Independence Bowl Poetry Slam: A lot of tongue and no cheek.

shreveport.jpg I jumped to cover the Independence Bowl based on the wide margin of hate available. Nowhere else in the 2007 postseason is a team that’s been such a large part of my life (Colorado and the MAJESTIC BUFFALO) facing a team I so loathe (Alabama, and the presence of Saban in Tuscaloosa is only exacerbating things). The prospect of a lovely pink soapbox from which to broadcast my everlasting disdain for the Crimson Tide was a delicious one. I had planned to award these guys some sort of medal.

And then I read Spencer Hall’s Sporting News column on the matchup. And he took (seriously, seriously mild) shots at Shreveport. And the people of this fine metropolis rose up, pitchforks in hand, to write their Congressperson ululate about it on the internet, which fixes everything, and that’s about where the trouble started. As one commenter put it,

The Independence bowl was only singled out because if you say POULAN WEEDEATER BOWL out loud, it’s kinda funny. What is certain, though, is that people in Shreveport are passionately proud of their city and their culture, and they are just a bit touchy. A bit. Touchy….

As an added bonus, several clever trolls figured out how to make LARGE!RED!LETTERS! in their comment boxes. It was positively FanHousian. And it was time to bring back the Poetry Slam.

Standard disclaimer: I swear, I did not make any of these up. Original spelling, grammar, and punctuation have been preserved. All [sic]s implied.


My stars above!
Chivalry is dead.
A little tongue and cheek
is a fun thing.
But, all I saw in this blog
was a lot of tongue
and no cheek.

Okay
Oscar
you took your typical trash
a place that you know so little about,
but became an expert.
nobody complains
when we hand them over 1 million,
treat them like royalty
and make friends with them.

maybe
you should ask
David Toms,
Hal Sutton and Tim Brando
why they would like in such a horrible place
given they have the means to live anywhere they choose.

[Chorus]
Kevin Costner
built a home here
where he can come and take advantage
of all the great golf
an outdoor activities
like hunting and fishing.
Weedeater is a BRAND NAME
for a TYPE of product, it ISN’t
the type of product

You are so smart,
so handsome,
you went to the best school,
your daddy is president of INC, LLC,
you drive a BMW,
and your momma has an hour glass figure
and bakes cookies with Hillary Clinton
after tennis at the club on Wednesdays.

It is hard to see the top,
when he comes from the bottom!
Perhaps it was the fact
that he lost his modest paycheck
at one of the casinos
And the assertion that the city’s economy depends on the gambling industry is
just ludicrous.
The city is still a major oil town, too.

Last night I saw The Great Debaters.
It was a good film.
It will probably win
a few Oscars.
It was filmed in Shreveport.

Kevin Costner
built a home here
where he can come and take advantage
of all the great golf
an outdoor activities
like hunting and fishing.
Weedeater is a BRAND NAME
for a TYPE of product, it ISN’t
the type of product

To be frank, we Razorbacks
(with our over inflated sense of ourselves)
would rather not go to Shreveport for a game
because it probably means we are 6 & 6.

Shreveport sucks
and you can’t get away from that.
Enjoy your looser bowl while is last.
Geaux Buckeyes!

I’ve always wondered
what the “Independence” part
of the bowl name referred to.
Knowing Shreveport,
probably “independence from state highway patrol custody”.

Is this Racially motivated?
It appears to me that his negative comments
may be based on his lack of comfort with diversity,
he portrays a 50% black city as dirty,
while he lives in a city that is similar in many of these same complaints
with no complaints about the Peach bowl.

Kevin Costner
built a home here
where he can come and take advantage
of all the great golf
an outdoor activities
like hunting and fishing.
Weedeater is a BRAND NAME
for a TYPE of product, it ISN’t
the type of product

Isn’t there anything else to write about?
Something nice,
perhaps?
He’s right though in that
the people in Shreveport
are as nice as can be–
and it’s the town itself that smells bad,
not the residents.

I’m just glad that nobody with authority
decided to have a bowl game here
in beautiful Toledo, Ohio
When you walk around town with the jersey on
it doesn’t matter if you are the quarterback or not,
YOU’RE A PLAYER!

