Weekly Rankings: We’re #2! We’re #2! We’re #2!

1^st place: Diamondbacks at 21-10. Up until last night, they hadn’t reached double digits in the loss column. For 5 weeks of play, that’s pretty damn good. Brandon Webb, Dan Haren and Micah Owings are beasts. Micah Owings also keeps pinch-hitting, just like Adam Wainwright does for the Cardinals. Those two can pinch-hit me. (wait…what?) The Snakes are about to have 4 games at home with the 6^th-ranked Phillies and then have 3 on the road against the 4^th-ranked Cubs. That’s pretty brutal, but I predict they go 5 for 7.

Dan Haren is so much cuter when he’s clean-shaven.

2^nd place: Cardinals at 20-12. The Other Shoe is firmly in my hand. Hopefully it won’t drop any time soon. Thankfully the Cards 8-game road trip starts with 4 against the Rockies, so hopefully we can get some momentum before Milwaukee.

3^rd place: Angels and Red Sox at 20-13. The Red Sox are about to go on a 10-game road trip. Hahaha. Hope you enjoyed your spot at the top. The Angels have their own 6-game road trip. I’m fairly “meh” regarding the AL West but…so are most of their fans.

5^th place: Cubs at 18-13. 10 of their next 13 games are against the Reds, Padres, and Pirates. That blows.

6^th place: Athletics at 19-14. See Angels above.

7^th place: Phillies at 18-14. A 4-game series at the Dbacks oughta knock these guys back a few spots.

8^th place: Mets at 16-13. After 3 games at the Dodgers, the Mets have 7 games at home against the lowly Reds and Nationals. Even if the Dodgers series leaves them at .500, they’re in good shape going into mid-May.

They can step right up and greet me…

9^th place: Marlins and Dodgers at 17-14. I’m enjoying the Marlins’ hanging around, even if it is only May 5^th. After 3 with the Brewers, they have a 7-game road trip against the Reds and Nats. Just like the Mets, even if the Marlins drop all 3 to the Brewers they’ll still be in good shape. The Dodgers are on a nice little tear, 8-2 over the last 10 games. And they are STILL 4 games out of first place. Holy crap, Dbacks.

11^th place: Twins at 16-14. The Twins are riding a 5-game winning streak into Chitown, where they take on the flailing White Sox who are on a 5-game losing streak. That crazy AL Central!

12^th place: Rays, Orioles, Brewers at 16-15. The Rays and Orioles have lost their last 3 and 2, respectively, to fall 3 games out of first behind the Red Sox. The Rays get the BJs and the Angels, Orioles get As and Royals, so they’ve each got a good ‘un and a bad ‘un coming up. The Brewers, after delightfully taking 2 of 3 from the Cubs, got swept by the freakin’ Astros. Their next 7 games are Marlins and Cardinals and, after the loss of Gallardo, the Brewers might be in the midst of a tailspin.

15^th place: Yankees at 17-16. The Yankees were nice and settled in the AL East basement until they swept the Mariners. Freakin’ Mariners.

16^th place: Astros at 16-16, Braves at 15-15. The Astros just clawed back to .500 by sweeping the Brewers. The NL Central is once again going to be a very interesting division. And by “very interesting division” I might mean “horrible fiery carwreck of a division.” Jury’s still out. The Braves also just had a 3-game sweep to get to .500, but they did it against the Reds. Might as well have done it against a little league team. They get two more little league teams this week in the Padres and Pirates. They could very well be 21-15 by next week’s rankings.

18^th place: White Sox at 14-15. 5-game losing streak. Twins coming to town. 10-game road trip after that. It doesn’t look great for the Pale Hose.

Crede!

19^th place: Blue Jays at 15-17. The Blue Jays are riding a 4-game winning streak, but they have the Rays coming to town. This year that actually means something. They then also have a 10-game road trip. Poor Blue Jays. They’d be 3^rd in the AL Central, AL West or NL West. But they are last in the AL East.

20^th place: Royals at 14-16. The Royals are home for the next 10 games. Maybe they can get back to .500 by May 15^th. I think the last time that happened, I was eating paste.

21^st place: Indians at 14-17. 4 of the 5 AL Central teams are sub-.500. They are all with 3 games of 1^st place. Weak.

22^nd place: Tigers, Nationals, Giants at 14-18. Just a couple of weeks ago the Tigers and Nats were fighting over the “hind tit.” Now look at them! Better than 7 whole teams! WAY TO GO, GUYS! The Giants have been hovering around 20^th-21^st for a couple weeks now. Tim Lincecum has an ERA Of 1.49 despite having a loss and a no-decision in his last two starts. Seriously, that kid is amazing. Too bad he can’t play for a team that doesn’t suck.

This one’s for you, SA!

25^th place: Mariners and Rangers at 13-19. What’s that? The AL West you say? Next.

27^th place: Pirates and Rockies at 12-19. They are 7 and 9 games out in their respective divisions. And this is the second week in a row they have been ranked together. The Rockies should be ashamed of themselves. Cilice belts all around!

29^th place: Reds and Padres at 12-20. The Reds? Yeah. The Padres? Wow.