EPL: Or as I like to call it, the Hottie Premier League

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Football is starting up once again over in England, and of course that means we have to review the hotties that abound back in the Mother Land.

So grab your Guinness, your fish and chips (yeah, I’ve never been to England, so I have no idea what else they eat), and your favorite EPL team’s kit, and join me after the jump.

Truth be known, I don’t know much about the EPL. Hell, talk to Reasonable Doubt for a Reasonable Price (my tutor on all things EPL – I thank you greatly! Also, make sure to go by his hockey blog, Melt Your Face Off), I know close to nothing. So, please head on over to:

But I don’t have to know the convoluted rules to appreciate the delectable hotties that play in England. All hail the EPL!

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This is one Ashley Cole. He used to play for Arsenal, and now plays for Chelsea.

And the man has a smoldering gaze:
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Here we have Cristiano Ronaldo of Manchester United. I’m sure he’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but I can appreciate a man who rocks a pink shirt.

Also, he wears these:
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I can definitely appreciate that.

One more Ronaldo picture:
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Above we have Fernando Torres of Liverpool. Doesn’t he look like Prince William? Or Prince Harry? One of those two royal hotties.

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This is Tim Cahill of Everton. Even though he looks like a young Sylvester Stallone (not a good thing in my book), I love the forearm action in this pic.

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Keep on grinning, Steven Gerrard. He’s the captain of Liverpool, and here he’s shown hoisting a Champions League trophy – always makes for a good picture.

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Don’t know what it is about Robin Van Persie (of Arsenal), but he looks like a guy I would date. He seems comfortable somehow, normal. And yes, I can glean all that info from one picture.

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This is Petr Cech of Chelsea. Last October, he was injured in a cheap play by Reading’s Stephen Hunt. Because of that injury, he nearly lost his life. And yet…
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While part of me admonishes him for playing like that and placing his life in peril, part of me also admires that mentality, that intense love of the game that could kill him, literally. It’s what sets them apart from us.

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On the right, we have (Super) Frankie Lampard of Chelsea. I love his impish smile.

And finally, we end with Freddie Ljunbgerg. He plays for West Ham United, but more importantly, he’s a Calvin Klein model.
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No words necessary.
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And Freddie in video goodness (thanks to Kanu for the video!):

I’m sure I missed a hottie, so readers, email us with any suggestions for future Mail Bag Hotties. And he certainly doesn’t have to play for the EPL – introduce us to hotties that play for any of the football teams…

30 thoughts on “EPL: Or as I like to call it, the Hottie Premier League

  1. Hizzah! A long time ago, I used to root for the Spurs, (disclosure – it was because this guy I was dating at the time was from England and liked the Spurs, even though by his own admission they stank. I have forgotten a lifetime of footie since then.), but looking at that pic of Robin Van Persie makes me think I should totally get into Arsenal.

    (And why are footballers just that much hotter? I cannot even hear their cute accents through the screen!)

    Thanks Metsy!

  2. Not EPL, but how about the Italian national team?

    A couple years ago they did a photoshoot for Dolce & Gabbana in their underwear.

    See here:

    And Oh Captain, My Captain.. Fabio Cannavaro:

    mmmm.

  3. The Ladies'(… ) Empire expands…

    I, obviously, will submit that you should root for Liverpool. I’m not afraid to admit it, there are some good looking men on the squad.

  4. I see no Birmingham City representation on this compendium. I shan’t take much offense, though, since I only just became a follower. (I joined an EPL fantasy league, & in registering, had to select my rooting interest. Not having one, but not wanting to be a prototype hipster shit, didn’t want to select Chelskiy, ManUre, ARSEnal, or Cock Spurs (don’t call me Bill Simmons, or I *WILL* CUT YOU). So, Birmingham it were. They will probably be relegated after the season, but Sabbath’s from Birmingham, too, so they have that going for them.)

    (Plus, I think this is akin to an English acquaintance, when picking an MLB team to follow last year (’06) selected the Nationals. Sure, they stank, but you can’t call him a bandwagoneer. Neither I.)

    Also, unrelated to footy, but instead el futbol norteamericano, starterwife, care for a friendly wager on this weekend’s Packers-Steelers pre-season tilt? If Packers win, you have to acknowledge that even for three fewer Super Bowl wins & one more Super Bowl loss, that Favre is a better QB than Bradshaw. If Steelers win, I acknowledge that Bill Cowher was not just a professional scion of Schottenheimer, prone to regular season success but playoff sucking (& general dodgy play-calling, regular *OR* postseason), but the best coach of the class of ’92 (Holmgren, Dennis Green, Cowher… forgetting anyone?) if not the 90s & 00s.

    By the by, I might still hate him. I consider him Wannstedt, with a better jawline. Same ‘stache, though.

  5. I advocate the Ladies getting on the Liverpool bandwagon as well. My rooting for them is a reluctance to jump on the big three of Man U., Chelsea, and Arsenal, plus infused loathing for the Red Devils and Chelski.

    It was glorious watching all three games, despite them starting at 7 AM PST.

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  7. Oh, do I love me some Fernando Torres. His five goals for Spain in the World Cup last year only makes him mas caliente. With both him and Gerrard on the pitch, I can easily be persuaded to root for Liverpool :)

  8. The only prtoblem I see here is that half the player’s you’ve selected are complete w******s. Cashley Cole and Ronaldo in particular are classic examples of the whining sulking me-first prettyboys that everyone takes the piss out of so much because they fall over when you breathe on them. And I hate them so much. Plus Lamps is getting podgier by the day.

  9. Maybe not so good, although that was from 2005 and the charges were dropped. But still, don’t even put yourself in the situation, ya know?

    Yeah, that’s not good. I did not know that at all…

  10. Definitely consider adding Carlos Bocanegra to your list of EPL Hotties. He spent the 2000-04 seasons with the Chicago Fire, but is now playing for Fulham. He looks like this: http://thelisbongiraffe.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/carlos.jpg

    Michael Owen is also a good one. He played for Liverpool and Real Madrid, but is currently with Newcastle United. Unfortunately for us, he’s married with two kids and another coming soon, but he’s a hottie, nonetheless. Check him out:

    I think I’ve done my part to contribute. :)

  11. I’m all about Freddie L. I’ve loved him since I was a young girl. How about Robbie Keane though? He’s on Team Hottie for sure. And don’t forget about Carlos Bocanegra, our American defender who plays for Fulham. He is smoking hot. Then we’ve also got Zidane. I am loving his bald head and the way he headbutts his competitors. There’s something outrageously sexy about him. I love EPL.

  12. Hi
    I thought that the post was all about the EPL matches as being hot and really entertaining in terms of skills and tactics! and not the players. lol
    This eventually means that you watch footie only for the players and not for the beauty of the game.
    My only comment is: Cherly Tweed is really gorgeous :P
    Anyway tc kevin

  13. Disco Stu: I don’t suppose that you’d have been influenced by the fact that the Birmingham City Chairman made his money selling nudie magazines and adult toys? I’d say that’s about the only reason to support City. Otherwise you could have thrown your lot in with Aston Villa for the same benefit.

    Speaking of, Aston Villa player Olof Mellberg should probably be on the ladies… EPL hottie list. Worth a look, anyway.

  14. Agree completely with Dan – Cashley and Crystiana Ronaldo are absolute wankers.

    And clearly, if you need to select a rooting interest, it’s the Gunners (Arsenal). Never mind how pretty they are, they play pretty.

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