When I attend the game tomorrow
I will wear my purple and gold shirt
that says “Hey Saban, Up Yours”
as I sit in the Alabama section,
I will know that I was gracious to him
when it mattered the most.
I have had no need for a coat.

Kevin Costner
built a home here
where he can come and take advantage
of all the great golf
an outdoor activities
like hunting and fishing.
Weedeater is a BRAND NAME
for a TYPE of product, it ISN’t
the type of product

who goes to the beach in the dead of Winter
when bowl games are played?
who goes to the zoo
when the cold wind blows?
I would rather go to my local bar
that has been a tradition in my town
since 1937
and was established by a good friend of mine’s grandfather.

We are well-endowed
with a plethora of females
Our “non-existent” nightlife
is quite alive and kicking.
The ladies have to do something
to negate that statistical disadvantage.

I mean, this is the location where a few
confederate soldiers used some old logs
and a few wagon wheels
to make the Union’s Red River Flotilla turn tail and head back down south
And we were the home of the Louisiana Hayride
in its hey day.
I would think I would know
if I had seen a floating cow.
I hope this article doesnt scare alot of people off
from our great city.

Kevin Costner
built a home here
where he can come and take advantage
of all the great golf
an outdoor activities
like hunting and fishing.
Weedeater is a BRAND NAME
for a TYPE of product, it ISN’t
the type of product

Rest assured folks,
Shreveport will be around a lot longer than Hall,
who likely did his research on
a Delta flight to Dallas.
your obnoxious attack reeks of the ignorant sentiment
of a self-absorbed arm chair quarterback
who has never actually made an effort to raise money for
a charitable or civic organization.

Personally, I’m not into the night life,
but for those that are,
there’s plenty of it.
How could there not be
with multiple high-rise casinos
operated by the same companies that own the Vegas casinos?

so you have never been to the game?
Every year they have a pep rally.
every year they feed the teams
and have eating contest
( like the cotton bowl)

Kevin Costner
built a home here
where he can come and take advantage
of all the great golf
an outdoor activities
like hunting and fishing.
Weedeater is a BRAND NAME
for a TYPE of product, it ISN’t
the type of product

Mr. Hall
(insert sarcasm between Mr. and Hall),
I don’t see your name on any rosters
that played in a bowl game,
any bowl game,
not even the I’Bowl.
I bet a young Mr. Hall
(insert sarcasm between Mr. and Hall)
would have loved to have played D-1 ball,
not to mention have an opportunity to play in a bowl game,
any bowl game!

Some “alleged” sports blog writer
(who, incidentally,
is too embarrassed
about his articles
to even write under his own name much of the time)
bashes the city where I was born and raised
with the undisguised irrationality of a man having a prostate exam
done by an 800 lb. gorilla in a pink raincoat.
What did Shreveport ever do to you?

the town is always warm and welcoming
to all of the participants and fans that come to see the game
well, with the possible exception of Alabama

Kevin Costner
built a home here
where he can come and take advantage
of all the great golf
an outdoor activities
like hunting and fishing.
Weedeater is a BRAND NAME
for a TYPE of product, it ISN’t
the type of product

I have been married to the same guy
for 17 years
and I ever lived in a trailer park
and do not even own a dog.
I own cars which some are on blocks,
not in my front yard
but in my hobby shop.
I do not have a Geaux Tigers tatoo,
but I do have it as a screen name
on several sites
and an e mail address
as well ae bumper stickers
and a sign
at the entrance gate to my farm.

As for LSU hospital that you comdem
I have spent much time there while both my parents fought cancer,
it is a fine facility
and where I would Choose to go
if I were a burn victim,
cancer patient
or any major trauma.

your portrayal of the city of Shreveport
was cruel and incorrect.
The humidity is not nearly what it is along the gulf
and only slightly greater than that of central and east Texas
and all along the south
including TN, GA, etc.

