One of the top college football stories at Sports Illustrated right now has the headline, “Size Matters for Wide Receivers in the Class of 2008.” And because I am a 12 year old girl, that made me snicker. Then I clicked on the article and came face-to-face with Alabama boy Julio Jones (pictured below). Holy moly. He’s 6’4, 215 lbs and just completed his junior year of high school. Plastics, Julio. [Uhh, That Kid’s In High School?]
NFL Receiver and “Throw Me the Damn Ball” Hottie Keyshawn Johnson has decided to retire and become an analyst. I actually think this could work out well for him. I enjoyed what he had to say during the NFL draft more than any other analyst there. Which is also like saying The Clap is my favorite STD, but you guys know what I mean. He wasn’t bad at all. He’s signed on to do pre-game shows for ESPN on Sunday and Monday. Well, that means I probably won’t see much of you then Keyshawn. But good luck to you all the same. [Berman Already Working On “Let’s Find the Keyshawn and Turn this Engine On Johnson”]
Baseball Hottie (what? some people think he’s hot!) Roger Clemens had a bit of a rough outing last night in Yankees AA affiliate the Trenton Thunder. They were playing the Portland Seadogs. YAR! Me’s a seadog. Now, get to swabbin’ the boot deck, ya mangy cur! More ale wench! Ahem. Sorry. Clemens walked 4 batters and gave up 3 runs in 5 1/3 innings. I actually like Clemens and don’t like to see things like this happen, but I don’t particularly like the Yankees and therefore would love to see them spend roughly $1 gazillionty per pitch on a guy who does this every start. Hee hee hee. [Rocket Ship Invaded by Pirates, ARRRR!]
In a little homer love, St. Louis Cardinals Hottie Kip Wells (okay, he’s not that hot. But this picture makes me laugh really hard. It’s just ripe for a Caption Contest, as is the one underneath it) breaks his 7-game losing streak with a 5-3 win over the Pittsburgh Pirates. Cardinals CUTIE PIE and Kiebler Elf David Eckstein did his part by hitting his fifth career leadoff homerun and Cardinals not-so-cutie-pie Chris Duncan had his third homerun in as many games. Cardinals Old Geezer Jim Edmonds knocked in a homer as well. The Cardinals improved to 7 games under .500…….*sniff*. [Apparently Cardinals Fans are Not the Only Ones Who Can Score]
Ladies... 
My caption for Wells: I entered an arm wrestling contest in an Oke bar in San Francisco. You see this? Now I can’t extend that, do you know why? Get to the semi-final, celebrating my third wife’s demise, big Chinese fella, he pulled me right over!
My caption for the second one: “Tony LaRussa IS a Warlock! HELP!”
S’all light in the dugout, Kip?
S’ALL LIGHT.
“Some people” = probably only me. But thanks for trying to not make me feel so alone.
(also- it’s Trenton Thunder vs. Portland Sea Dogs… I know this because, randomly, the Sea Dogs are my favorite minor league team)
Sea dogs rule. Nice stadium too. I still have my oldschool teal and silver sea dogs cap.
Oh crap! I thought Clemens was a seadog! I really read that article wrong. Must be the drugs. DAMMIT! My apologies Texas Gal.
No apologies necessary. Like I said, I just happened to know because they’re my favorite team- and because I watched Roger pitch last night (all 102 or whatever pitches…)
Pujols caption:
“Man, he must work out. He’ll get a Mantle award no problem.”
“Plastics, Julio”. Beautiful in its simplicity. I weep.
I’m disappointed because i wrote an entire treatise on what awaited Roger in the minors for Awful Announcing. Seriously, do your research (by reading everything I write anywhere), people.
Pujols: “I am not from this country, what is this tossed salad you speak of?”
“Kip Wells was puzzled as to why his ‘Salute to Tommie Smith and John Carlos’ didn’t go over very well.”
Radioman, Radioman… (no homo). Please.
A little analingual action between a man & his wife/betrothed/girlfriend/s.o./play-date is dandy, but don’t get into the prison secks on this blog.
I thought it was funny, Disco Stu.
Julio Jones should shave his head and come talk to me.
“Tony LaRussa IS a Warlock! HELP!”
Fuck with Tony and see what happens…
Those Nike shirts with the mismatched arms make Julio look like one of his arms is cybernetic or something.
As for Kip, well, that’s the least enthusiastic fist pump I think I’ve ever seen, but that happens when you’re 2-7 — you wait for the other shoe to drop.