I’d Buy That For A Dollar: Trade Deadline Hotties

As the trade deadline nears, the Ladies… are forced to contemplate that tough question that crops up this time each year: what will happen to all the hotties?

So we’re stepping into the shoes of Theo Epstein for the day (naturally, since he’s the hottest GM in the major leagues), and assigning a market value to the hottest ballplayers rumored to be up on the block– based solely on just how smokin’ they are. A cadre of the Ladies… (five to be exact, enough to fill a front office for an All-Hot Team) put the candidates through a rigorous evaluation process, and submitted their valuations- in dollar signs- of the hottest possibilities. After some difficult and lengthy calculations, we’re sharing our scouting report ranking their hottie value.

It’s a hot, hot market out there, and we’re not afraid to spend a pretty penny on a pretty boy. But just how much are each of these ballplayers worth?

*You will find no mention of Aaron Rowand anywhere on this list… because Bacon Pants is not going to be traded. I refuse to contemplate the possibility.

The Solid Investments

Michael Bourn (Phillies): $
Jason Jennings (Astros): $
Russ Springer (Cardinals): $
Jason Lane (Astros): $$
Octavio Dotel (Royals): $$$
Adam Dunn (Reds): $$$
Jason Isringhausen (Cardinals): $$$
Casey Kotchman (Angels): $$$
Andy LaRoche (Dodgers): $$$
Jermaine Dye (White Sox): $$$$

The Prime Property

Kyle Farnsworth (Yankees): $$$$$
Eric Gagne (Rangers): $$$$$
Mark Loretta (Astros): $$$$$
Wily Mo Pena (Red Sox): $$$$$$
Dontrelle Willis (Marlins): $$$$$$
Morgan Ensberg (Astros): $$$$$$$
Matt Morris (Giants): $$$$$$$
Derrick Turnbow (Brewers): $$$$$$$

And, finally… The Top-Dollar Transactions:

t9. Jon Garland: $$$$$$$$ [8]
Tall, dark and devastatingly handsome. Heat from the South Side.

t9. Mark Teixeira: $$$$$$$$ [8]
The most talked-about player on the market also ranked high here.

8. Xavier Nady: $$$$$$$$$ [9]
He looks pretty in any uni- maybe it’s time for a new one.

t6. Mark Grudzielanek: $$$$$$$$$$ [10]
If Grudz gets traded, maybe we’d have a chance to see him in the offseason.

t6. Brad Lidge: $$$$$$$$$$ [10]
We’d go lights out with Lights-Out Lidge any time.

5. Scott Proctor $$$$$$$$$$$ [11]
I thought I was the only one- but several of the Ladies… valued him high.

4. Paul Konerko: $$$$$$$$$$$$ [12]
High value for the Grinder from the South Side. The scruff works.

3. Pat Burrell: $$$$$$$$$$$$$$ [14]
Ladies love The Bat. Philly already called and offered us a trade.

2. Noah Lowry: $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ [15]
Surefire way to heat up a flagging pitching staff. Or a Lady…

And the hottest of the hot, the fella who’d command tip-top dollar in the hottie market, the ballplayer all the Ladies… want on their team:

1. Jarrod Saltalamacchia: $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ [18] + “Fort fucking Knox”
Seriously. Just look at him.

And who were the lowest-valued guys out of the bunch? Two in particular drew visceral reactions from members of the Ladies… Front Office:

Ian Snell – valued at 1ยข
Scott Olsen – “I’ll give you money to take him off my hands”

48 thoughts on “I’d Buy That For A Dollar: Trade Deadline Hotties

  1. Dear Pirates,

    We need a new catcher. Badly. Would it kill you to get another hot one? He was a prick, but I kinda liked the Kendall era of hot ass behind the plate. Please see my “Fort Fucking Knox” comment and spend accordingly.

    TSW

  2. Dear Phillies,

    Don’t listen to her. Salty would look great in Philly pinstripes. I would settle for Noah Lowry- cause Lord knows we need pitching help.