Kevin Costner
built a home here
where he can come and take advantage
of all the great golf
an outdoor activities
like hunting and fishing.
Weedeater is a BRAND NAME
for a TYPE of product, it ISN’t
the type of product

If only everyone
could live in NEW YORK CITY??
Wouldn’t it be nice
if all of the petroleum and gas pipelines
that run through North West Louisiana just shut down
for a week
and you and your ilk would just
freeze
to death
in the dark?

You might want to give some consideration
about how some small out of the way city
could have a major impact on your life
before you decide to trash the good people living there.
You might want to remember
that the headquarters for the Strategic Air Command
is stationed in Bossier City
just across the Red River from Shreveport.
Well, when I was a youngster during the Cuban Missile Crisis
in the early 60′s,
B52′s were in the air 24/7 over Shreveport
loaded with nuclear weapons
prepared to defend your freedom.

I have never heard of a team
declining a bowl invitation
based on the city,
and last time I checked,
it was not as much about the money received
as it was about the experience
and exposure.

Some people’s views
may not have been altered by this article,
but this was posted on Yahoo.

Kevin Costner
built a home here
where he can come and take advantage
of all the great golf
an outdoor activities
like hunting and fishing.
Weedeater is a BRAND NAME
for a TYPE of product, it ISN’t
the type of product

I have not
and most likely will not
go to New York
unless
one day I need to travel there
on business.

Hey dude
who seems to like knocking places and people.
Mr. Smartguy,
the game is on Sunday.

I was only kidding about the pipelines,
we promise to keep them open and running
so turn the heat up
we could use the money.
Please remember, that all people have purpose
and love and family are more important
than where you live
and what you own.
God bless you and your family
this New Year.

17 thoughts on “Independence Bowl Poetry Slam: A lot of tongue and no cheek.

  1. They should make a new town sign, welcoming you to Shreveport that says:

    Welcome to Shreveport!
    Kevin Costner built a home here where he can come and take advantage
    of all the great golf an outdoor activities like hunting and fishing.

    hahahaha, this is awesome.

  2. I met Kevin Costner at a political fundraiser for Bill Clinton in 1992. We shook hands and he came in for a long, slow, deep, soft, wet kiss, that lasted for 3 seconds. It was awkward – to say the least.

  3. When I attend the game tomorrow
    I will wear my purple and gold shirt
    that says “Hey Saban, Up Yours”
    as I sit in the Alabama section,
    I will know that I was gracious to him
    when it mattered the most.
    I have had no need for a coat.

    Oh, sweet lord, I’m dying.

  4. Well, as a native of Shreveport and one who still lives there, I can tell you that this is a yearly happening. Some columnist from one of the teams or a national guy, many of whom have never been to Shreveport, will write an article blasting the city for no good reason. I will not defend Shreveport. I love the city and choose to live there…and I have never seen a dead cow floating down the Red River.

  5. This is all golden. Ho-ly shit. Two beautiful, poetic. bowl-related posts in one day, it feels like my birthday and Christmas all rolled into one!

    I need to work “a lot of tongue and no cheek” into conversation somehow this week….

  6. I will not defend Shreveport.

    There’s no need to here, sir. The point of these things is to mock the internet trolls that make comment threads at the FanHouse (and now Sporting News) such entertaining reads. Example: I hate Bill Belichick with the heat of a nova, but this was not about him.

  7. As for LSU hospital that you comdem

    I read that as condom at first. It made it funnier.

    Such hatred for a little light bashing. Is Sporting News the new Fanhouse?

  8. Hmmm…

    The comments indicate the culprits to be the dreaded Glove Slap Troll. Honor bound to defend his team, city, or sovereign mother from affected slights and insults, the Glove Slap Troll must gain satisfaction. Usually this is accomplished through a duel of words in the comment section of the offending website.

    Will

    PS: Another brilliant post Holly. :p

  9. Pingback: Cheap Shots #89: So Much For That Feel-Good Story. « Signal to Noise

  10. god i hate shreveport. as only a man who spent his virile youth trapped in north louisiana can. when this is the best ‘big city’ you’ve got to look forward to, suicide is always a reasonable option as well.

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