Previously, on Hot Baseball Butts: Mickey Mantle Award Part 1: #25-21. I’m pretty sure The Mick would be proud to learn that an award for the juiciest baseball behind is named after him. It’s only right and fair to honor him, considering he was a pioneer in the “Beautiful Baseball Boy” department.
And continuing on our journey along the dazzling array of assets conveniently located inside a pair of tight baseball pants on major league diamonds around the country… this time we’re tucking in to #20-16, after the jump…
#20: Alex Gordon
Kansas City Royals, 3B
Alex was a very late entrant in the rankings, mostly because I know almost nothing about the Royals (and also because Alex just made his major league debut this year). But watching a game the other day, his assets really stood out on the field- and then I saw this picture. Kansas City is looking hotter by the minute. I know there’s a KC beef joke in there somewhere… I’ll let you fill in your own.
#19: B.J. Upton
Tampa Bay Devil Rays, 3B
B.J. is a shy guy when it comes to showing off his gorgeous assets- unlike certain other of the guys on the list (I’m looking in your direction, Philadelphia), there aren’t a thousand pictures of B.J. sticking his ass out for the enjoyment of the ladies in the stands. Humility is sweet, B.J.- but so is your butt, so give us a little something every now and then.
#18: Chase Utley
Philadelphia Phillies, 2B
Chase may be baseball’s most perfect man (he’s just so darned pretty), and his perfect ass is just part of that lovely package. Lately, he’s taken to ruining the lines of that rearview masterpiece with a dip can tucked in the back pocket (tsk, tsk, Chutley), but his butt is just so darned lovely that I can’t hold it against him.
#17: Jeff Francoeur
Atlanta Braves, RF
Atlanta has a lot to be proud of in homegrown hottie Jeff. With that ass on the starting roster, there’s a lot of lovely scenery to be found out in right field in the ATL. I can only hope that with the change in ownership of the Braves, Liberty Media can somehow find a way to devote more on-air time to Francouer’s sweet ass. Who do I need to talk to about this?
#16: Carlos Beltran
New York Mets, CF
Blame Metschick for this one- she has converted me to the gorgeousness that is Carlos. I don’t think she’d ever imagine I’d use my newfound knowledge to study up on his ass, but I know she’ll approve all the same. Metschick is never happier than when there’s some hot Mets bootie on display. And WHAT a bootie he has- I mean, just look at it. I’ll give you awhile… take your time.
NEXT TIME: we soldier on to reveal #15-11 on the list.
Ladies... 
beltran’s ass certainly is gorgeous.
My sister lurves A-Rod. But even she was all “oooh, Carlos”, when they showed him on the jumbo-tron last night.
I think they should get rid of the rear pockets. All they do is interfere with fine ass shots. Who cares if they need a place to put their batting gloves!
Pam – Agreed on the rear pockets, it makes them look all lumpy.
David Wells is breaking into the Top 10, I can feel it.
If you want to get rid of the rear pockets, you’d have to get rid of batting gloves. Which means every player will improve their batting grips à la Moises Alou.
Raskol, there must be another way, other than that! Cant they leave the gloves in the dugout, and just keep ’em on their damn hands while rounding the bases? We need this!
B.J. Upton looks like Willie Mays Hayes at the plate.
Play like Mays, and I run like Hayes.
How about the batter hands them to the first base coach when he gets on base? Or one of the bat boys runs out and takes them from him?
Utley dips? I guess I’m going to have the team physician talk to him….
Unfortunately, yes. Although Clare likes to pretend it’s Bubble Tape in his back pocket.
Some guys like to run with their batting gloves in their hands, to prevent jammed fingers (in some way or another).
I was not one of those players in high school metschick, seeing as I’m slower than Paul Konerko. I stole one base in varsity ball because the pitcher went into the windup when I was on first. There was never any need for me to hold my batting gloves.
So they don’t need pockets then, if they’re holding them. (I think they figure that if they’re clutching them, their hands will stay balled up in fists, with no errant fingers available for jamming) Another reason pockets are superfluous.
C’mon folks- we can make this happen! BAN POCKETS NOW!
Texy – Or we can just wait for football season and the tight pants.
Ain’t that the truth- football knows what’s right, and doesn’t mar the view from behind with silly pockets. Also, some teams white gamepants are notoriously see-through- so there’s an added bonus.
Still, though- we can make a difference in baseball. I just know it!
I propose velcro straps along the waistband so you can just attach your gloves to your belt. Or, in a fit of brilliance by Texas Gal (is she ever anything less than brilliant?) just hand them to the first base coach or have the Ball (Glove?) Boy come fetch them up.
In KC, we prefer the term “flank steak”.
Yeah- I thought about something on their belt, but that would probably feel weird.
And I’ll have some flank steak right away, please.
Isn’t this series of columns more of a rump roast though?
By the way, Carlos Beltran used to exhibit his flank steak in KC as well, as did Johnny Damon. It’s the beef capital of the major leagues.
Or, in Texy’s case: “Beef! It’s what’s for dinner!”
The best barbecue I have had in my short life was outside Arrowhead Stadium when the Chiefs hosted the Falcons. In light of Michael Vick’s recent trouble, though, I just hope that was beef I was eating, not dog.
Hell, even the barbecue in the KC airport is better than just about any beef I’ve had elsewhere.
If Mike from Digital Headbutt isn’t on here within the hour telling me how superior North Carolina pig is, I’m going to have the authorities check on him. Personally, there’s room on my palate for every kind of BBQ known to man.
Spoiler alert: Alex isn’t the only Royal that made the list. Seems KC has more flank steak/rump roast/beefy dinner than I ever anticipated.
!!! i have to pay attention to the royals now?
done.
I was (pleasantly) surprised at the talent level on the Royals roster, ass-wise. I’ve learned you can’t overlook any team- there are stealth hotties all over the place.
David Wells isn’t a Royal.
If there was a prize for research accomplishments in the field of ass, Tex would win hands down. Thanks for this much-needed display.
Burnsy- if you need us to leave you and Boomer alone for a little while together, just say the word.
Barstoolio- Nobel Prize in the field of Ass-trology, perhaps?
I have no idea who may or may not be included in the rest of this list.
Great article, Texy. Love me some asses in baseball pants.
Chutley and Francoeur and Delgado…what tough work you have Tex.
Got a question for the Franophiles & French-speakers — does Francoeur mean “big-hearted”, “charitable”, or some such?
I think it means “Heart of Fran”.
LadyA- plausible deniability. I like!
And SA, I know! Poor, poor me.
Franc means “brutally honest” while “coeur” means heart, so…I guess it means he has a brutally honest heart.
No, no, no, the best Francophone sports name was Rod Brind’amour.
For those of you playing at home, that’s Rod DAGGER OF LOVE.
*whimper*
Awww, you fancy people with your fancy French talkin’.
It would have been much better if “Francouer” just meant “Sweet Ass”.