing up a lung.

Right Midfield a.k.a. He’ll Use a Cane If He Has To

For England: David Beckham

For England: David Bentley

For USA: Landon Donovan

Hotness says: Beckham. Bentley’s likely to get the start – quite rightly as well; I like Bentley – but ya’ll know Becks will have to pop onto the pitch just to say hey. And how can I not pick Becks? Douche-ovan = grossness.


Centre Midfield a.k.a. Not Legal

For England: Steven Gerrard

For USA: Michael Bradley

Hotness says: Baby Bradley. Bradley can’t even legally drink in the States yet. That’s okay though – he can come up my way. I’ll get him liquored up and have my way with him. The floofy-gorgeous hair in that photo’s all gone now, by the way.


Centre Midfield a.k.a. Mo Better Start

For England: Frank Lampard

For USA: Maurice Edu

Hotness says: Maurice. Duh. Mo’s lovely, gorgeous and plays for Toronto. Lampsy – beautiful as he may be – annoys me to no end.

Centre Midfield a.k.a. Depends On the Weather

For England: Owen Hargreaves

For USA: Ricardo Clark

Hotness says: Owen. Look at his flowy gorgeous curly hair! Hopefully it doesn’t rain though – Owen’s hair doesn’t look so good in the rain. It’s also getting a bit unruly.

Left Midfield a.k.a. Joey

For England: Joe Cole

For USA: Damarcus Beasley

Hotness says: Joe Cole. No contest.


Striker a.k.a. This One’s for Andrea

For England: Wayne Rooney

For USA: Clint Dempsey

Hotness says: Clint. Deucey will likely get the start up front because of English experience and all that but Bradley might partner him with Landon: EWW. Landon’s 100th cap can kiss my ass. Rooney looks like Shrek so he’s immediately out of the question.

Striker a.k.a. Children

For England: Theo Walcott

For USA: Jozy Altidore

Hotness says: Walcott. Can I adopt him?

England wins 6 match ups; the Yanks win 6 match ups. Looks like I’m a real neutral guys.

Unless Benny wants to skip over to my place and help convince me to support his side.

What do you think, Ben? We could watch the match together; I could help nurse you back to health.

Or we could not watch the match and do other things.

Like play scrabble.

11 thoughts on “The Dame’s Football Tour o’ Sex: USA v England – Previewing the Hotness

  1. Thanks for the lovlieness – hello David Bentley!! And Donavan looks so frikkin gay in that picture – hate him! I enjoy booing him when he comes to KC.

  2. Should my allegiance be to the crown (commonwealth shommenwealth) or to Carlos Bocanegra’s hot ass?

    Hot ass, hot ass, hot ass!

    And I love this post.

  3. Great post….thanks for educating me on the hotties of soccer…Used to be a Landon fan back in the day (blond hair)….now I like the international flavor of football…Caliente!

  4. “He should be fried in fartjuice”
    HAHAHA. Laughed out loud, alone, in my apartment. Excellence all around!

  5. @ KCMichelle – You’re welcome. Bentley is a beauty. There were so many douchy Landon pics – it was hard to choose.

    @ Tuffy – Don’t play with me like this, homes. He’s not going to be there? Sweet Jesus let it be true!

    @ SA – I know, it’s totally unlike me to not immediately go with the hot ass isn’t it? But you know, I try to be deep sometimes and stuff.

    @ Kris – No! Steer clear of Landon from now on. He is pure creepola.

    @ MC – Fry himmmmmm!!!! I’m still mad at SA for including him in the Champions League Final HDH. How DARE she?

  6. Dame, this was a fabulous piece! Hilarious! One thing though: I would choose Bentley over Beckham in the hotness factor. What was your reasoning when you chose Becks?!!

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