    TG

  3. The Sox don’t really need Garland….but I do. :) (Love the damn soup catchers….see Josh Beckett. I have a thing for them!)

    And I think you’re right about the new Uni for Nady. I think he’d look awesome in Red Sox. LOL

  4. Wait..what?!! Where did that Salty guy come from? Fort Fucking Knox might even be too tame. I’m thinking Vatican or British Royal Family type monies for that one.

    And although I’ll get cussed out for this, Jon Garland and Paul Konerko need to come over to the Evil Empire. I want them in Bronx pinstripes. (I have a weird affinity for Konerko beyond his hotness because he’s from my hometown originally and my dad went to high school with his dad.)

  5. I hope everyone read my post about Jarrod yesterday. The financial incentive that’s hanging up the deal is “who’s going to pay for the extra letters?”

  6. Lowry is the only reason I can still bear to watch the Giants this season…maybe they’ll bring JT Snow back, just to look at, since it’s all about keeping the fans happy!

  7. Val, what a wonderful picture.

    I know several of us hate the Braves, but let’s look at their roster: Salty, Franceour, McCann, Hudson, Smoltz. I may need to start cheering for the regional team.

  8. Why would Lowry be on the block? Isn’t he San Fran’s youngest & most talented starter? I could see Matt Morris on the block, but not one of the young ones.

    No way San Fran would be trading to contend… this year.

  9. *ahem*

    Dear Noah Lowry and Jared Saltalafuckinghotasseventhoughyou’reabraveohmygoddon’ttellanyoneisaidthat,

    Please.

    Come to Philly.

    Please. I’ll…I mean WE’LL…make it worth your while.

    Love,
    CW

    PS–but if it means we have to give up our Aaron…well…I’ll just admire you from afar.

  10. Could not have said it better myself, chasevid!

    So maybe I should have thrown Tad Iguchi a $ or two, in light of the developments this afternoon. I hadn’t heard anything about him being on the block.

    And DougOLis- aren’t you just a ray of complimentary sunshine!

  11. I just realized I spelled Jarrod’s first name wrong. Oops. I was blinded by his pretty pretty tongue…

    Also, am I the only one who sees a slight resemblance between that Brad Lidge fella and Brett Myers?

  12. As a Braves fan, I will be horribly traumatized if Jarrod is traded. I may be forced to pick up MLB extra innings or something just to look at his fine ass.

  13. Rumors today that Salty may be traded to Texas in a package for Texeira.

    And the Stark column rumor from Thursday about a possible Michael Bourn trade for Noah Lowry or DTrain (or Scott Olsen!) is still hanging around.

    The Iguchi trade gives me some relief Bacon won’t be traded- but I won’t feel settled until the Phils sort out the pitching trades they want to make.

  14. oooooooh…..Salty, huh? Ok, I may consider letting Tex go for this hottie (get some more pitching w/ the extra money, Rangers). Just don’t take my cutie, crazy-ass CJ Wilson!

  15. Ladies, if you have any pull whatsoever, could you please please please help the Angels complete the trade for Mark Teixeira? The Halos and Rangers are supposed to be in serious negotiations for a Kotchman/Saunders/minor leaguer for Tex deal, the hangup being whether the Rangers are going to demand a top prospect (which would kill the deal) or not.

    Anything you can do to make this happen for the Angels would most appreciated.

    Oh, yeah, Teixeira is smokin’ hot, that’s a bonus! :-)

  16. I will do no such thing! I want Teixeira on the Red Sox!

    FWIW, the LA Times reported this morning that the Angels are basically done trying to make a deal for him. It’s either Braves, Dodgers or Red Sox as likely ending spots now.

  17. Texeira is hot, huh? Hadn’t considered it. But between him & previously-mentioned Portu-hottie Cristiano Ronaldo, you Ladies… are on your way to proving to me that it’s not just the ladies… of Portugal that are the hottest in Europe.

