For Whom The Babe Roots: ALCS

baseball.gifStep right up and strap on your fighting shoes. The other half of the Ladies will now argue for the men of the diamond who’ve captured their collective American League-loving hearts. The incomparable SA pleads for the Indians, with J-Money and Texas Gal wrapping things up with the case for the Red Sox. [Note: Trusty editor Holly, a near lifelong loather of all things base-ball, has been recently converted to the Red Sox; however, not knowing what a walk-off homer is and frankly being a little skittish in this big new pond she's splashing around in, she has recused herself from the discussion.]

Batter up! Take it away, SA.

I feel a little bad for the Cleveland Indians. Despite having tied for the best record in the American League, people (*Ahem ESPN*) still treats them as the second cousin once removed. Many picked the Yankees over them in the ALDS and I would venture a guess in those same people picking the Red Sox over them in the ALCS. Which means they need all the people on their bandwagon they can get. Here are 10 reasons why you should root for the Indians.

10. In House. On May 30, the amazing Texas Gal did a Hump Day Hottie feature on Grady Sizemore. Since that day we have gotten over 100 comments on that one post (and counting) and hits from ladies wanting to know a little about the centerfielder comes in every day. I know several of our gals here root for the Sox, but those hits aren’t coming in for Manny.

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9. No more Papyboo. Speaking of those gals, the already mentioned Texy and the kick ass J-Money are ardent fans of those Red Sox and root for them with everything they got. But one player had captured their attention more than the rest: Jonathan Papelbon. They even got Holly brainwashed on board with them. [Squee!! --ed.] Well, if the Sox lose we won’t have to hear the word “Papyboo” for five months. FIVE MONTHS!!

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8. AL Central. We’re all tired of the slurping the media gives to the AL East, in particular their two big teams. Let’s give it up for the Central division. This would make the third straight year an AL Central team got to the World Series.

7. Fuck the NL West. Really, fuck ‘em. They don’t deserve your love. Even the Red Sox deserve for you to jump on their bandwagon before the teams playing in the NLCS. Not only did both of them take out teams that are rooted for among the Ladies…, but they can’t even sell out Game 1 of the championship series! What are you people in Arizona thinking?!?! I’m not a huge baseball fan, but dammit it’s the fucking playoffs. Get out there and go watch the games!

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6. 1959. That’s the last time the Indians won the World Series. Aww, poor Indians fans.

5. Ohio. Look, as a Michigan fan I don’t particularly like the state of Ohio. But even I have my limits. The last few times their teams have been in their respective championship games it hasn’t been pretty. Ohio State football, Ohio State Basketball, the Cavs. Sometimes you have to lift your foot off the throat.

4. Their players have really good aim.
I have nothing else to say, I just really wanted to add this picture.

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3. Disgusting ass bugs. Those bugs creeped me out. But wasn’t it fun to see Joba Chamberlain get unnerved by them? Now picture the same thing happening to Dice K. Good times.

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2. Red Sox world champions.
Do we really need to go through this again? Assuming this happens, let’s fast forward to February after the Patriots have won the Super Bowl (Tom Brady WOOO!!!). Can we suffer through a New England superiority complex?

1. Grady Sizemore. Seriously-Grady Fucking Sizemore.

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And the Indians got a host of other hotties playing. But it’s all about Grady and you know it.

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*****

Take your cold showers, girls. We’ll wait.

[pause]

Better? Good. Now prepare to be, um, Red Socked. Texas Gal, at the plate, with a little film festival action–a mere sampling of the cave of Boston wonders she’s amassing (see what I did there?) Out In Center Field.

*****

Starting out with the best- my favorite clip from this year: Jonathan Papelbon and Josh Beckett mic’ed up for BP, arguing over spelling. Break out the dictionaries!

Julian Tavarez has such a soft head. Just ask Manny Ramirez.

Josh Beckett is filthy. Josh Beckett is dirty. Josh Beckett is nasty. What? I’m talking about his PITCHES, I swear!

Some teams celebrate division championships with beer, some with champagne. The Red Sox (or, more specifically, Kevin Youkilis and Jonathan Papelbon with special guest appearance by Javier Lopez) celebrate with a DANCE OFF!

Not content with the aforementioned dance, Jonathan Papelbon takes it to a whole ‘nother level: an Irish jig. In his underwear.

