Dear Hockey – It’s not you, it’s me.

Dear Hockey,

It’s not you, it’s me.

No really, don’t be upset. I know that look. Yes, that look. The puppy dog eyes look.

We’ve had this arrangement for a long time now. Hell, if I would have been knocked up when we first got together… No, I didn’t have a kid without telling you! What type of question is that? What I am saying is that if we WOULD HAVE had a kid all those years ago, we’d looking at taking out a second mortgage to pay for their tuition about now, so none of this should be news to you sweetie.

Anyway, the deal has not changed in all these years and I just want to make sure we’re on the same page this season. I love you, but I cannot give you my full energy until after New Years.

What do you mean you don’t get the big holidays? Is there or is there not almost always one of the biggest games of the year either the night before Thanksgiving or on Thanksgiving? Everyone knows the night before Thanksgiving is one of the top five or six nights of the whole year. People go home for that week and by 7:00 PM Wednesday night everyone is out at the bars visiting with their friends. And who is there to entertain us? You are. No one cares about football on Thanksgiving Eve! So don’t tell me you don’t get any of the “real” holidays.

And your regular season ends at a better time of the year. NFL? Do you know how hard it is to worry about making the playoffs at Christmas and New Years? It is totally bad mojo, and not only that, it is really hard to make excuse after excuse for the family why I cannot make cookies and pies some weekends because I have football to baby. You, hockey? You understand that March is a much better time to be exciting.

NCAA? Oh baby, don’t pout. You know as well as I do that filling out that bracket is something that everyone does and maybe twelve people really care about. It’s on,… what? CBS? Who watches CBS? People who watch shows like “Big Bang Theory” and “60 Minutes” watch CBS. You don’t want to be on CBS.

Well, yes. I do watch football on CBS. I buy the football package which is on CBS, but is really waaaayyyyy up there in the 700 channels, so it is not like I am really watching CBS. Give me the remote. See? The NFL is wayyyyyy up there in the 700’s and you’re wayyyyy before in it the 600’s on Versus. And when you are really good, you are all the way down here on channel 79, HDNet. So fancy mainstream CBS might have “Big Bang Theory” and 25 different CSI’s, but HDNet has the “Nothing But Trailers” show, and you know how I feel about trailers. Yeah, I see you trying not smile. There’s the sport I love under that frown.

Listen hockey, I just want you to know that I am thinking of you. There are only three more weekends of regular season football left and soon you will not be able to get rid of me. You’ll be begging for me to take an afternoon out with the NBA boys just so you can have some peace and quiet while you knit or read or whatever it you do when I am not around.

So just be ready baby, be ready. Don’t you worry your pretty little head over those “other” sports in my life.

Because who loves you?

I do.

P.S. IF YOU EVER – EVER – GIVE UP 8 POINTS AND TWO HAT TRICKS TO THE FLYERS AGAIN I AM SO GOING TO SPEND A LONG WEEKEND WITH THE WILKES-BARRE PENS JUST OUT OF SPITE.

13 thoughts on “Dear Hockey – It’s not you, it’s me.

  1. You know, TSW, I didn’t turn that game on until about 15 minutes into the first period…and that’s when the game broke way open. Just sayin’. Maybe you want to look into sending me down to Florida for Spring Training so I’ll have something else to focus on while hockey is in full swing.

  2. I’m wondering where that leaves me?

    Ah yes. The lull during spring training and the first pitch of the MLB season. (And then about 30 games in, when the Bucos are 2-28, I get some attention then.)

  3. You know as well as I do that filling out that bracket is something that everyone does and maybe twelve people really care about.

    I care. I’m one of the 12. We’re a small but cultish pack.

    Hockey, you were always that hot guy that just didn’t strike my fancy.

  4. TSW, that is true to some extent, but the fact that my team has lost all 4 to the Rangers hasn’t slipped my mind. I’m just withholding sex until they can beat those bastards.

  5. Dear Kings,

    If you weren’t so goddamn dreadful maybe I would come around more often. I know I just live down the street. But you have to make it worth my while.

  6. Longtime lurker, first time commenter.

    Just wanted to say, awesome post. And yesterday’s game made me cry a little. With the exception of Gary Roberts. I wish he was my dad.

  7. All those jokes where people plug “Gary Roberts” into Chuck Norris jokes fail. Chuck Norris is not worthy.

    Just go to YouTube, enter his name, and watch. Gary Roberts will restore your faith in all that is good and right in this world. And you get to laugh at Ben Eager, which is always fun.

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