For Whom The Babe Roots: NLCS

A phenomenon known as “base-ball” has been making headlines around these parts since the inception of the site. The alleged “National League Championship Series” is upon us…time to pick a side or go home. In the red corner: TheStarterWife and Clare, freestylin’ for the Diamondbacks. In the purple corner: Lady Andrea, Metschick, and surprise special guest star tap the Rockies, if you know what I mean. (Don’t feel bad. There is no force in the universe that could have stopped me from making that joke.)

Leading off, the lovely TSW, with her plea for the boys of Arizona:

Why does Stephen Drew smile, other than the fact he is the talented Drew brother? Fucking hit .500 against the Cubbies with two homes and four RBIs, that’s why.

What is that, Brandon Webb? You won the Cy Young Award last year?

Should we mention that one point this season, Webb had pitched a streak of 42 1/3 scoreless innings? That included three complete shutouts? I think we should bring that up along with the fact Webb himself got the W in 7 shutout games in 2007 while the entire Rockies squad only had 6 shutouts all season. (Really, I looked it up.)

I think that deserves another picture.

Why is Jose Valverde screaming at the top of his lungs? Could it be that he lead the NL with 47 saves this year?

Conor Jackson? Not only was he named #8 on Texas Gal’s unimpeachable List of the Hottest Asses in Baseball, but as someone much wiser than I said, “best action hero name on the team”.

And did you know that Chris Young, aside of being able to hit dingers like nobody’s business, is also a model?

Next up, Miss Clare, bringing the heat in the form of a free-association piece:

[SFX: free-form jazz tootles softly in the background]

The talking heads on the WWL often refer to the Diamondbacks as the Baby Backs. That is because the some of players–aside from the beleaguered Randy Johnson, whose AARP membership card should be arriving in his mailbox any day now–are very young.

Think back to when you were 23 or 24. What were you doing with your life? Were you making stupid decisions and acting callously? That’s sort of what the D-Backs are doing: They’re so young, they don’t know that they should be losing. They also think that having a pool and a hot tub in the outfield is cool, when it is actually just a cool way to contract a nasty case of plantar’s warts.

Also, when you call them the Baby Backs, their nickname puts me in the mind of ribs. Mmm, ribs. We should do ribs for a Friday Football Foodie.

beef_ribs_grill.jpg

*****

I dunno….it’s difficult to argue with meat. Or ribs. (What?) But let’s reserve judgment until we take a trip on the Purple Train.

*****

Metschick, Lady Andrea, and Townie want YOU! to root for the Colorado Rockies. The Rockies are God’s team. Jeff Francis is on the cover of this week’s Sports Illustrated, but that does not matter. GOD IS MORE POWERFUL THAN SPORTS ILLUSTRATED. So c’mon everybody! All aboard the Purple Train! WOO-WOO!

rockiesgod.jpg

The conductor for your ride will be Metschick, who would like to lead you all in prayer:

Our Father, who art in Colorado
hallowed be thy team.
Thy championship come, thy will be done,
on Coors Field as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily win
And forgive us our errors,
as we forgive those who win against us,
and lead us not into a losing streak
but deliver us from the Desert.
Amen.

Andrea is knocking back purple shots in the dining car, looking for single Rockies:

Why should you root for the Rockies? Besides the fact that they went on a ridiculous tear at the end of the season to get into a one-game playoff and subsequently won the Wild Card and then went on to mow down the Phillies in a 3-game sweep? (They are 16-1 over the last 17 games). Well, you should root for them because a ridiculous number of them are single. That’s right Ladies. 13 of the 25-man roster are single. Here is just a taste of the nice young men who are looking for that special someone.

Troy Tulowitzki

tulo.jpg

Cory Sullivan

corysullivan.jpg

Ryan Spilborghs

spilborghs.jpg

Mark Townsend from Bugs & Cranks is lounging in the Parlor Car and says:
You should root for the Rockies because they are the nice, clean cut, all around good guy you’ve been looking for all along, but you just haven’t realize it yet. The guy mom always said you’d marry, but you thought she was nuts. Turns out she was right about one thing after all. On the surface they might seem a little shy, or boring, but once you get to know them, you’ll be more than impressed.

They don’t look at porn… in the clubhouse. They don’t swear… outwardly. They don’t cheat on their wives/girlfriends/other… or at least they don’t get caught. They represent everything that is good and pure about the game. Top to bottom, from ownership down to Dinger (the mascot), the Rockies are full of high character, high moral, and of course, highly skilled men.

dinger.jpg

You know the saying… nice guys finish last? That doesn’t apply to these Rockies. They are winners, and they are worthy of your support. All they need is a chance to prove it.

Finally, the caboose of the Purple Train is this:

You should root for the Rockies because they have decided to give a playoff share to the pregnant widow and two children of Mike Coolbaugh, a minor league coach that was killed by a foul ball earlier this season. The farther the Rockies go, the more they can help out the Coolbaugh family If you don’t root for the Rockies, you have no heart or soul.

coolbaugh.jpg

 

Stake your claims, ladies and gentlemen. And that, as they say, is that. Tune in tomorrow for an equally sultry cage match over something called the “ALCS” .

33 thoughts on “For Whom The Babe Roots: NLCS

  1. I’ve been waiting for this all day!

    And I love B-Webb. He was on my fantasy team (one of the few players who actually performed well for me). I really liked his pic in ESPN Mag back when he was in his scoreless streak.

    Okay, I’ll shut up now.

