How To Make Love To A ______ Fan: The Boston Red Sox

Wrapping up (for now) our joint series on bangin’ the baller fans in your lives…it’s been a hell of a ride, y’all. We’d like to thank the incomparable Orson Swindle of Every Day Should Be Saturday for heading up this little operation; it’s been a filthy privilege, sir. Finally, inevitably, we give you Texas Gal at EDSBS with How To Make Love To A Texas Longhorns Fan, and below, we’re proud to present the Ladies… closer: J-Money in the house, lighting the way to the naughty bits of the Boston faithful.

How to Make Love to A Boston Red Sox Fan

Well hello, Red Sox Fan.

Of course I watched the game. Your pitching staff has really been—is that your hand on my breast? Dave Roberts didn’t steal second that fast. I see how you want to play. And I—he’s on the Giants now? No, I was not aware of that.

Would you like to go to your place? Because I want you to ram into me harder than a Dodge Caravan into Stephen King.

Mmm…what’s that I feel pressing against my leg? No, not your toy. I’m sorry, your Limited Edition Jason Varitek McFarlane Figurine. The other thing. No, that’s the key to your Volvo. Your erection. I was talking about your erection…looks like somebody’s got a runner in scoring position. So how ’bout you let me drive that runner home?

What I’m saying, Sox Fan, is that what I want to do to you is so hot, Al Gore will make a movie condemning it.

Baby, I hope those are Dockers with Stain Defender, because tonight’s going to get dirtier than Trot Nixon’s hat. Yes, I know he plays for Cleveland now. I was speaking figurat—what? I assumed Trot was a nickname, yes.

Sure, I’d love to hear some music. Want me to turn a light on? Wow, that’s a lot of IKEA. Is that the Fjelldal bed? I hope you assembled it correctly because we’re going to test it out tonight. How do you say “freaknasty” in Swedish? No, please don’t look it up.

Nice song selection. Ha ha, you do love that “Dirty Water”. That explains the fridge full of Michelob Ultra. No, I don’t care for one, thank you, but I like your can koozie.

Now why don’t you let me fjuck you in that Fjelldal? Like Grady Little, I’m going to leave you in until you’re incapable of performing. Now if we—right, Pedro was at 115 pitches. Uh-huh, and Alan Embree was in the pen. I’d forgotten about hi—no, I don’t read your blog. You can write the address down later. Please come to bed.

That’s better. I hope you’re ready for this, baby. You can call me Bill Buckner because I’m about to go between your legs. What? Oh, Jesus, I’m sorry! Sweetie, I know. He had bad knees. It’s OK. Shhh, stop crying. Do you have another of those Michelobs? Fuck, give me two.

What can I say to make you feel better? Sure, I’ll call you anything you’d like. Um…are you serious? Yeah, I’ll say it if you think it will help. Now touch me there.

Wait, hang on, hang on…sweetie, do you have any other Neil Diamond songs? “How can I hurt when holding you”? Because I’m going to punch you in the dick if you play “Sweet Caroline” again.

Thank you. Now where were we? Yes, I remember what to say. Back to touching me…mmm…oh…Sports Guy! Give it to me Sports Guy! DO ME SPORTS G… shit, I’m sorry, I can’t do this. No, I swear, I’m not laughing at you. I should probably leave.

No, I’ll take a cab. Well, I’ll see you, uh, around.

Oh, right. Your blog address. Thanks.

Night.

76 thoughts on “How To Make Love To A ______ Fan: The Boston Red Sox

  1. That’s why Jmoney is the closer. She’s got filthy stuff and a killer fastball.

    “Fjuck me!” is going in my weekly lexicon along with “Een joor face!”

  2. Yeah, the Stephen King line is the clear winner, as is J-Money herself. I’d add something about wicked pissah, but I don’t really know what it means.

  3. The Pedro thing was a must. I was just getting back into watching baseball after about a eight-year break, and even I was sitting there saying, “You know, I think he’s done. Little should really bring in a reliever.” Then I called my mom. She was all, “Can you fucking believe he left Pedro out there?” Most boneheaded clutch managerial move in ages.

  4. Oh, J-Money, that had me ROLLING! Especially the crying about Bill Buckner part. That is priceless! And I don’t give out exclamation points all willy-nilly!

  5. Thanks guys… and yeah, NPH, I was watching that game in a sports bar in Vegas (wearing my ever-so-classy “Yankees Suck and So Does Your Mom” t-shirt) and about the time Pedro came out for another inning, I decided I should probably leave. You’re right…worst move EVER.

  6. “Because I want you to ram into me harder than a Dodge Caravan into Stephen King.”

    Classic line. Although, after last night’s Lost, this line could be updated but I won’t give it away. LA would go medievel on my ass.

    Thank you J-Money

  7. “Like Grady Little, I’m going to leave you in until you’re incapable of performing.”

    The guy in the desk next to me wanted to know why I’m laughing so hard.

    Well done.

  8. It brought the funny, aroused me, AND made Massholes look like Massholes. A winning combination.

    I might have to go with Holly as the winner or this whole shebang, purely because I was waiting in the checkout line last night and broke out laughing at the doe urine line.

  9. “Yankees Suck and So Does Your Mom”

    I need one of these shirts. Oh, and great work as always the Buckner line was the best. I laughed and I cried.

  10. Even with no mention of Dunkin’ Donuts this was wicked fucking funny.

    I was born & bred a chowdahhead but got out at the tender age of 16 so some of the Masshole has scrubbed off. It was hilarious and also eerie to read this and realize “holy fuck if I had stayed I would have turned into this dude.”

    Wicked good bob as the closah, hun.

  11. Vanilla, that’s not the end of my classy t-shirt collection… I also have the “Sox Fans Make Better Lovers” one used as the graphic as well as “I Do It With My Sox On”. And I wonder why I spend so many nights eating soup for one.

  12. You can call me Bill Buckner because I’m about to go between your legs. What? Oh, Jesus, I’m sorry! Sweetie, I know. He had bad knees.

    Hi-larious. My favorite line.

  13. I feel so dirty laughing at the Stephen King line.

    It’ll be nice introducing ourselves by our internet names in Hell.

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  15. “Like Grady Little, I’m going to leave you in until you’re incapable of performing.” Wow…just wow! That and the ‘Dirty Water’ line. Those two brought tears of joy to my eyes.

  16. Nobody has said wiked pissah in 10 years and meant it. Also, maybe the thing that pisses me off most is when i mention that I’m from Boston and osmebody does a terrible “Pahk the Cah in Hahvahd yahd” acccent. Thats good did you make that up? I’ve never heard it before.

  17. I have never been so happy to be a Tigers fan in my life.

    J-Money, every day is a little bit better when you’re around. It’s that simple.

  18. metschick,

    Yes it was a thing of beauty, with the added bonus that legendary Tigers announcer Ernie Harwell is out of retirement to do a pair of games on FSN while Rod Allen is in Arizona for his son’s HS graduation. It was a wonderful smackdown, especially with the Tribe coming to town.

  19. As a Masshole, this was good stuff, but not great – no Dunkin’, CVS, round-a-bout, bars on everyone corner/bunch of drunks lines. BTW, I never knew the “Masshole” term until I moved up to Vermont. Great blog.

  20. Round-a-bout? In Mass we call them rotaries. Get it right or pay the price. Also, funny story, last summer I saw a lady going a round it backwards.

  21. Just got home. Just got done assembling a new office chair. Just logged on to read the latest Ladies… HTMLTA_F.

    Awesome, awesome stuff. Was that a great finish or what? Almost snarfed iced tea at the Buckner line.

    Just don’t ask where I got that new chair.

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