Thank Football Jesus (there’s a separate one for football), IT’S HERE.
As Draft Day dawns in America (be sure to check the actual picks against our wildly inaccurate but funnier ones over at Awful Announcing’s mock draft), the Ladies… would like to take this moment to kick back and fantasize about whom we’d like to see roaming our sidelines next season. (Of our teams. We meant the sidelines of our teams. Like, on the field where they play football. Naughty.) Join us, won’t you?
|Indianapolis Colts – Holly
Dallas Cowboys – Texas Gal
Pittsburgh Steelers – TheStarterWife
New York Jets – Metschick
Philadelphia Eagles – Clare
Carolina Panthers – SA
Chicago Bears – Lady Andrea
St. Louis Rams – J-Money
Holly – Indianapolis Colts
My World Champion By-God Indianapolis Colts need help on the side of the ball not controlled by Peyton Manning. With the departure of Brandon Stokley, I told myself I’d never love again, but here today I’m ready to start the healing process. I give you:
Jonathan Wade, Defensive Back, Tennessee
Justin Harrell, Defensive Tackle, Tennessee
I watched these guys play for four years in Neyland, and the only thing that could dull the pain of their departure from Rocky Top would be to see them don the blue and white.
And I give you my one true snacktreat, a mad genius and concussion farmer extraordinaire, and yes. He’s a Gator. Love knows no color, y’all–even if those colors are orange and blue.
Reggie Nelson, Safety, Florida
Photo via the effervescent Orson Swindle of EDSBS.
I’ve got chills, they’re multiplyin’.
Texas Gal – Dallas Cowboys
Everybody loves America’s Team!
And if you don’t, you’re either jus’ jealous, a dirty pinko commie… or both. And now that I’m sitting in the GM chair, I finally get to do what I’ve always wanted to: fill the Dallas Cowboys roster with Longhorns. That’s right, y’all- the powers of the Cowboys Star and of the Burnt Orange Horns combining to form one giant ball of Tex-osity. Read it and weep, NFC. (never fear, though, AFC- I’m pretty sure you’ll continue your march of dominance for awhile yet)
And so with their three draft picks, Texas Gal and the Dallas Cowboys select:
Pick #1: Aaron Ross, CB, University of Texas
This pick will seem totally legitimate because the Cowboys need help at CB, and Aaron is a definite first-rounder and freaky-talented (first team All-American, Thorpe Award winner)- but really, I’m picking him first because he is HOT. He writes poems, y’all. Normally, a dude who gets overly sensitive and writes poetry and stuff is a non-starter because I’m allergic to wuss – but there’s no danger of wuss with Aaron. He is all man.
Pick #2: Brian Robison, DE, University of Texas
First of all, he’s a Cowboys fan. Hot. Second, he’s super-fast and super-strong, and competed in track (shotput) as well as football in college. Hot. Third, you see the picture above, right? HOT. He’s a monster, and even though the ‘Boys don’t necessarily need help at DE, he can slot in at OLB just fine as well.
Pick #3: Michael Griffin, S, University of Texas
Another totally legitimate pick- he’s a high projected draft pick, with explosive speed, special teams skills and great hands. They say he can be “overly aggressive” on the field- and I just don’t see how that can be a negative. He’s got a gorgeous smile, a gorgeous bod- and, most importantly, was part of one of the most gorgeous games of my life:
TheStarterWife – Pittsburgh Steelers
1) Levi Brown, OT – Penn State and 2) Adam Carriker, DE – Nebraska. Great. Enough ink has been spilled over those guys along with a few others that really, who am I to have anything left to say? No one. I trust the Steelers’ front office when it comes to the draft. And trades. And the spending cap.
Who am I in love with though? Who after just a few short weeks of getting to know him, I absolutely adore?
Ikaika Alama-Francis, DE – Hawaii
I’ll be honest, I was first drawn to his name because the Steelers have a fine history of players with unusual names. Iwuoma, von Oelhoffen, Okobi, Polamalu, Fuamatu-Ma’afala, Zereoue, Marchibroda, Strzelczyk, Randle El, Kemoeatu, and Roethlisberger. No wonder Myron Cope lost his voice.
This is from Ikaika’s blog -
When I’m awake, I’ve just been thinking about that hat. You know, they put the team hat on each player’s head when he’s picked. I keep thinking about that hat and it gets me excited. I just want that hat. It doesn’t matter which one either. The team that gives me that hat is going to be happy. They’re going to get a hard working, good guy. I got a late start playing football, but I’ve already shown that I’m a fast learner and I will do anything possible to be successful. I can’t wait for the draft.
