Winning the Lottery, One Basketball Player at a Time

Look, okay. We’ve already established that I’m a bad basketball fan. I get it! I try, I really do. But when my two choices to watch are Lakers/Spurs and Celtics/Pistons – when the closest thing to an exciting young team to root for is the Lakers – well, it’s enough to send any fan into wait-til-next-year mode. And who’s waiting for next year the most? Well, the team that won the lottery, of course:

Those two ever-so-friendly-looking young men at the top of the post are Michael Beasley and Derrick Rose, the two players in contention for the number one pick. The question for the Bulls is: which of the two players is better for their team? But the question for us, of course, is: which of the two boys is hotter? Both questions are difficult to answer, for essentially opposite reasons. An attempt to answer them, as well as a bonus seven-foot-tall-Puerto-Rican-twin-with-a-girl’s-name, after the jump. And also Corey. Just because.

There may or may not be a difference between who the Bulls should pick and who they will pick. In his four years as Chicago’s GM, Pax has drafted Kirk Hinrich, Ben Gordon, Luol Deng, Tyrus Thomas, Thabo Sefolosha, and Joakim Noah in the first round. Good picks, all, generally speaking. However, those names seem a lot less strong after the horrendous season the Bulls had, both on and off the court. But that season’s problems have been enumerated multiple times and by many writers, several of whom are better and more informed than I. The point now is to look to the future, and find future leaders and, most importantly, future scorers. Because, nine out of ten experts agree*: scoring more than your opponent is the best way to win. And the Bulls were, well, they were kind of bad at that.


Gratuitous shirtless young Chicago Bull. I mean, not gratuitous. This is totally related.

The sum total of all that good drafting is a lot of good young players that can not, for the life of them, score. Also can’t get along, which is another story. They’re the youngest team in the league right now and, despite being picked by many to reach the Eastern Conference Finals, they played like it last season. Their young big players – Tyrus Thomas, Joakim, Luol Deng to an extent – are promising, but unproductive. Their young veteran guards – Ben Gordon, Kirk Heinrich – are talented, but disappointing. After the trade that got rid of Big Ben Wallace and brought Larry Hughes and Drew Gooden to Chicago, the team posted a .500 record, so there’s another guard and another big. With all this supposed talent, what do they need? (Other than a good coach?) Simply put: they need an upgrade at guard, and they need a strong power forward. The pick depends, then, on which they need more. The rundown:

Michael Beasley is 6’8″ and strong. There are, in fact, unconfirmed reports that he eats babies. He had absurd numbers, and to say he dominated in college is to make a massive understatement . He’s a brilliant scorer, which is obviously a good thing, but not much else – he’s built like LeBron and is capable of scoring like him, but lacks his passing ability and, yeah, sheer awesomeness. Though he does have a little.

Not to say the boy lacks star power – despite “character issues”, and choosing to play at Kansas State, he has it in quantity. Therefore, my predictions: one, that he will either be a transcendent star, or that he will be just a very, very good second-tier power forward; the second seems to me more likely. And my second prediction: that the Bulls will pick him. Because he’s the bigger player, and that’s how these things work.

Derrick Rose is 6’4″ and the best there is at what he does. In college, anyway. He helped bring Memphis to the championship game. The question with him is the same as with Beasley, albeit minus the “character issues” – whether he’ll be a truly great player, or whether he’ll be simply good. The distinction between the two is thin, in the NBA. But the fact remains that, though he’ll probably not be Chris Paul (nobody but Chris Paul is), he is a very, very good point guard. And that’s, to put it mildly, a good thing to have.

While Beasley would fill a relatively empty position with the Bulls, Rose would instead mark a dramatic upgrade. Now, I love Kirk Hinrich. I really do. This is generally a non-play-related love; I just think he’s hot, in a weird kind of way. I also think that he’s a very good player, that the Bulls have him playing out of position, and that Derrick Rose could likely be a drastically better point guard for them. Much as I love Ben Gordon and Kirk (and Duh and Larry), they made themselves expendable this season by their terrible shooting and poor leadership. Though the adjustment period into the pros is greater for guards, I think that in the long term Derrick Rose could prove to be a very valuable asset to the Bulls, one with greater effect than the points he scores. For that reason, I think the Bulls should pick him. But, for the reason listed earlier – that they’ll take Beasley. I don’t know, it’s GM logic, don’t ask me.

But here’s the question that you probably slogged through all that to have answered: which one is hotter? Well, it’s a complicated issue. While it’s difficult to pick between them in terms of basketball because they are both so incredibly talented, it’s as difficult to choose between them in terms of attractiveness because, well. They’re both kind of, uh, well…mean-looking. But you know me, Ladies and gentlemen – I seek only the best representations to lay before your eyes. Therefore, I will let you choose for yourself which of the two is more attractive.

First up: Beasley! I can’t decide if he’s ugly or lovely. I think both.