And no video collection would be complete without an awesome highlight package from Clay Buchholz’s no-hitter.

And our closer–put your hands together for J-Money. You ask: Why Boston? She’s got some answers for you.

Because Jonathan Papelbon throws hard enough to unspool your DNA.

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Because Josh Beckett’s fastball is responsible for global climate change. And for Al Gore’s sorrow. It is not, however, responsible for his rampant weight gain.

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Because Tim Wakefield’s knuckleball is now one of the eight daily prayer events developed and recognized by the Christian church. Suck it, vespers.

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Because if the levees were made of Curt Schilling, Hurricane Katrina would have turned around and gone home to make him a waffle.

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Because Dustin Pedroia gives Red Bull its wings which it, in turn, gives to you. But only if he’s cool with it.

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Because Jacoby Ellsbury has a Scoville Heat score of 92 million.

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Because Kevin Youkilis retroactively inspired Hermann Melville to write Moby Dick. Except instead of a whale, it’s about a badass.

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Because Mike Lowell is available only by prescription. No, your insurance will not cover it because there is no generic version. Only name-brand Mike Lowell. Use only as directed.

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Because Jason Varitek can perform Lasik surgery using nothing but his own eyes. When he’s finished, you will have 20/-3 vision. You will be able to see things before they happen, like the cancellation of Chuck.

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Because Coco Crisp is the real reason the Pilgrims came here from England, so one day their descendants would be able to watch him play. And so they wouldn’t be stuck in England neglecting their sideways teeth and reading books about cabinetmakers.

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Because David Ortiz will join Babe the Blue Ox in modern retellings of the legend. Apparently, Babe got tired of hanging out with “that Bunyan pussy”.

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Because Manny IS Manny. And he will soon be honored with his own Kingdom, Phylum, Class, and Order.

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Because J.D. Drew…um…nevermind.

*****

There you have it. Lines in the sand, ladies and gentlemen. Who ya got?

46 thoughts on “For Whom The Babe Roots: ALCS

  1. Two items of note:

    1. For SA: PAPYBOO! PAPYBOO! PAPYBOO!

    2. For J-Money: “rampant weight gain”? Come on now. Check that video- he weighs the same now as he did in ’03 when he hefted that World Series MVP trophy. He just has a moon face- cut him and his cute lil’ moonpie face a break!

    Quote of the day: “Because Mike Lowell is available only by prescription. No, your insurance will not cover it because there is no generic version. Only name-brand Mike Lowell. Use only as directed.”

    In conclusion, LET’S GO SOX!

  2. Amazingly enough, this Yankees fan is going with the Sox! Why? Because I’ve never hated Boston simply because I love the Yankees. Because there are so many great players on the team. And because, even though I think Grady Sizemore is very good looking and C.C. Sabathia is an awesome pitcher, it was the Indians that took out my team in the ALDS. So I’ll be pulling for Beckett, Ellsbury, Varitek, Papi, Manny being Manny, and the rest of the Beantown bunch.

  3. If anyone was on the fence as to who to root for, there should be no doubt after watching that very exquisite dancing.

    Also, I firmly believe that this site should start a petition and send it to the producers of “Pants Off Dance Off” on Fuse and demand that they do a very special, athlete edition with dearest Papyboo as Contestant Number One!

  4. C’mon, Texy! You should know that there’s not a single Sox that I would alter even the tiniest tiny bit. Well. Except I might swap Drews with the D-Bags. But that’s ALL.

    Not a hair on Joshy’s head.

  5. I’m pulling for the Indians simply because I live with two red sox fans, and the smug cannot get any thicker in here. They’re predicting the Red Sox win it in 3.

    (sobs because my team didn’t even make the playoffs)

  6. There will be some beautiful baseball on display tonight and tomorrow.

    I whole-heartedly agree. I’m going to be looking forward to the series. And to be honest, I’ve found myself liking (not rooting, never rooting) the Red Sox, but only for the hotties. It’s nice to see Ellsbury come up to the plate and squee.

    And for the record, I think Papelbon is a cutie. There was quite a few pics I found of him (with his wife, with kids, etc.) that I just went “AWWW.”

  7. There will be some beautiful baseball on display tonight and tomorrow.

    The BF just asked me out to dinner, and I almost said no – does he not realize there are ALCS/NLCS to be be watched?!