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  19. Ladies… so many… so many thoughts here. I just returned from a (Pirates-sweeping) weekend down the shore of contemplating the glory of having either (or both) Lowry and Saltalamacchia on the Phils, only to find this lovely post. I got a little freaked out when my boy Aaron wasn’t on the list- and then I saw the disclaimer. TexasGal- I have to admit, I was a little worried for him this weekend since they didn’t play him, putting Bourn in for him and saying he was “sore.” I’m hoping he is… and I heard it’s because he was playing with his kids (awww! plus they are soooo cute…) so I hope it’s not really because they’re in the middle of a trade that they won’t talk about yet. But HOW SWEET would it be to take Lowry in place of Bourn?! I mean, Bourn is cool and all- but let’s admit it, he’s no eye candy like Lowry. Not sure how I would feel about DTrain though- he may be a great pitcher but he has open contempt for the club. I dooon’t think that would go over too well in the clubhouse…

    And chasevid- the first time I saw Saltalamacchia was the one of the first times he caught for the Braves, and I thought he was the hottest man alive (and then I saw his wife and infant baby and felt a little bad about the thoughts that were going through my head) but then I realized that he was a BRAVE and I felt like the woooorssttt fann eeverrr. Also also, I think the Myers- Lidge resemblance is totally there. Big chin, similar orange facial hair- separated at birth?

    And umm, just because I’m too lazy to research this, can anyone update me on Noah Lowry’s marital status? Thanks loves :)

    I must end this by saying that if Greg Dobbs gets traded my life will end. That will be all for this evening.

  20. I’m pretty sure Teixeira is ethnically Portuguese… But not, oddly enough, from Rhode Island or Massachusetts. (I hear, in the former, that Portuguese jokes are as prevalent as Polish jokes, everywhere else.)

    I am positive that name is not Italian, though. Not Spanish, either. Correct me if I’m wrong, though, Metschick.

  21. Mal- Aaron tweaked his shoulder on Thursday playing tag with his kids. No joke. He was back in the lineup today, and did awesome, as always. And I would take a Lowry-Bourn trade any day of the week and twice on Sunday- not only because he’s hot, but because we desperately need pitching. And Noah Lowry is single and presumably ready to mingle.

    Stu- Tex is indeed from Portuguese ancestry (partial, at least)– but was born and raised in Maryland (outside Baltimore, I think).

  22. It’s ridiculously easy to hurt yourself playing with your kids. They have no native caution. I had to call a temporary halt to carrying my son on my shoulders because I could no longer lift my arms above my head at one point.

  23. Mal, I’m glad you feel my pain re: Salt…! I mean, SO PRETTY and I really do love the name but yeah, definitely shouldn’t be thinking certain things about certain married men (Chase Utley, what what?)…And yes. He WAS a Brave but from what I understand…not anymore! So he’s not a Phillie (booooo) but…he’s not a Brave anymore either, so we can ogle freely now. I felt the same about D-Wright when I first started noticing him…BUT HE’S A MET!!! And for a moment, I thought I was going crazy re: Lidge/Myers.

    I don’t know how much longer Dobbs is going to be with us, I’m afraid to say. I don’t know that they’ll trade him now, but I feel like he’s only going to be with us for one season…and that’s just an awful feeling.

    As for Douche-train..NO THANK YOU. That’s all I have to say about that (that’s suitable for young audiences, I should say).

  24. Even as much as we’ve talked about the Salty trade probabilities, it’s still weird that he’s going to Texas. Because I dislike the Braves, but the Phillies play them a ton (Cubs as well, too), so it’s always nice to have that scenery around — and we won’t get to enjoy the scenery near as much when it’s all the way in Texas.

  25. I think prince Feilder is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hot. I can’t wait until fait brings us together I am so into the brewers. I LOVE YOU PRINCE.

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