NBA MVP Race Run-Down

Mistress Christina here. So this is my first, of which I am sure will be many, basketball-centric post. Be kind.

NBA MVP race. Four consensus candidates. All viable. How to choose? Now I know this has been discussed (ad nauseum in some cases) but I feel that most traditional sports writers have failed to judge the MVP candidates on one all important factor: HOTNESS. I mean really. If I’m going to give out my vote for MVP, it’s not going to a troll! So lets get this party started.

4) Kevin Garnett. Boston Celtics (18.8 points, 9.2 rebounds, 1.3 blocks)

Obviously a legitimate contender. People have always known KG was the real deal, he just needed some help to show how awesome he could truly be. (Who would have thought that quality players wouldn’t want to go/ stay in Minnesota?) Look at what he’s done for the Celtics. At the least? His very presence has been a catalyst whereby the Celtics have gone from bottom of the barrel of crap in the East to having a seriously real shot at winning the whole stinking thing. At best? Well go to ESPN and the Simmons can wax poetic for you. (Quick preview: KG = God.)

BUUUTTT, on the Hotness scale. He is not getting my MVP vote. Why? The goatee. Seriously KG? WTF is that?? It looks like he’s trying to grow it out so he can braid it, ancient Egyptian-style. I just want to grab that gnarly little tuft and cut it off with scissors. He is a good looking man overall, but anyone who thinks scraggley facial hair is a good idea cannot be deemed HOT in my book. So while you may have single-handedly saved a floundering Boston franchise, NO MVP FOR YOU.

3) Kobe Bryant. Los Angeles Lakers. (28.3 points, 5.4 assists, 6.3 rebounds)

The Mamba is one of the all around best players in the league and has been for a while. Pros: High scoring average per game (although it is down from the past 2 seasons). When he feels like it, Kobe can light it up like you’ve never seen. Umm according to NBA.com career stats Kobe once dropped 81 freaking points on the Toronto Raptors (1/22/06). WTF? How is that possible? If that was this year, he would have this MVP thing locked down. Period. Did he even win it that year? WHAT? Steve Nash won?? Did Steve Nash ever score 81 points a game? No? Then why did he win?…… I digress. Kobe hasn’t quite reached 81 points in one game this season, although he does have 2 with 50+.

It seems that Kobe has misplaced his clothing… Personally, I’m very okay with this.

Cons: Well there’s the whining, complaining and the glaring. The demanding to be traded. The bashing of his teammates. The playing at a sub-par level just to prove a point. Oh and the not raping of girls in Colorado. I know. I know. Low blow. But at the very least he is admittedly not faithful to his wife, the mother of his 2 children. And honestly I do not want to be able to say that my MVP probably did not rape a girl in Eagle, CO. Plus I feel that someone who is as gifted as Kobe should play his brains out every night, just to show that he can. Why wouldn’t you? Yeah the Lakers might not have gotten you all the help you want, but then again maybe you should have squashed your ego and not chased Shaq out of town!

2) LeBron James. Cleveland Cavaliers. (30.0 points, 7.9 rebounds, 7.2 assists)

Sports journalists love LeBron. Apparently he’s the basketball Jesus with no talent ceiling keeping him from jumping right over Kobe, while Kobe jumps over an Aston Martin, on his way to his rightful place in the eternal hall of fame kingdom. I can’t really agree or disagree with the LeBron love. Why? I just don’t care.

I think this is his official “King James” pose.

He plays in Cleveland, has very little back up talent (although I have a real soft spot for Sasha Pavlovic. Mmmm.), and well the Cavs have only recently become a team that can actually reach the playoffs. I think LeBron could really shine if he had another legitimate All-Star on his team. Someone to help carry the load. Someone to have fun with! It can’t be easy for other Cavs to play the Pips to LeBron’s Gladys Knight (uhh or some more relevant analogy). I don’t think that LeBron is going to win the MVP until people can honestly say they think that the team he plays for can win the Championship. That is not the Cleveland Cavaliers this year. So King James is not my MVP.

1) Chris Paul. New Orleans Hornets. (21.1 points, 11.6 assists, 2.7 steals)

I really like Chris Paul. IMO he’s the best looking man on this list. I mean look at how cute he is! Also, I’m kind of an ACC homer, and he went to Wake Forest. (And according to Wikipedia, he punched an NC State player in the junk. No complaints here.) Now I know the Hurricane Katrina angle has been done to death, but seriously, he plays for the New Orleans Hornets! Look at what that poor team has gone through! That poor city! Way to tug at the heart strings for a vote, N.O. I was going to give him my vote based on hotness alone. KG does nothing for me. Kobe is not a rapist. LeBron I am only semi-attracted to. But Chris Paul… Well to be honest I would have hated him when he was in college because I go to UNC, but he’s one I would have grudgingly hated/loved. Like I hate you, but I would still do you. Hate sex is hot. HE is hot.

But what really won me over was that I watched the Hornets play the Mavericks on Saturday night. The Mavs had a 12 point lead at the half and overall were playing much cleaner ball than the Hornets. Then it was like Chris remembered he is running an MVP campaign. “11 points a game just isn’t going to cut it. Why don’t I put up 24 this half? 35 points sounds good. How bout 10 assists as well. Might as well help these other kids put some on the board.” The Hornets, as you all know, won 104 – 92. One could say that the difference between these two teams is that one has a legit MVP contender. The other has the OUTGOING MVP, who wouldn’t have won that award had voting been extended into the post season. Chris Paul > Dirk Nowitzki. CHRIS PAUL FOR MVP!!!

Dishonorable Mention: Dirk Nowitzki

(23.6 points, 8.6 rebounds, 3.5 assists) As I mentioned in my semi-rant above, what the heck has happened to Dirk?? He collapsed in the post season last year, helping the Mavs lose in the first round to the Cinderella Golden State Warriors. Didn’t he also spend the off season doing his best Dave Chappelle and going a bit nutso in Australia? Anyways, the real reason that Dirk never should have won the MVP, other than the overratedness (Kobe average 31 points last season; Dirk averaged 25), is that he’s totally not cute. I mean seriously. He’s so creepy looking! One should not give the MVP to a player that makes my eyes hurt. (That might just be the 3 beers and the Unisom I just took, but either way my eyes hurt when I look at him!) His teeth are gigantic! He looks slightly anemic. I don’t know. Ugh. I should stop. I’m sure Dirk is a lovely person. I’m sure he has a GREAT personality. He has to. That’s what you have to develop when you are this unattractive… :)

I would like to give a big shout-out to the unflappable Lady Andrea for taking all my idiotic wordpress questions and not making me feel like a total retard! You’re the best. I promise I will be a big girl and do it by myself next time!