OH MY GOD IT HURTS ME SO MUCH IT IS SO CUTE AND AWESOME AND REAL AND CAN I TAKE HIM HOME PLEASE!!!! I promise I will feed him and take care of him! PLEASE!
Ahem. Yes. This is totally who the Steelers need to pick. Does it help that his dad was Bart Starr’s back-up?
Metschick – New York Jets
Last year, the Jets had a 10-6 record, which is pretty decent. However, in the search for a Super Bowl title, “pretty decent” isn’t going to get you a sniff of a championship – unless you’re the St. Louis Cardinals (grumble, grumble).
Let’s see who the Jets can pick up to help them grab that elusive brass ring – or at least to make the women in the tri-state area a little happier:
1. CB Calvin Bannister, come on down!
Sure, he’s only 5’7″, and weighs 179 lbs, but that’s perfect for me. Wait, we’re not picking out potential bedmates for me? Oh, yeah, the Jets. Most experts agree that even though he’s very small by NFL standards, he’s an aggressive defender and very agile. Most women agree that he’s incredibly cute.
2. Next, we have TE Clark Harris!
A Rutgers product, that’s the only reason I’m including him here. Sure, he was a fine TE for the Scarlet Knights, but I don’t know exactly how his skills will translate to the NFL (read, I don’t care enough to actually think about how he’ll do against pros). But we went to the same school, and I’d date him, so he gets to be on my list.
3. Finally, how about we wrap this up with a WR? Calvin Johnson is the barometer against which all other WRs are measured, and he will be long gone by the time the Jets get their pick. However, there’re plenty of hotties left! Dwayne Bowe:
Two prime hotties – I especially love Steve’s eyes! They’re gorgeous.
No honorable mentions here – I’ve left to, uh, visit a friend. Yeah, that’s it.
Clare – Philadelphia Eagles
Perhaps it’s the neighborhood, perhaps it’s the close proximity of the tubs of Wiz, perhaps it’s the Curse of Billy Penn, but Donovan McNabb, the Eagles’ four-time Pro Bowl QB, seems to have inherited some of the qualities of another Philadelphia phenom: Eric Lindros. A physically huge, supremely talented team leader…who has the durability of a Fabergé egg. After missing the end of the season three years of his tenure in Philadelphia with various injuries, the Eagles have to realize that Donovan, though a hard worker and a talented QB, is, frankly, nowhere near as cute.
Hiiiiiiiii, Eric, hi.
So even though Donovan and the rest of the Eagles talking heads swear he’ll be ready for Eagles training camp this summer, I think the Eagles are in need of both O-line and defensive support: a quarterback who’s on his way up and a couple of defensive tackles who can learn from Jeremiah Trotter and Jon Runyan.
I wouldn’t mind looking at Kevin Kolb of Houston on the sideline for the next season or two, but my pick for QB is Troy Smith of Ohio State. I hate Ohio State, but he’s a Heisman Trophy winner and I am easily distracted by bling.
Who posed Troy as if he is in a Puff Daddy video? You can hate me now/but I won’t stop now…
At linebacker, I’m going with Quentin Moses of Georgia. He’s a big dude (6’5″, 257) but not a lumbering behemoth–he seems to be a specialist at rushing the passer, which requires quickness, and is a coveted attribute in NFL linebackers. Plus, he has a cute smile and looks nice in a suit.
Despite the fact that all the 2007 draft reports say that the Iggles need defensive support, I think it couldn’t hurt to have another receiver to give Brian Westbrook and Corell Buckhalter someone to mentor. Brian Leonard of Boise State could be a good pick because he’s fast, agile, and can catch. No, I’ve never seen him play before, why do you ask? Just look at the photo:
Yeah, you want that on your team.
SA – Carolina Panthers
Look, I don’t have a favorite team in the NFL. I’m more of the just like to watch the games type. And I know absolutely nothing about the Draft. But this upcoming season I have decided to become a Carolina Panthers fan. Might as well, as they’re my local team. I think.
Anyway, thanks to David J. Warner at the Fanhouse (Thanks David!), I now know what the Carolina Panthers needs are this offseason: Safety and Tight End. And what better way to fill those needs then through the draft? Free agency be damned. So here are three players the Panthers should look at. And if they won’t then I certainly will. In fact, they can come to my own personal mini-camp. Or something. I’m not that great with the double entendres.
Reggie Nelson, S, Florida: Do I really need to explain this one? His nickname by the boys at EDSBS explains it all: Reggie F’n Nelson. Simple, plain, and to the point. And yes, I know the rest of the Ladies… have pictures for you to admire, but the clip you’re about to see explains the point. Not only does he inspire fear in receivers just by being near, that authority just adds to the sex appeal.