  2. “You should root for the Rockies because they are the nice, clean cut, all around good guys you’ve been looking for all along, but you just haven’t realized it yet. The guy mom always said you’d marry, but you thought she was nuts. Turns out she was right about one thing after all”

    Yeah, ever since high school my mom has been asking me, “Why can’t you find a nice, clean cut young man like Todd Helton?” And every. fucking. time. I had to remind her that I was straight.

    Go to hell, Mom!

  3. My mother would never want me to marry a patchouli-and-hemp wearing deodorant-eschewing pot-smoking hippie Jesus freak mountain man, Andrea. So no, I will not be rooting for the Rockies.

    EFF THEM.

  4. Meech.one, you sound familiar.

    And seriously, Cory Sullivan isn’t as violent as he looks in that photo. He just likes to beat his wood every now and then. It happens.

  5. Oh, look; there’s pictures of Diamondbacks! Since there’s pictures…

    Eat a dick, eat a dick, just ate a dick, dick went down the wrong pipe and is causing him to choke, eat a dick, aaaaaand dick.

    I feel I’m taking the Cubs’ loss quite well, thanks.

  6. Seeing as how I despise BOTH of these teams for killing the Cubs and Phils playoff dreams, I’m not going to root FOR either one.

    However, because (a) they can’t even sell out their own stadium, so they will be non-existent competition for WS tickets, (b) the stupid underdog hoopla is much less for them, and (c) it would be fun to have a BATTLE ROYALE: DREW VS. DREW, I gotta go with the Dbags. Oh, excuse me, I mean the Dbacks- so I will be rooting against “We Think We’re God’s Chosen Ones”. Also, Conor Jackson and Carlos Quentin are hot.

  7. Being from Las Vegas, I’m just glad that the nation is sort of forced to pay attention to the desert Southwest. I’ll be pretty happy with either team getting through, but I’m leaning toward rooting for the Rockies.

    And I’ll say right now: totally rooting for the Indians.

  8. How can I root for a team that can’t even fit its nickname on a jersey? I hope Saltalamacchia never plays for them. He’ll be S-Macks on the back.

    Go Rockies.

  9. his bio hasn’t been updated for a while, but if you search the rockies site it talks about how he was waiting for his wife to give birth, and the rockies media guide mentions how he got married last november to a woman named bresee.

  10. I’m with TexasGal. Thanks MLB for not scripting a better post-season about teams to which I ascribe no particular feelings, other than I kind of root for the underdogs.

    Thus, my unabashed, kinda-gay love for MAJOR LEAGUE will have me rooting (against TSW, no less) for Da Indians.

    (I didn’t say there was any logic in this.)

  11. TexasGal, I couldn’t have said it better myself. I was hoping for the Phillies (of course) but ya know, shit happens, so my fallback was the Cubbies… but not them either? I don’t know. I was debating the Dbags (agreed with the name- when the new uni’s came out I could have sworn that was what they said), but I decided to go AL this year and root for the good ol’ Indians. No reason. I just hate the NL teams for taking the Phillies out.

    So sad.

    I miss baseball.

  12. I cant even root for the rockies because I belive its against my religion…therefore…I am going to root for the cubs. Oh wait.

    Damn this sucks.

  13. Yeah- while can’t all my fellow Cubs and Phils buddies root for my Red Sox? They’re cute! And talented! And funny! And they hate the Yankees! Come on, Boston is way more fun than Cleveland.

  14. yeah, according to the rockies announcers, sullivan’s wife’s name is pronounced like “breezy.” i can’t help but laugh every time it’s mentioned. and also cry, because that’s just a bad, bad name.

  15. Yeah, good for the kid.

    Although I do like B-Webb, so I was saddened for him to see an un-Webb-like performance.

    Oh wells.

    according to the rockies announcers, sullivan’s wife’s name is pronounced like “breezy.”

    I actually know someone named Windy. Can you imagine some idiot naming his/her twin daughters Windy & Bresee (Breezy)?

  16. I keep wondering if there isn’t at least one guy in the Rox clubhouse who’s absolutely dying to swear and wave his dick at groupies, but he can’t, because he’s got to fit the corporate image.

    That said, I’m still a Rockies guy, because they’re the only team other than the Royals that I can root for based on having lived in their city and gone to many of their games. Plus I just like them.

  17. Hooray Rockies!!! Yeah, even though my friend from HS is on the DL (P Aaron Cook), I will still root for them.

    In the ALCS I am torn. I have a familial obligation towards the Indians, but Youk is a local guy & played w/another HS friend of mine on UC’s team.

  18. No. No we DO NOT have to root for TheMoRedFoSox. F-that!

    I can only begin to imagine how insufferable the entire Northeast will become (because you know those little snots in Vermont will latch onto any bandwagon they can) should the Sox AND the Pats (knockonwoodthiswon’thappen!!!) win championships.

    Ugh. Thinking of it has made me nearly lose my appetite for the Free Office Donut I have in front of me.

    Nearly.

  19. Tacobellmanager: LOL! I agree – spell out your damn name! And why exactly did they and the Coyotes get rid of their cool uniforms for boring red like everyone else wears?

    I’m sad about the Cubs and Phillies but as a baseball fan am also glad to see some new blood in the LCS. I just hope America is watching because these are 2 awesomely talented teams!

  20. TexasGal, I couldn’t have said it better myself. I was hoping for the Phillies (of course) but ya know, shit happens, so my fallback was the Cubbies… but not them either? I don’t know. I was debating the Dbags (agreed with the name- when the new uni’s came out I could have sworn that was what they said), but I decided to go AL this year and root for the good ol’ Indians. No reason. I just hate the NL teams for taking the Phillies out.

    So sad.

    I miss baseball.

    I…I couldn’t have said it better myself.

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