Om nom nom…what? Him, not me.

He certainly has an interesting face.


Okay, “pretty” wins out.

And now: Derrick Rose! He’s kind of awkward, yet handsome. They both totally look like the nineteen-year-old boys that they are, so, you know, that may be a problem for you, I don’t know.


Yeah, yeah, cute…oh, my. Holy deltoid, Batman.


Shown here with Chris Douglas-Roberts, also very talented, also very handsome.


Aww, don’t be sad, woobie!

So, ladies and gentlemen, it comes down to this:

What do you think? Thunderdome? Yeah, I’m thinking Thunderdome too.

Now, I promised you SFTPRTWSHAGN (™), and here’s why: when Chicago has made their pick between Rose and Beasley, and Miami has picked up the one they leave on the board (they are hoping to high heaven that Chicago picks Beasley, trust), the third pick goes to the Minnesota Timberwolves. And this may be in contention after workouts – and depending on whether they choose based on need or talent – but the best player to be had at the third pick is likely to be Brook Lopez.

A brief rundown on Brook: he’s the more offensive-minded of the Lopez brothers, and therefore obviously better. (I may or may not have a crush on Robin Lopez, and therefore may or may not be biased.) He’s 7′ and agile, and tough. All in all, a very good player. Hey, Corey, how do you feel about having a skilled seven footer on your team?

Yeah, like the good old days! Back when your team actually won games and you were warmer. See, Brook’s like Joakim, but less annoying quieter. And tougher. And scores more. Like if Al and Joakim had a skinny, broad-shouldered, seven-foot-tall, slightly-funny-looking baby with fuzzy hair/silly facial hair. Wait, that could actually happen.

Rly! Y’all could win some games with this kid!

So cynical, so young…it’s sad what Minnesota will do to a man.

Anyway. Right. Brook Lopez: he’s cute, in his way.


Cheer up, emo Cardinal!

Eh, I still like Robin better.

I wonder why that is?

Cute, right? I don’t know, I think he looks smarter, somehow.

In conclusion: The Bulls should take Rose, but will probably take Beasley; the Heat really, really want them to take Beasley, because the Heat really need a good point guard; regardless, we all win in the cute boys draft; Corey Brewer is filled with wretched ennuis in the frozen wastelands of Minnesota, but he can go parka-shopping with Brook; and Robin may be drafted later than Brook (and they may be identical), but he’s way cuter. And, as we all know, that’s what’s important.

*the tenth expert is Jeff Van Gundy, obviously.

14 thoughts on “Winning the Lottery, One Basketball Player at a Time

  1. Despite that unflattering photo of Beasley at the top, I’d pick him for his eyes. I think Rose is flat-out ugly.

    *I thought maybe that tenth expert was Lou Lamoriello

  2. I’m really torn about this. I have a weird attraction to Beasley. I am strangely drawn to him. But Rose is much more photogenic, and hence searching for photos of him only increases my liking.

    Oh, and I’m all for the gratuitous shirtless photos, as long as they are NOT of Joakim Noah! AND THAT IS CLEARLY JOAKIM NOAH! Look at the Hair, La, that had to be your first indication. Ugh, he annoys me and he is unpleasant to look at, and he caused major problems for the Bulls this year. And his mother is listed as a former “model”, sorry but bitch is busted. I really really dont like Joakim (how does one pronounce that, huh? Not Wa-keem like normal people, but Jo-kim?? Seriously, WTF, I hate him) Noah.

  3. Oh and Micheal Beasley is 6’9”, La, generously listed at 6’10” by some sites. Not 6’8”. Why don’t you just call him a midget and get it over with!

  4. mistresschristina, i was gonna say something about that, but i forgot…thanks for reading my mind.

    /also is repulsed by Jo Kim

  5. That makes me sad, because I love him a lot. ;_; I would even if he wasn’t a Gator, and even if he wasn’t such a great guy when I met him – I don’t know, I guess it’s just a matter of taste. Rather than irritate me, his enthusiasm and goofiness makes him endearing. One person’s amusement and indulgence is another person’s annoyance and hatred, I guess? And plz to not be calling his mother a busted bitch. Because that’s not cool.

    Rivals.com said he was 6’8″ when I checked. Maybe he grew.

  6. I did not call her a busted bitch, I saaaiiiiddd “bitch is busted”, bitch being used as a slang term for woman, and not in any way a derogatory comment on her personality, cuz I’m sure she’s lovely. But she IS busted.

    http://weblogs.newsday.com/sports/football/ncaa_blog/noahmom.jpg

    /probably just didn’t age well…

    Ugh, you made me search for more pics, and she did used to be hot. I thin it’s just the aging. Also his sister is gorgeous.

  7. I seriously was crying when I heard the Bulls got the first round pick, I was so excited. I think both boys are sexy so I’ll be a happy camper either way. I just hope that whoever the Bulls end up picking is able to fix our poor team.

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