Greg Olsen, TE, Miami: He seems to be the best Tight End in the draft this year, and since the Panthers have the 14th pick, they obviously have a great chance to pick him up. His biggest game was against North Carolina, which doesn’t really tell a lot, but in that game he had 95 receiving yards, with his longest reception being 26 yds. His stats: 6-4, 252, blond hair, blue-eyes-a great combination.
David Carr, QB, Houston Texans: Yes, he was drafted a few years ago, but the Panthers just picked him up to be their backup QB. And isn’t that like a draft pick? Well, I’m saying it is. His career so far has been unimpressive, but he’s a hottie. And maybe when he gets the ball this year (whenever that may be), he won’t be pummeled to death by the d-line of the opposing team.
Lady Andrea – Chicago Bears
According to my sources (about.com), the Chicago Bears are in need of a RB, WR, TE, OT, OG, DT and an OLB. Basically, I used these positions to crosscheck the draftable Iowa Hawkeyes. It turns out we actually have almost exact matches across the board, so then I just had to start looking for the cute ones. I whittled the list down to three guys: Calvin Davis, Edmond Miles and Scott Chandler.
Calvin Davis is a wide receiver and a homegrown Iowa City boy. He finished his career at Iowa with 500 yds and 1 TD and missed almost his entire senior season due to injury and he is 6’1 and 200 lbs. Chances are not good that he will play for anybody in the NFL. But look how cute he is!
Edmond Miles is a 6’1, 230 lb linebacker who has a decent chance to play in the NFL, but will not be drafted in the first couple rounds. He notched 207 career tackles are Iowa (solos and assists), with 168 of those coming as a junior/senior. His 7.7 tackles per game as a senior had him ranked 76th nationally. He’d probably make a decent backup linebacker in a one gap system. Also, not bad to look at.
Scott Chandler is definitely Iowa’s best shot of having a guy drafted. He leaves Iowa with almost 1600 yds and 10 TDs. He is 6’7 and 260 lbs with good body control and great hands. He could make a really nice second or third TE for a team like Chicago. His speed is a liability, because he isn’t terribly fast. But he is adorable. If he’d just let his hair grow out of the “my mom puts a bowl on my head and cuts around it” style, he’d be in good shape.
J-Money – St. Louis Rams
OK, I did a show last night in yet another town that ends in –ville and I’m writing this from an Econo Lodge on a street named after a NASCAR driver. Before you’re overwhelmed with jealousy, understand that this hotel doesn’t have hot water or internet service but it does offer a complimentary human hair on each pillow and a wide variety of adult films, including several from the “Asian Fever” series, which I’m pretty sure is also a disease. Anyway… on to the picks.
The St. Louis Rams’ defense is like Kirsten Dunst’s smile; you know it’s a big mess but you’re not exactly sure what you have to do to fix it. It doesn’t help that this year they have the 13th pick of the draft, which is kind of like going Christmas shopping on December 15. What you really want to buy is gone, but it’s not so bad that you’ll find yourself ransacking Target in a frenzy, trying to rationalize your decision to buy your boyfriend a Swiffer WetJet and a copy of The Memory Keeper’s Daughter.
Chances are, the most hyped DEs—Gaines Adams, Jamaal Anderson, Adam Carriker—will be under somebody else’s tree before the Rams even get into the store. So do they go lineman or secondary? They could take DT Alan Branch from Michigan who can play nose guard or defensive end and is large enough to work as a highway median in the offseason.
There’s been some speculation that the Rams will draft a RB to back up Stephen Jackson, potentially Cal’s Marshawn Lynch. Putting that many dreadlocks together on the sideline can only lead to tangles and mishaps, like when you throw a handful of coathangers into the closet at the same time.
Outside of the draft, St. Louis has apparently considered making an offer to former Miami Dolphin/Toronto Argonaut Ricky-Sticky-Icky Williams, which would give them a solid third down back and a reason to pick up “Taco Bell’s Fourthmeal” in a later round.
Unfortunately, none of the boys mentioned above are pretty to look at, unless you’re also attracted to Shrek. So, in the deepest cockles of my heart, I hope the Rams take this guy from J. Crew’s May catalog.
He probably can’t run or catch or tackle (so he’s already on the Lions’ draft board) but he likes madras, looks like good listener, uses “MMMBop” as his ringtone, has a black belt in Tae Bo, and he’s going to love the Swiffer I’m getting him for his birthday.