The five stages of Bacon Pants grief

The Ladies… count two Phillies homers among their ranks, so Texas Gal and I were hoping that our meaty, darling, grinder Aaron “Bacon Pants” Rowand would resign with the Phillies. His face-smashing entusiasm and team-first attitude were part of what made the Phillies so much fun to watch this season. Also, he wears his uniform pants really tight. We liked that.

2007 was a banner year for Bacon Pants, and with the cheapskates in the Phillies front office shying away from long-term contracts, Bacon Pants signed today with the San Francisco Giants. He’ll patrol the outfield for the next five years, taking home a cool $12 million per year.

The fans of the San Francisco Giants have to be happy — there’s somebody fun to watch out in the outfield again.

I, however, am taking this news a little harder. I am — if you will — a sad panda.

sad panda

Stage 1: Denial

To: Texas Gal
From: Clare
Date: December 12, 2007
Subject: NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

http://www.mlbtraderumors.com/2007/12/giants-sign-aar.html

Stage 2: Anger

How can he do this to me? Doesn’t he know how much I love him? Doesn’t he understand that no other city will love him as much as Philadelphia did? HE SMASHED HIS FACE ON A FENCE FOR US! DOESN’T THAT MEAN ANYTHING TO HIM?! The people in San Francisco won’t understand him! ONLY I DO! And besides, the Giants aren’t going to be in contention until 2009 at least. Good job, dummy, for signing up for five years with the NL West basement-dwellers.

Stage 3: Bargaining

What if the Phillies offer him $70 million over three years with a player option for a fourth? That’ll have to be more than the other clubs are offering him, right? That’ll have to bring him back, right? RIGHT?!

Stage 4: Depression

Fine. Go. Whatever. I don’t care.

I’m going to cry in the fetal position under my desk.

Fuck.

Stage 5: Acceptance

The man is 30 years old, and with the balls-to-the-wall way he plays, that means he’s no spring chicken anymore. He also has two school-age kids, and I imagine he wants them to have a stable environment while they’re in elementary school. Yeah, the 5-at-$60M contract has shades of Latrell Sprewell’s whine that “I need to feed my family,” but Bacon Pants picked a perfect season to have a career year. Get that money. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may. Good luck and Godspeed. But don’t be surprised if there’s two girls at AT&T holding up this sign next season:

– - – -

Texas Gal: Clare is a much braver and stronger woman than me. When I heard the news, I skipped all five steps and went straight to the step where I toss my “ROWAND” shirt on a bbq grill, douse it with a mixture of tears and Maker’s Mark, and then flick a solitary lit match on top. There’s a stage for that, right?

Since I am unable to form a coherent or rational thought on the subject, beyond alternating cries of “Nooooooo!” and “Boooooo!”, I’m going to share a few of the greatest moments in Bacon-ry. It’ll be like our own version of pouring out a bacon-flavored 40 on the Philly soil in his honor. Let’s start off with the greatest of them all: THE FACEPLANT.

29 thoughts on “The five stages of Bacon Pants grief

  1. Wait. So if Bacon Pants moves to San Francisco where the diet is a bit more… cosmpolitan, are you going to rename him something more appropriate, like “Proscuitto Trousers”? Or will he simply become, “He Who Shall Not Be Named of Former Pork Product Bottom Wear”?

  2. OMG! I so want to crawl in a hole and die right now! Pat Gillick is the Grinch and he has officially ruined Christmas! I think I will just sit here and sob all night…can’t believe he is gone…and to the Giants???? UGH! They suck! Someone please pour me a stiff drink… :o(

  3. I don’t follow baseball so I really don’t have an opinion but that Smart Bacon makes me said so I will share your pain… sort of.

  4. I work less than a mile away from Pac-SBC-ATT-Whatever, so I’ll open my windows in the office and see if I can catch a smell of bacon in the air this spring.

    But really, the Giants just can’t wait to overpay players, can they?

  5. I actually read some of the Giants message boards and a lot of Giants fans are not happy about the signings. You are right…those fans just don’t understand him!!! Darn it!! Any chance of them trading him to back to the Phillies in the future?

  6. I’m sorry, really I am. You may have written rules to live by if Ellsbury makes a similar trip out of Boston. I’ll need to refer to this thread….hell, I never recovered when Carlton Fisk was traded to the White Sox!

  7. Christina, I call him Bacon Pants because one night while my roommate was frying bacon for dinner, Aaron was at the plate and hit a dinger. From then on, the two meaty, delicious things were inextricably linked. I called him Bacon Pants on DUAN, and the rest is history.

    And that’s how internet memes are made.

  8. There’s a silver lining to every cloud guys….. CHEAP ROWAND JERSEYS!!!… It will look nice in my closet next to my Thome Jersey that I got for 20 canadian dollars (back when our dough was worth way less than yours)…. Who am I kidding?….there’s no silver lining…not even close

    If you’re going to San Francisco, be sure to wear some flowers in your hair…

    If you’re going to San Francisco, you’re gonna meet some gentle people there.

    For those who come to San Fran Cisco, summertime will be a love-in there

    In the streets of San Fran Cisco, gentle people with flowers in their hair….

    …..Single Tear…..

    I can’t listen to the rest. It’s just too much to take right now. I hope you’re happy Aaron….. look what you’ve done to me!

  9. I was in San Fran last summer. The city was a little dirty and the people were a bit rude. There are lots of great things to do and see there though. It was fun. It irked me that you can’t make a left turn in a lot of places.

  10. I was in a restaurant with my whole family, and ESPN was on in the background. When I saw the Bacon Pants headline, I actually exclaimed “Bacon Pants!” out loud, then had to weasel my way out of explaining what the hell I was talking about.

    My condolences, Ladies…

  11. I am still in denial, but I have had to put up with Rowand leaving me twice. First time was with the sox around thanksgiving and now leaving the phillies right before christmas. Why do you keep doing this to me? But now you leave me for the giants…I see how it is Aaron!

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