  8. I am going to need some serious, serious help when this season is finally over, because I am going to enter a very big, very deep, very dark pit of withdrawal.

    But for now, we still have BAYSBAWL.

    Pronk is hot. Grady is pretty. Shoppach is a cutie. And even though he won’t be playing, let’s not forget the lovely David Dellucci and his sweet ass.

    Sox still win on the hottie front, though.

  9. You *almost* said no???? What kind of baseball fan are you?!?

    I was on the fence, but all the reasons to root for Boston made me laugh so hard I sprayed Dr Pepper out of my nose. And I wasn’t even drinking any Dr Pepper! Go Red Sox.

  10. You *almost* said no???? What kind of baseball fan are you?!?

    I couldn’t help myself! I’ll prob. miss the first couple of innings. I feel bad, we’ve missed so many dinner dates to just hang out as his place and watch the Mets, esp. towards the end of the season. I keep telling him that he’ll get normal Metsy in Nov. (but we all know that’s not true – then we have HOT STOVE!)

  11. Come on–JD did manage to maneuver a 180-degree turnaround at the beginning of crunch time/September.

    And Grady may have dimples that make even me swoon, but come on. He looks like a stoned rodent sometimes.

    And–I admit it–while watching that no-no highlights video, I got a little teary at the end. He’s such a sweet kid, and he was so stunned at himself, it was just too adorable.

  12. Anyone who has not watched the Manny-Tavarez video- you MUST go do so right now. I double-dog dare you to make it all the way through that minute and a half without cracking up.

    It’s that last headrub that always puts me over the edge.

  13. Texas Gal,
    The harder the announcers laughed at that, the harder I laughed. This was true every time I watched the video, which is a number much greater than one, and much greater than I will freely admit.

  14. I’m still semi-hiatused, but I think Asdrubal’s pearls and Trot Nixon’s penchant for pie needed to be mentioned on the Indians side. I mean really– No, no. mentioning Grady twice was pretty much necessary. I take it back.

    I’m looking forward to some amazing games. One-run losses hurt, but I have a feeling there are going to be a lot of them for both teams.

  15. Howdy, stranger! I’m glad to see you ’round these parts again. (incidentally, when you’re up and running again, drop me a line- OK?)

    Trot also loves cookies. At last year’s (Sox) spring training, he did a Cookie Monster impersonation during the cookie-off that is priceless.

  16. Gotta be the Indians, for me. It’s the AL version of the Cubs, so my husband could be made marginally happier by them winning it all, or hell, even getting to the Series. And I’d feel even better about it, since I generally root for the AL.

    Texas Gal, I feel you on the end of baseball season approaching. But god, yes, Metschick, HOT FUCKING STOVE. Man alive do I love HOT STOVE.

  17. Sorry I wasn’t clear, Sarah. I was just referring to the fact that while the Cubs have the longest championship drought, the Indians have the second-longest one (among teams who have won one, anyway), and the longest one in the AL.

  18. Actually most of the ESPN and cnnsi’s of the world picked Cleveland to beat NY. Red Sox are favored in this series by a lot of people but most of them say 7 games.
    Metschick
    No Red Sox fan is predicting the Red Sox win this series in 3. If they are they do not know baseballl because you need 4 games to win a 7 game series. Maybe your family members find you the smug one and are playing games with you because if they seriously said 3 games they are not baseball fans

  19. Beckett completely OWNED Sabathia. I don’t know if I’ve ever stood up on my couch and screamed before while watching a game since… 2004, actually. And it wasn’t even close. I was just so giddy, watching Beckett throw strike after strike after strike and Sabathia throw ball after ball after ball.

  20. Thanks SA, you helped push me off the fence. I’m going to have to stay in-state & root like hell w/my dad. GO TRIBE!!!!

    Last night’s game sucked though. Can we get the bugs back for the home games???

  21. No Red Sox fan is predicting the Red Sox win this series in 3. If they are they do not know baseballl because you need 4 games to win a 7 game series. Maybe your family members find you the smug one and are playing games with you because if they seriously said 3 games they are not baseball fans

    I was joking.

    Any time you face an opponent, you shouldn’t take them lightly. That’s why I think it’s so silly to see anyone predict a series sweep. (Even though the Rox seem on their way to one of their own.) And for the record, my brother and dad actually predicted Sox in 5. I was joking about how smug they are. Esp. after how easily the Sox defeated the Indians last night.

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